i don't know what to do...

[kitkat220]

Hi ladies I've just joined mumsnet and would love some advice from you. I've been married for 10 years to my childhood sweetheart, we got married when I was 22 and had 2 children, about 4 years ago we went through a rough patch where I felt I didn't love him anymore but for the sake of the children and because I was afraid of how I would cope financially as a single mum I decided to stay and try to make it work. We have just had another baby (she is 7 months now) but I feel so unhappy, if I'm brutally honest I think we had the baby because I thought it would bring us closer together (I know before you say anything that it is a stupid thing to do) I obviously would not be without her for one second but it's just highlighted how unhappy I am but I feel trapped because if I thought I couldn't cope financially as a single mum to two children how the hell would I cope with three? I can't stand my husband to even touch me and he wants us to go away for the night in a hotel a the thought fills me with so much dread I keep putting him off saying we can't do it this month as we have too much on but I know I'm just stalling for time. I know it would devastate the older children (they are 8 and 9) if we split up, but at the moment I feel as I am unhappy I am taking it out on them, snapping at them over silly things so I don't know what to do. Please help. Thanks Xx

Hi kitkat :)

Sounds like you've emotionally detached from your husband. Sometimes it happens as a result of a choice he's made (affair or some deception), sometimes I think its possible to just fall out of love & once that's happened its hard to get back.

Its OK, it happens. Right firstly, remember that as a single parent you will be eligible for tax credits, child benefit & depending upon your circumstances possibly: housing benefit, income support, social housing. Remember also that your husband will have to provide financially for his children too. Its hard but it can be done.

If you're not happy & you don't want your husband to touch you & you feel trapped then the older children will already know that something's up. If you split then it wouldn't necessarily devastate them as you would be happier by yourself & its better for them to see you happy than not. Also your H will have twigged & staying in a loveless marriage is absolutely no fun for either partner so once the dust has settled he might find he is happier as well. You might also meet somebody else, you might not be on your own forever.... Its a myth that keeping the marriage together for the sake of the children is the right thing to do, it doesn't lead to happier children. The parents being happy leads to happy children, whether that's together or not.

Also you need to think about you, you deserve a healthy sex life & you deserve to be happy & with a man who contributes positively to your life.

(Also although it seems as though your feelings stem from the rough patch 4 years ago, is it possible that you have untreated PND ?)

I know that when you're in a marriage it can seem so daunting to leave, it can seem like so much work but really its not. I left my exH when my 2nd baby was 4 months old & I've not once regretted it. I look back & wonder how I lived like that for so long. I don't think you're stupid or that your choices were stupid, I think you need to live for you now & make the choices that would make you happy :)

Thank you for the advice onetiredmummy I know I need to talk to my husband but the thought of if makes me feel sick with nerves. I understand where you are coming from about PND but don't think that's what this is - I just think it's from trying to make it work and it not working. It's nice to talk to someone who was in a similar situation, you say you left your husband when your baby was 4 months old, do you mind me asking if there was a catalyst for this? Or were you just no longer in love with him? Xx

A bit of both I think. He was an alcoholic which was the main reason I left as its was obvious that wasn't going to change, but my love for him also just dripped away a bit at a time over the years until there was none left x

Relationship counseling could be an option. Why so hard to talk to your husband about things? Does he have no idea of your feelings?

IMHO marriages should not be ended lightly and it sounds to me that you are right at start of the road which could lead to things getting better or not. Granted you have been feeling unhappy for 4 years but unless your husdand knows your feelings how can things improve.

I'd say talking to your husband is the very first step.

Out of interest, what were you doing before your children were born? Do you have any profession or trade?

Newbieman - I think he may have an idea but I know the talk will hurt him and despite the fact that I don't want to be with him anymore I still don't want to hurt him as I care for him, he's probably my best friend. I am a nursery nurse but gave up work when I had my first daughter, I went back to work as a teaching assistant when my son went to school from which I am currently on maternity leave from now.

What if someone said to you, if you start talking about things maybe the feelings you once had for your husband would come flooding back (it does happen) What would you say to that?

On a practical note, you would be able to work so wouldn't be destitute taking in account you would get some state help.

If you don't talk to him he will never know and if you did decide to just up and go believe me when i say he'll be more devastated that he doesn't know why than by you talking to him and trying to make things work.

i am sure if he knew then he would want to try harder to get back the spark and love between you, and you never know he might have some issues himself especially as you've said you won't let him touch you, that must make him feel very unloved and the poor bloke probably doesn't know what he's done wrong and that's no way for either of you to live.

Explain to him that you don't want to upset him but it's time to be honest with yourself and him and get it all out. Maybe write a list so you don't forget anything and put the positive things in too, that will hopefully help to "soften the blow" as it were
. Lots of things could save your marriage but sitting quietly and keeping your feelings to yourself is not one of them!

I'm sure it must be very hard with such young children and yes they will suffer for a while and it will be hard for them, but as another poster said if your relationship is making you that miserable then they will benefit from you both being happier and will eventually understand.

Good luck

I'm also afraid of how he will react, he has always had a short temper - I've lost count of the number of phones he has broken because he's thrown them against the wall, but I don't know if it's because he has an idea of our problems but he has started getting very angry with the kids - in particular our son. My son has a toilet issue in that he always leaves it till the last minute to go to the toilet and sometimes has accidents because of this. anyway last night my husband asked him a few times if he needed the toilet and my son said no (I was upstairs giving baby a bath) my husband came upstairs then my son came running up saying he needed the toilet (already wetting himself) and my husband just exploded, grabbed my son by the arm and threw him in the bathroom at the toilet. Luckily my son wasn't hurt but he was scared. Then my husband just acted for the rest of the evening like nothing had happened. He's never been violent towards me or the kids but I do worry about his temper.

To be honest if my partner sat down one day to tell me that they have been feeling that way for 4 years then i would probably be a bit angry too.

With regards to how he reacted to your son and his increasing short temper i would say that is a MASSIVE reason to talk NOW. That to me is a sign of stress/pressure etc and leaving that "untreated" is never a good thing.

If you really care about him then you need to talk to him, expect him to get a bit upset ( as i said i would probably be too mostly out of shock/confusion) Talk to him in a safe environment and don't pressure him to understand straight away because he probably won't. you must do something about this sor him your children and yourself.

As i said leaving it or just walking out on him will be much worse than talking to him ever could.

You are right I know, the thing is we had the talk 4 years ago so I'm hoping it won't be completely out of the blue but I know what you mean when you say you would be angry to but I have not been stewing for 4 years I have honestly been trying to make it work. I know I need to talk to him though Xx

I think there might be more to this than you falling out of love with him. Throwing things around in a temper and roughly grabbing your son and throwing him into the bathroom are physically abusive acts and would be recognised as such by Women's Aid.

Have you read anything about emotional abuse on Mumsnet or elsewhere? Did any of it ring a bell? I only ask because if he storms about breaking phones against walls, it could be he is abusive in other ways, which might be the cause of you not wanting him to touch you, or spend time alone with him.

Do you think you could maybe call women's aid and talk to them about your relationship? If you are sure that you no longer wish to be in this relationship, you need to find a way of leaving it safely. In case his aggressive behaviour escalates further.

Take care. I'd be careful about 'talking' this through with someone who has a temper. Get advice and stay safe.

I'm a little worried at that reaction to your DS and that you minimise the aggression as 'not violent'. That suggests his bad temper happens often enough that you believe it's normal.

I'd strongly recommend you take advice on what a split would look like in practice. Do your research and that will take some of the fear out of it. But, because there is evidence of aggression, make sure you keep yourself safe. A man that can mistreat a small child that way could be very dangerous once he realises he's about to lose his family.