Need advice on what to say in today's inevitable 'talk'

[EndOfRopesville]

Argh, I'm at the end of my rope with my dp. It's not one huge thing is just his general lack of consideration and effort with everything, me and the kids.

I'm a SAHM he's got a stressful job he hates, so every night without fail he comes in in a foul mood and rants for at least half hour, is moody with the kids, and doesn't ever play with them. He never asks how my day was, even when I tell him I've had a rough day he either ignores me completely or just says 'yeah' then carries on.

Getting him to do ANYTHING with us at the weekend is like pulling teeth, he's normally glued to his phone or out.

He's never affectionate anymore, unless he wants sex, he used to be,I think he's fallen out of love with me :( I've put on quite a bit of weight since I had our dd 2 years ago, and my confidence has never been so low.

So today I'm going to sit him down and tackle all of this, maybe even suggest a trial separation,I love him but can't live like this anymore.

Any advice on how to word all this would be really appreciated,I feel so sad and alone.

Good luck! Stay firm. Stay focused.

Remember cog's 4 points.

I've sent him a text saying we need to talk. Didn't want to say it in front of the kids. Just asked him to please think of the honest reasons he is so unhappy, so we can talk about it. I wanted him to be prepared too!

If you go for the 'I'm unhappy because....' make sure everyone gets to lay their problems out on the table equally without anyone leaping in to pass judgement. Otherwise it can get very one-sided and ends up as a blame game with big lists of faults being reeled off. Steer the conversation towards a more constructive... 'do you agree that the relationship/family/etc would work better if xxx happened more often and yyy happened less often?' You won't fix all the problems with one conversation so be selective.

How are things lo? Hope you are ok xx

How are you op? How did it go??

Morning! Well that was a lot shorter than I expected!

Sort of went....

Him.. I'm sorry I've been so miserable it's just work, and the daily grind it's getting me down, money's tight and the weather is shit. It's not you,I love you.

Me..Oh, well I know life's not always sunshine and rainbows, but honestly, sometimes it seems you are just tolerating me and the kids, they need interaction with you, they miss you so much in the week.

Him..I know,I agree, let's try and have at least one day a weekend out with the kids together yes? I'm sorry...

So, that was that really,I didn't get my full rant out, but he was being so accepting and lovely I didn't want to go on and on.

Did I wimp out?

No, you reacted to the circumstances in front of you at the time.

Now, how long will you give him to prove that he means what he says? And remember to keep a watchful eye to see if making a new effort to reprioritise actually does lead to a change in attitude as well as action.

Yes, this is the thing isn't it? This has happened before, and we fall back into a rut, I'll give it a few weeks and see what happens.

In the meantime I'm going to go all out to get a job of my own, would do me the world of good to have something going on outside of this house!

It's a really hard time of year, bleak with the weather and bills coming home.

I've just read the thread and one thing I picked out is that when he's not at work your DH seems to isolate himself OP. Either not wanting to participate in family life, being on his phone (who to?) or going out alone.
Those are all things that can be worked on, not in a pressing way, just slowly and surely and consistently.

My DH used to work extremely long hours in a high pressured job and when he came home we made a routine that he would always sit with the DCs once he'd come in and got changed and they'd spend half an hour reading. It had the dual bonus of clearing his head between work and family time and calming them down before bed.

It sounds like some kind of similar routine might be good for you all, keep at it until it's a habit and DCs appreciate it too.

Small things like that might bring you all together a bit more?

Hi Enrique the evenings are a stress tbh.

I don't know what happens to my kids between home from school and tea/bath time, but they go crazy! Ds is 6 and dd is 2.8 so I know she misses him during the day, he gets tired and hyper and by the time dp walks in I'm half way through tea and the kids are bouncing off the walls. They are clambering to talk [shout] at him, he's just trying to get his coffee and catch up with me.

Wish I knew how to calm this time of night down!

His phone, he does fantasy football leagues! Face book etc he likes to catch up on.

Hi EndofRope, I remember those times. Pandemonium and everything and everbody seems to want attending to all at once, just when DH is least up for it.

It will pass, honestly it will, although that's no help right now.
What time are you doing tea? could you bring it forward a bit maybe, even if you split it and do a little bit more a little bit later?
Mine had already eaten when my DH got home and we were usually at the end of bathtime, so DH would get changed and have a few minutes and then come and help with PJs so they could all sit down for the reading session.

I think we were quite lucky that they weren't too hyper at that time of night, but whether it was luck or routine so they knew what to expect and looked forward to it, is hard to say.

I was also lucky that DH didn't want to sit down and do his own thing really.
Hopefully you and your DH can have a chat about what might work well for you all.