Letter to OW

[giggleshizz]

I know this subject has been covered before but would like to hear from anyone who has done it or thought about it. Very briefly (as I don't think it is massively relevent to the question). Exp left me when pregnant, moved in with OW two month later, two months after I gave birth (which he did not attend) they had a whirlwind engagement and exp didn't see dd for the first time until she was 4 months old. Now he sees her about every four months (no presents and little financial support) which, although is sad for dd, I am pleased as it means I have to deal with OW as little as possible.

Needless to say I was a mess throughout my pregnancy and in a fog the first year of DD's life (she is 15 months now). I am slowly, slowly rebuilding my life (I lost a lot including my home and job during this period) and am now even considering getting back in the dating game as I realise I need to move on from all this and focus on building up mine and DD's life.

However, there is something niggling me....and that is that I want OW to know what she did to me, I mean in my own words! I feel like this is almost the last bit of the puzzle in allowing me to move on. Of course in my fantasy I meet her IRL and call her a bitch, whore etc but in reality that is not my style. I was thinking something very detached, just asking her if she realises what it does to a pregnant woman to have her man go off with someone else? Wondering how she could stand by watching exp ignore the birth and so on. Not going to call names or slander. I guess just give her something to think about and really just end up by saying karma will get her in the end.

Anyone done this? I am not expecting anything from this apart from some peace of mind for myself. I don't expect, nor do I want an apology from the woman. I have never met her nor do I expect to for a long time (unless exp suddenly wants to be more involved in dd's life). I feel like I just need to tell her and move on.

Is this a bad idea? I am pretty sure exp will have something to say about it but don't really care about that as we have a non existent relationship anyway (rarely communicate unless he decides to have some contact with dd).

Dahlen put it much better than I did! The friend I was talking about before has been with her husband for about 22 years now but I don't think she's felt particularly secure for any of that time. However, I doubt his first wife has any inkling she has felt this way. My friend's life looks idyllic from the outside.

The best you can do is live your own, happy life.

Write it, then put it away or burn it.

I can understand why you feel she should know but she may not care or feel secretly guilty anyway and she will just feel defensive and angry.

Your ex is the one who needs to get it but I suspect he won't. He already has his punishment in that he has lost the close loving relationship with his daughter that he could have had.

How many hours of your time has this taken up so far? The crying, the thinking, the anguish - it's exhausting. Why waste any more time composing a letter which, frankly, isn't going to give her a lightbulb moment, when you could be spending that time baking, doing something creative or even watching a film? No-one lies on their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time angsting over the OW...

Excellent post - thank you!!

I'd mostly moved on anyway, but that was certainly a lightbulb moment for me, reading that!

She won't read it, she'll just chuck it in the bin. Don't waste your time; you won't get anything out of it. If you have to, do what others have suggested and write the letter then burn it.

The main thing that makes me want to say "don't" is that she might lash out and say some truly unpleasant things that damage the progress you've made. When people get cornered about their bad behaviour they can respond in horrible ways and say things that get inside your head. Sending her a letter that tells her how you feel and what it did to you gives her a window into your feelings and if she wants to then she'll know what to say to hit hard. I doubt she'll absorb the meaning. No one wants to think of themselves as the bad guy, so I doubt it would be read with an open mind or with consideration of your experience in this situation.

I personally wrote about 20 letters. Ripped them all up and am glad I did.