So it would seem he was serious

[feelinlucky]

Ds came home early from his dad's last weekend saying they had an argument and his dad told him he didn't like him or want to see him again. He hasn't turned up to pick him up. I can't believe a grown man would just disown his child. Ds is 11!!!!

What was the argument about?

Ds not really said. From what ds said, he was told off for not responding to instructions and sounds like he was rude. I know ds can be incredibly difficult at times. Apparently his father was swearing at him, calling him names and telling him he would be glad to be rid of him "and your fucking mother". I don't even speak to the man. He's been itching to get rid of ds since he met his now wife.

Ds hasn't mentioned his dad today even though he's not turned up.

You need to talk to your son about this. Explain to him that it is not his fault and that sometimes people get angry for different reasons and become rude to the people they love. He has to understand that he is not the reason for this behavior. Even if the child doesn't show it I am sure that his heart is broken. Such experience can affect his self-esteem and this will change his whole life. Be really careful and try to protect him from such pain.
Spend hours and hours telling him that other people's opinion and behavior should not define who we are. Teach your son to love his father and to forgive him for those words, but not to feel guilty. There is nothing that a child can do to change his parents. He just has to learn that this behavior is inappropriate for adults and to think about this as a lesson how not to behave.

:(

Thanks Kate. There's a long back story. It's probably for the best that he doesn't see his dad. He's just has a consultation for therapy because of his low self esteem. I believe as a result of his fathers clear rejection of him. Poor little soul. :(

I'm going through similar at the moment

Ex doesn't want to see dd1 as she is sullen and rude but still wants dd2

Dd1 is saying things like 'good, I don't want to see him anyway' but it's got to hurt

Big hug for your ds

Self-esteem is probably the most important thing in our life except health. This is something serious and you have to invest as much time as it is needed for him to gain confidence.
Maybe it is not a bad idea to protect him from meeting his father a lot, but he won't forget what has happened. Maybe it will be good if you find another male adult who can show your son what is friendship and respect - an uncle, grandfather, coach, or friend of yours. This way your son will see that he can build long term relationships.
I don't know how much the counseling will help. These people are professionals, but they are strangers for your son. So don't count on them too much.

That's awful 17. What on earth is wrong with these people. I feel so guilty for choosing so badly for my son.

Thanks Kate. Counselling is just an additional support. Unfortunately there are few males in my family and most of my friends live quite far away. I know in theory he would love me to meet someone but it's not easy!

I am not suggesting you to find a boyfriend. If you meet someone to love and respect you it would be great. But maybe it will be confusing for your child, especially if it doesn't turn out to be a good relationship. Maybe if you can find a group of single parents who would enjoy your company. Or you may sign up your son to some additional classes, where the teacher has a good heart and he is going to treat your son with respect.
I am giving just some ideas. I know that it must be really complicated and difficult, but you will resolve the problem. I see that you are a passionate mother and you care a lot for you child. I am sure that you will raise a wonderful child.

Thanks Kate. He has some really good teachers who are very supportive of him. He plays a predominantly make sport and gets along with his coaches. I think you're right though, lots of good male role models. I was looking at cadets this morning. He will be 12 soon so thatight be an option.

My spineless father did this to me fifteen years ago, haven't seen him since. For the most part I try not to let it get to me, but from time to time I think about it and feel myself raging.

I have kids of my own now and can't imagine in any way being able to cut ties like that.

For her part my mum did her best not to slag him off to my face when it was all going down (not sure I could exercise the same restraint!), but I think she counted on me realizing what a fuckwit he was once I came of age myself, which I did.