Why do I need to know affair details?

[RollerCola]

My husband and I decided to separate last July after 23 yrs together. Our marriage started going wrong when we had our first child 11yrs ago and had been gradually getting worse over the last 5 years. We limped on but ultimately decided to separate. My only regret was not doing it sooner.

I'm in the happiest place I've been in a very very long time. The children seem fine, seeing their dad every weekend and a couple of times in the week too. I'm having the most wonderful time, I'm relaxed, I've met a guy, I'm going out having fun, all good.

The thing that still taps at my brain is my husbands EAs. 3 times since the children were born I've 'found' explicit texts/facebook messages to other women. The first 2 times I chose to forgive, the last one I found just after we'd decided to separate but it had been going on for 'long enough' (his words)

The messages were enough for me to accept that he'd been having affairs, they clearly showed that he'd spoken with these women many times, if not met them. When confronted he denied doing anything physical, and therefore didn't think he was doing anything wrong. He said he hadn't slept with them.

By the law of averages I know that if these were just the ones I caught him out on, the chances are there was much more going on that I never found out about. In my head I've decided that he must have slept with them all, and there was probably more women.

But he'd never ever admit it. So I should just draw a line now and forget it, so why do I feel the need to find out definitely what went on? I want him to finally admit he was unfaithful, and then I want to go and tell everyone. Then I want to tell him I've met a new man and I'm deliriously happy. (I know he won't like that, it'll be my revenge) Stupid, and not very respectful to my new man

Why do I want to do that? I'm not 15, I'm 39. I'm a sensible person. I've been through the separation and come out smiling. But I can't quite move on past this. I think it's because it feels like much of my marriage was based on lies and I now need to know the truth. Any advice to forget and move on?

My dh had an affair ( possibly still going on, but he can do what he likes as I left him) he denies it but I have evidence. He probably did it before, but not so openly. Idiot. Fb and twitter did for him.

I am not interested in it, and quite frankly he can keep his sordid details to himself. But I don't want him back and it was a relief to leave.

My exh had an affair and I decided after finding out, not to try and get more details, even had the ow contacting me and offering them. It took a lot of self control, but I knew finding out every detail would just be sticking the knife in more, details would just hurt me, I didn't need to be anymore hurt. It was over and I needed to move on.

Even now 10 years on I still don't know any detail but I think that helps.

Hope I'm making sense...you have moved on and in a good place. Keep the past in the past.

Firstly, wanting the know the details is natural. It's like you're trying to see the whole jigsaw without most of the pieces in. That saying, the truth will set you free is incredibly real when you're in this position. The details in my case, helped me to get over him and the marriage even quicker than had I not known.

And the lesson my kids learnt is that people are flawed, they make mistakes... My girls learnt to never let a man treat them like that and my dear son has already learnt to be a better man that his dad ever was.

It's really what she said
In my opinion true can hurt but it would possibly help you in long distance
Had similar issues in past so can imagine your feelings Roller

Thanks for all your replies. They've helped me put things into perspective.

Maybe knowing the details of his affairs won't help me move on after all. They'll just set me back and I don't want that. I feel like I'm moving on really well and I don't really want to risk getting dragged back into the past.

It would be so much easier if I didn't have to see him. But I do, at least 3 or 4 times a week. I make a big deal of being friendly for the dcs sakes but the reality is I want to smack him in his miserable face and scream and shout and tell him how much I hate him. And then never see him again.

I'm going to focus on the future now. I've met a really nice guy who I'm having fun with. I'm in no rush for anything serious and he completely understands so we're just enjoying each other's company and laughing a lot. It's just lovely knowing there's someone who actually seems to care about me and wants to hold my hand a lot

It seems like you need some catharsis for all the emotional pain and anger and to help draw a line under everything and leave it in the past. I'm not sure what that might be or look like exactly - sometimes people have a Newly Divorced party or ceremony, maybe you need a holiday - something organized with that view in mind to purposely acknowledge how crap it was but that now it's behind you. Rituals help with big changes in life, especially public ritual so something is publically acknowledged and do the explaining for you. "It was real, it happened, it was crap but now it's over and I have a new life".

Perhaps you could dial down the "friendliness" if it is giving you jawache from gritted teeth

It isn't compulsory to be "friendly" to someone who has treated you badly. Be cool, be concise and cut out the warmth. Your kids will not suffer for it, in fact I would say it is a salutary lesson to them. Women feeling they always have to be the conciliatory ones is a poor idea that society tries to ram down on our throat on a regular basis.

I could, but I know it means a lot to my daughter in particular to know that we get on ok (even if it's very forced on my part)

She's said that it's nice to see us being friendly because some of her friends parents can't even be in the same room together. I want her to see us 'getting on' but at the same time I don't want her to think we'd ever get back together. Perhaps I need a chat with her. I haven't told her about the new guy yet, and won't be doing for a long time yet.

I think your dd is old enough to have a "chat" about how you feel. I am advocating "cool" not daggers

I think there is friendly and there is civil. The difference between talking to an old friend and passing the time with an acquaintance whilst queuing at the post office for instance!

Yes you're right. His mood is so unpredictable..if he's in one of his 'poor me' moods he offloads it onto dd. So I feel that if I'm friendly and can 'snap him out of it' at handover times then he'll be more cheerful for the rest of his day with the children and therefore less likely to dump his woes onto them. I'm being 'friendly' to him in the hope that he'll then be in a good mood with the kids. Which is completely ridiculous isn't it?

I'm not responsible for his mood but his mood directly affects the children so I find myself trying to cheer him up for their sakes.

I need to take a massive step away but I feel a huge responsibility to protect my children from any upset.

Yes, it is ridiculous love, because you are still attempting to micro manage the moods of a bloke you are no longer in a relationship with

His relationship with his kids is his own affair

I'd say detach a bit, it's not your responsibility. Make sure that the kids know you will always be civil/friendly to their dd, but there's nothing more, no reconciliation, you all have to move on, including the kids. It's healthy for them to realise that 100% so that they can adjust and move on with you. As for the 'poor me' syndrome, the kids will switch off from his negativity after a while.