Guilt over not seeing father when there on holiday

[frazmum]

My 'D'F has classic NPD, will only do things if he wants to and if he does something wrong its never his fault. For the past 10 years we've lived on opposite sides of the world so just communicate by email and occasionally phone. Have seen him 3 times.

The last was Xmas 2 years ago when he visited and his behaviour was appalling. Got upset when DCs wanted to get ready for Santa on Xmas Eve instead of taking him sightseeing, refused to have breakfast with us on Xmas Day as hotel's was better, saw us for 2 hours on the day as 'it was Sunday and he always sleeps on Sunday'. He took cakes off the DCs plates as they should share with GDad, there was food in the centre of the table. If anyone started talking about something he wasn't interested in he would turn away and look at something else. Asked DH & I for a very large sum of money and cut his visit short as it was boring in our city (we live in one of most visited UK cities outside London).

I'm taking the DC's back to my country for my DM's birthday (they're divorced) and he's already saying he's very busy, can only see us certain days and will only see us in his city, not where we'll mostly be which is a a couple of hours drive away.

DH is telling me there's no reason to see him as it could spoil my trip and I agree but how do you deal with the guilt?

If you think it will spoil your holiday and you wouldn't go and visit him specifically, then you shouldn't feel guilty.

Problem is his brother who I see a lot of as he lives in both countries feels I should out of duty and I really don't want the lecture. He's also the one that told DF I was visiting. I'd wanted to leave telling him till the last minute so I had time to figure out my feelings.

The question should be how do you deal with the guilt caused by letting a horrible self-centred old man steal time, attention and cake from your children and do his very best to spoil their holiday? I note he isn't even all that keen on seeing you, so why on earth should you feel bad - apart from the fact that your own dad is not really interested in you and your lovely family except for the content of your wallets. That is indeed something to regret, but it's not your fault.

I know, you're right. It's just a lot easier going limited contact instead of NC. The list in my OP was just a small sampling and he's got worse as he has gotten older. My uncle and aunt (his brother and sister) know he's dreadful but can distance themselves as they've got their own families.

I think if someone has NPD you needn't feel guilty over anything because they won't return the favour. NC with close family is sometimes hard, but narcs drain you and sap every bit of mental energy you have.

He wants to see us but purely on his terms, when he wants and doing what he wants to not what DCs want to do. He will get very angry when I say we are not seeing him and will go through a period of not speaking to me as a punishment. Peace then for me. And then go focus on his friends who he calls his family. I don't think I can take the risk of him hurting us or behaving badly. It would just upset DCs and I again. Why can't parents just be nice?