Dp, his ex dw, his son, my kids and weekends from hell. Please help me see the wood for the trees

[SnoopDawg]

Dp and I have been together a few years. He was already in the process of divorcing his ex dw when I met him but the divorce has been complicated by some inheritance issues (his ex dw's side). He has one son (age 14) the same age as my eldest dd and I have other children too.

His ex dw has mental health issues. Has tried to commit suicide before.

My children live with me. My ex dh has them every second weekend religiously. I have a good relationship with ex dh solely for the sake of the kids but it works ok. There is no love lost between us though but we keep it nice for the children.

Dp's ex will not agree to a schedule of dp seeing his son. Instead what she does is call whenever she wants his help (all the time) then if he can't help, she guilt trips him incessantly. Tells him he's a shit dad, that he doesn't love his son, that she'll do him for abandonment etc. Dp has gone to lengths (and legal lengths) to get everything formalised but nothing has worked. Because he does not want to let down his son, at the moment, this is meaning that dp and I can never plan anything.

So for example today, me, dp and the kids were supposed to go out for the day. At 8.30, his ex dw phones screaming down the phone that she needs to visit her father in a home and their ds forgot he had some sporting fixture and the dog has to be put down etc etc . In the end, dp has taken ds to his sport thing and the dog to the vet and because he has the car, me and the dcs have stayed at home and cancelled what we are doing.

This would be fine if it was a one off but it isn't. This sort of 'emergency' has happened every day for the last 2 weeks. She emotionally blackmails dp into responding. Last week he took ds out and explained that he wanted to see him but at a time when everyone knew what was happening rather than last minute and could ds liaise directly with dp and ds's response was 'what about my mum'. Dp says that without him there, his ex dw effectively uses his ds as a carer and he hardly ever does anything without making sure she is ok.

However, dp has found out that ex dw is seeing someone else. Which is obviously great news for him in a way lol except she appears to be enjoying punishing dp like this and she will know how much it is winding me up.

Clearly dp needs to stand his ground more. I can't (and won't) make him though. Once he did and he had to call the police as she went off with a box of pills to top herself (this was only a month or so ago). He is a soft hearted chap and that really upset him and he's never really forgotten it.

I feel sidelined and I can see dp knows this etc but on the otherhand I have massive sympathy for his position (and his son). Does anyone have experience of dealing with a difficult ex?

Hmm, tricky one!
Why hasn't formalising access worked?

She doesn't want to formalise it and nor does their ds. He refuses to stay over with us because he won't leave his mum (tbh I don't think he is ready to stay here with us, I have invited him loads but he always says no). She refuses to do mediation and because ds is at the age when he can help make the decision, a lot is up to him and he sides with what his mum wants so it all goes round in a circle.

Urgh

Really dp needs to stand his ground and say no and stick to it, to tell ds that he is welcome to come visit and stay any time he likes but he needs advance warning.

Like you said it's up to him to do that though.

There's stuff that doesn't add up here. Why is her inheritance complicating the divorce? If he had come into a large chunk of cash and she was after it then that would have made more sense. With all the evidence of his ex wife's troubles why hasn't he sought custody let alone a formal contact schedule.

One woman's soft hearted soul is another woman's ineffective dormat. The great tragedy here isn't your inconvenience, it's the 14 year old caught between two selfish and lazy parents.

Ahhh, cross posted but it still sounds odd. Hasn't SS been involved. This poor lad has been put in a terrible position for what sounds like a very long time and it isn't surprising he feels the way he does, given that he has been expected to make adult choices whilst being a child. "We gave him a choice to stay with us if he wanted", his mother has made numerous attempts on her life, of course he doesn't want to voluntary leave her. Get professional help to support this young man and try to imagine the hell that this poor lad has had to endure rather than the inconvenience of this tragedy.

If you do what you've always done, you will get what you always got.

Re read that.

If you want this situation to change then your dh needs to change his approach to this woman. His son is older enough to decide when and where he sees his father.

Yous are allowing her to do these things to your life. Her son will no doubt need some form of therapy and I imagine you will be seeing a lot more of him if she has a new fella.

You also should think about calling ss to discuss the suicide threats as this will be having an awful impact upon the son and his future development.

The best thing yous can do is stop enabling all of this.

Good luck

I think the advice of getting the boy some professional support sounds a good one.

In the meantime, I think you will all start getting used to these emergencies and carry on with your plans regardless. For example, in your example, I think in most families one person's sporting activity wouldn't take precedence over everyone else's plans, disappointing though that might be.