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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL...AM I OVER REACTING?!

19 replies

timeaftertime · 04/08/2006 16:00

i have been with my d?p for 5 years. he has quite a history with the ladies and used to have a close community of gay friends.
when he met me he steared away from the party atmosphere and we got along great...he mentioned to me this girl called sarah who is lesbian but he was very close to her spent about everyday for 3 yeats with her and fell in love although it was not returned. she said to him she loved him back but couldnt do anything about it cos of her sexuality.
anyway last night we went to a pub and guess who was there....HER!! they spent the whole night chatting and reminising...laughing and joking and then they swapped numbers. i questioned dp on this last night and said has all of your feelings come rushing back for her...and he said they always will be there cos we click she is there for me no matter what (im thinking to myself where has she been for the past 5 yrs ffs) d?p comes in from work tonight and yes he has been calling her today. what do i do? im raging even though i know possibly nothing will happen the feelings are there... i just feel bad. another comment was made last night that if she wasnt a lesbian he would be with her for life. i asked do you think you can be with me for life...he replied mmmm i guess so? im not going to be second best after 5 years!

OP posts:

Carmenere · 04/08/2006 16:03

That is really crap for you. I would perhaps just let them get reaquainted and hopefully she can be just a friend.

tiswas · 04/08/2006 16:06

OMG - NO I don't think you're over reacting - I would be furious - but then I'm very jealous over my DH
Think you need to have a real chat with him over how you feel (when you've calmed down) You need reassurance from him, no a 'guess so'

Original poster

timeaftertime · 04/08/2006 16:07

i found her very patronising last night towards me and made several comments and be being with dp just for his money.
im worried things will return to the way they were 4 years ago...him out partying and me stuck at home all week end not knowing where or who he is with. im totally secluded fromhis friends where as with my friends we all go out to meals together and socialise.

OP posts:

Original poster

timeaftertime · 04/08/2006 16:09

i really have tried and last night spoke it over without raising my voice and trying to be calm as i know my usual technique of flying off the handle doesnt work. but i am getting nowhere. i ammade out to be the bad person. i asked him how would he feel in my position and he said well thats different because im your first proper relationship...in other words he has the upper hand and im just "paranoid" or "jealous"

OP posts:

redbull · 04/08/2006 16:10

sorry to say this but i couldnt keep my gob shut

I think i would say something along the lines of if shes such a good friend where the F has she been the past 5 years?? i know i couldnt play second fiddle, allthough she may be a lesbian and nothing will happen i still couldnt take it that im not the fire in his heart.

this is something you have to sort out or else its going to eat away at you

TambaIsBadBadBad · 04/08/2006 16:10

I would tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel and that it makes you feel inferiour, 2nd best, and insecure and would hope that he would respect you enough to take it on board. Hes being really unfair saying all this stuff about Sarah, but he only thinks it because hes never had a relationship with her - never had to do anything domestic with her, never had anything other than fun. Hes taking your feelings for granted. I would be having serious conversations with him about the time he spends chatting to her and the possible effects it could have on our relationship, and would also make Sarah my friend too - better the devil you know....

Original poster

timeaftertime · 04/08/2006 16:10

this is why i have come on here because i know fellow mners will tell me if im over reacting and tbh i dont think i am

OP posts:

SminkoPinko · 04/08/2006 16:10

Fucks sake. He sounds like he's being a prat. Do you guys have kids?

tiswas · 04/08/2006 16:12

Timeaftertime that is not good, I think with her attitude towards you added to his comments I would be very angry. I think you really need to have a massive chat about things, If it was me I would explain how you feel and try and get him to no hang out with her.

redbull · 04/08/2006 16:12

Thats simular to me and dp he wants to socialise with his friends but i think we should socilise as a couple.

FullOfTestosterone · 04/08/2006 16:13

This is probably not what you want to hear...
But, if this is who he is - a person that wants to party all night long without you - then you might as well find out now than in ten years, no?

As hard, and sad as it is, the best is to see him for whom he is and decide whether you want to stick with him or not.

If you don't want to be second best, and you feel that way. Is time to find someone that gives you all the attention you deserve!

Wishing you all the best!

Lemmingswife · 04/08/2006 16:16

OMG! What a complete w**r! No you are not over reacting at all.

Original poster

timeaftertime · 04/08/2006 16:19

thanks girls for the advice and very valuable opinions ineeded to get this out and i cant say this to him as he just tells me im being immature paranoid jealous causing a row for no reason...it just hearts to know that his affections lye elsewhere..and yes the thing that bothers me most is the feelings he would have felt last night. i know what you are saying full of testosterone and the thought has crossed my mind more than once but 5 years is a lot to throw away. i need to see how it goes with them...il keep yu posted and more opinions welcome

OP posts:

bluejelly · 04/08/2006 16:26

I wouldn't be that pissed off tbh. Five years is not worth throwing away for a flirtation.

bluejelly · 04/08/2006 16:26

Good opportunity to have a proper chat about where you are both heading though

wannaBe1974 · 04/08/2006 17:00

firstly, this girl is not a threat to you. As she's gay the feelings are not going to be recipricated and therefore your dp has no chance of ever having a relationship with her. Sometimes it is inevitable that if a partner has had very strong feelings for someone that those feelings will come back if that partner encounters that person again, but that doesn't necessarily mean that the partner will pursue those feelings, especially if he/she is in a relationship.

The meeting up with, and even the swapping of numbers with this girl wouldn't bother me overly, what would bother me is his inability to make a firm commitment to your relationship. by saying "um yeh i guess so" he has insulted what you stand for as a couple.

I would have a serious chat about where your relationship is going, without mentioning the girl in question.

catsmother · 04/08/2006 18:00

I'd actually disagree about this girl being a threat.

Ok .... so there is little likelihood of them getting sexual, but, there is such a thing as emotional infidelity, where the innermost fdeelings your partner should be sharing with you are being shared instead with someone else .... even if "nothing" happens, that doesn't make it right. And lesbian or not, she is another woman, and you should be the number one woman in his life !

And yeah, he behaved very insultingly last night. Apart from the "ummm I guess so", how absolutely crass it was for him to tell you that under different circumstances, she'd be his life partner (even if that is what he secretly thought). And excuse me, where was he when she was insulting you ? ...... some "friend" she's being.

I'd be questionning where this was going and how committed he is to you, all things considered. Apart from this latest thing, why does he want to compartmentalise you ..... most couples want each other to meet their friends, not all the time necessarily, but not NEVER.

wartywarthog · 04/08/2006 18:56

definitely not over-reacting. i would feel pissed off that he feels so close to her. but i also suspect there's a bit of 'grass-greener' going on here. he knows he can never be with her so she's that much more enticing. he can let himself go overboard (i.e. saying how she could have been the love of his life) because he knows she won't reciprocate, she's safe. and on that basis i'd view her as a threat.

secondly his inability to commit to you, or at least make you feel like number one would seriously piss me off. dammit, i'm sure there are loads of men who would love to be with you, and not give such a pathetic answer to a question about commitment.

this guy needs a big kick up the arse imho.

Rocklover · 04/08/2006 19:10

TBH, if he feels that she is his "perfect partner", there is not room in the relationship for three of you. Despte her sexuality he obviously cannot get over her and this is a problem for him. If I were you I would find someone who deserves your love and who can love you in the same way. Let him waste his life chasing this girl, but don't let him waste yours as well!

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