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Original poster

I want to try for another baby and DP says no :(

16 replies

tigertum · 04/08/2006 22:40

I've got a 15 month old DS and really want to start trying for another baby in 3 months or so time. DP doesn't want to because we haven't got allot of money at the moment and he has a project on at work that he is concentrating on.

Having had a baby, I know how much one costs, but I've already given up work, we've got most of the kit and it may take a year or more to get pregnant plus 9 months on top of that - so it would be a way off in the future anyway.

I've given up my job to be at home with DS, looking after him and being a mum is my life now. I feel so broody!!! I feel like since I've become a mum and given up work, he has all the decision making power. I brought this up with him tonight and said that just a rough time that we could aim for for trying again would make me feel allot better, but he wont even do that. The fact is, our money situation may never improve and his project could go on for another year or more. I hate that he can just say 'no' and leave me hanging.

Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?

OP posts:
mustrunmore · 04/08/2006 22:44

Yes, it was similar with us. I pestered and pestered. Then he said we could if we moved house, thinking it'd never happen... and we did move! Took 8 months, but I got asking price for our old place and found a bargain to move into. Got preg 3 omnths later. And dh is happy with it now, as he loves having a house and a family! I do feel guilty for pestering him so much though, and being totally manipulative.

jabberwocky · 04/08/2006 22:54

Same here. It took about 6 months to convince dh. I was finally so miserable that he decided life couldn't possibly be harder with another baby compared to living with me like I was Give him a little time to live with the idea and then approach him again.

Original poster
tigertum · 04/08/2006 23:14

A few people I know have just announced pregancy's or are about to have babies. Plus, it's almost 2 years ago to the day since DS was concieved. My broodyometer is through the roof at the moment.

OP posts:
mazzystar · 04/08/2006 23:19

Can he really just say "no" - aren't you in a partnership? He at least owes it to you to discuss it with you.

But remember, it might only take 5 minutes to get pregnant.

magnolia1 · 04/08/2006 23:27

Lol, Dh said no for dd4 and this one! Expecting #5 now

Although I don't reccommend ignoring what he says. This one was purely an accident and I wouldn't have got pregnant without us both wanting it (well not on purpose!)

Hope he changes hs mind xx

Original poster
tigertum · 04/08/2006 23:29

We have discussed it mazzystar, he says that he doesn't want to yet because of money and his project. He said he will never hold himself to a time in the future that we will try for another baby, although he has said he would want another one day. I just need something to aim for for, even if it is ages away. But he wont give me that and it's doing my head in. He just doesn't understand and if I try to explain myself I get accused of 'going on' and 'henpecking'.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigertum · 04/08/2006 23:35

wow magnolia1, 4 D's and another on the way. Busy but worth it I bet !

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magnolia1 · 04/08/2006 23:42

Yeah worth it but he wasn't happy at first and was even wanting me to consider termination Thats why I said it's not worth just taking control and not listening to him xxx

mazzystar · 04/08/2006 23:45

That puts another complexion on it rather. At least you agree that you want another in the future. Its probably fairer of him to say he can't agree to a timeframe than agree to one and then change his mind later.

By the way re the money argument, have you tried the angle that the larger the gap between your children the longer you will be out of work?

mazzystar · 04/08/2006 23:45

by which of course i mena paid , work !

jasper · 05/08/2006 00:09

Give him a break.
You can't cajole someone into being a parent. ( I am assuming you have discussed it thoroughly and he can do simple arithmetic )

It takes two to want it.

He has already told you he wants another child at some point. Leave things be.

How would you feel if you did not want another baby and he kept bringing the subject up with you?

cataloguequeen · 05/08/2006 02:15

Tig I know how you feel...I've taken a long career break and I knew I wanted more than one child..It's hard but pressuring him probably wont work...my second dd was a surprise baby!! mainly my fault (I thought I was covered because of breast feeding how wrong I was so 9 months later..!!) but my dh was very apprehensive too about having a second child I did say to him that it was unfair imo to bring a child into the world without siblings and I think this softened him to the idea of having another if we had tried to plan our next baby she probably wouldn't have happened but when she did and he was so happy and we just had to cope things are hard but that's life!!...another baby is not as expensive as he thinks...you already have all the basics from your first baby and hopefully he may be a ds too so you can re-use most things...he might be under pressure because of work or other issues maybe leave it for a while and then speak to him again about it..

how long did it take you to get pregnant the first time around?

LoveMyGirls · 05/08/2006 08:47

This happened to us, i already had dd1 when we met she was 2 when she was 3 she started calling dp daddy and he was brilliant at being her dad (still is) but when i asked for another he said he wasnt ready to have his own and wanted to make sure we were right for each other. plus he said we couldn't afford it. we argued for ages then i'd leave it for a couple of months this went on for about a year eventually we argued about it all the time i thought he was saying after all this time he didnt know if we were right together and if he would stick around, i was upset more for dd1 as she really loves him and he is the only dad she has ever had. we ended up going to counselling because neither of us could stand the arguing anymore and it wasn't fair on dd1 but we didnt want to split up.

After sorting out alot of our issues we became stronger and argued less he got over the fact that we couldn't afford it, as no one can if u write it down because theres always something else that takes your money.

He finally agreed we wouldnt talk about it after counselling for 2 months which killed me as i was now obsessed and kept crying at the thought of him never agreeing or agreeing but me being too old in my mind (i had dd1 at 17 and wanted to have another before i was 25 so that i can have more freedom later in life) anyway in the end he agreed to try on the 31st dec 2004 by the 15th jan 05 i was pregnant. dd2 is now 10mths old and he is absolutly loving being a dad again. i am glad we went to counselling to sort our issues out as now we are so strong plus dd1 is now 7 and she helps and understands alot more than she would have done at 3.

i say enjoy yourself and wait for him be ready, although i can completely understand your fustration. it would be better if he said yes we will in 2 yrs than to not give an answer at all, but that is men for you!

advice i got at the time was to try and ease all other worries like stop arguing with him about it making him doubt our relationship and to save some money so it didnt make the money situation look so bad.

NomDePlume · 05/08/2006 09:12

He is thinking with his head, you are thinking with your heart. Both are perfectly understandable and equally valid.

I hate to say it but your DP sounds pretty sensible about this. He feels that atm there isn't the money and also he hasn't got the extra time he feels he needs to support you through your next pg.

Your relationship is a partnership, but he is perfectly reasonable in saying he doesn't want another child right now and giving valid reasons to back that up. He isn't just saying no and leaving you dangling. He is saying no and backing it up.

It doesn't sound like he is saying "never, ever". Tbh, I'd try to relax a bit, enjoy your DS and broach the subject again in 6 months or so time. See how things go, financially and between the 2 of you and take it from there.

Best of luck, I know the broodiness can be really tough to deal with.

threebob · 05/08/2006 10:45

I felt like you when ds was 15 months. By the time he was 18 months I agreed with dh and still do (he's now 3.5).

I'm not saying you will change your mind, but that you should be open to the fact that either one of you may change your mind (ie not just him).

Original poster
tigertum · 05/08/2006 23:28

Thanks so much for your posts everyone. Reading them made me feel allot better and you all made some very good points. He is indeed very sensible person NomDePlume and I should be grateful for that and that he does, all being well, want to try for another baby one day. I'm going to back off and not bring up the subject for a good long while. Be extra careful with money. Enjoy DS (well that wont be hard as I do sooooo much). Thanks again

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