Tips on making FWB work

[Jesuisunepapillon]

I have decided that for now at least I can't be in a relationship. I have a disability and I'm too unwell to deal with either getting repeatedly rejected because of my disability or dealing with the utter twunts I keep managing to date. Things might change in the future but for now, I just want a nice quiet, stable life where I pursue my interests and my friendships and enjoy my free time.

I've never been in a FWB type situation. I guess ideally I would place an ad on POF or somewhere, stressing I'm most definitely not into one night stands or married men (or being peed on. It seems if I don't clarify that in advance I attract a lot of people who want such a thing, for some reason!!) but that I would liketo meet someone nice. I can't think how else to go about it. I would like to be meeting up with someone who genuinely becomes a friend, who is perhaps divorced or bereaved or just plain old cynical and knows they don't want a full on relationship, someone I could hang out with occasionally, have brilliant sex with but not live with or be attached to beyond that.

Does that seem impossible? What should I be looking to do to avoid a)attracting idiots, and b)making sure it is genuinely stress free and I don't fall for someone. I'm sure there are all sorts of pitfalls that I can't even contemplate, having not done this before.

This might be a bit impossible to answer. I'm thinking aloud more than anything. But there must be people on here who have similar arrangements and have tips for me. I would be so chuffed to hear from anyone who has a similar relationship and has made it work.

Jesu I have read your posts again, and I probably haven't been too sensitive about the OD issue. Sorry. I do think you need a thick skin for it, or to be able to back off from it for a bit when you get sick of the twonks that are on there. I had a few rests from it, but I went back to it because at my age (50's) unless you are willing to go out 'on the pull' or have a male dominated hobby there aren't that many opportunities, particularly when you work in a female dominated job. So I suppose I thought it was worth it to keep going on a cost-benefit analysis basis. Over the course of about 18 months when I was on-off OD, I probably had about 200 messages. Many of these I discounted due to content, something in the profile that put me off, something in the pic that suggested all was not as it should be (taking your selfie OD profile pic in a girlie bedroom with jewellery stand on the dressing table has got to count as pretty stupid, no?). Some of them went on to further conversations online, only to be dropped later because things weren't adding up. A few of them progressed far enough to try and organise a date, but these didn't happen, it turned out there was some bull going on there too. The only one I actually met was current DP, so I was lucky, but I was also quite careful. I set my BS detector quite high. If it walked like a duck and quacked a duck....any whiff of BS was enough for me to discard before I met them. Much easier when you have not met them in person and they have had a chance to charm your doubts away. This may still not be for you, but this is my ten pence worth.

With regard to your disability, do you refer to it at all in your profile? Not sure what is best here, but some people must have had this situation before.

It sounds like what you want OP is a relationship whereby you do not live with the other partner. Usually called Together But Living Apart.

Many couples do this, for various reasons. Some famous couples do it, and lots of people with their own properties that they do no wish to sell do it. And it works if that's what you both want. If I had done this with my exH we would not have broken up, but he did not want that arrangement, and fair enough, it wouldn't suit every one.

I have done it since and it has worked [I have CPTSD and need a lot of time alone esp. when I'm not having a good time]. We each got time for our own pursuits, see our own friends/family etc. and there was someone there for times we wanted to be together. It makes time together special and valued.

So maybe look for someone who has their own reasons for wanting to be committed to another, yet needs to live in their own environment. Many do.

Cannot you just masturbate? Why want to tread such risky territory if you're happy with your life as it is?

I think that kind of arrangement can only work out if it's very short lived. As posters already said, when sex is involved someone is going to get hurt or deeply disappointed in the end.

Hi OP, just wanted to say that you sound great, very sorted and funny, and I hope there's a man out there who knows he will be lucky to have you.

I know exactly what you mean about touch: I can go for weeks with no more than the occasional handshake. And no, previous poster's suggestion can't make up for that.

Can you go for massage sessions? I can't, owing to social phobia, but that might at least address the yearning to be touched.

Thank you so much everyone, you've been so kind and helpful. I think you're all right, I don't want FWB. In fact that was on offer in December and it seemed so emotionless, it really did little for me. The guy slept with me and then lay there with his back to me. Didn't say anything remotely caring or nurturing or anything which made me feel anything other than he had just used my body. And I go the sense he watched a lot of violent porn. It was all a bit degrading really. That's not what I'm after. I don't miss that kind of contact!

Weevils, I think massages might be a good idea. They're a bit expensive to do regularly but I think it's a start. I saw a physio last week and he had his arms round me (not like that!) and it was just bliss. I only narrowly avoided sobbing.

I think OD has so many benefits. Not least because it's a great way of meeting lots of men, which when you're in my position is great. I am not so averse to doing it again now I've read some of these posts. I just need to work first of all on making my life a bit better so I'm not so invested in it. I need to send my bullshit detector to the workshop too, get it upgraded a little. I'm far too trusting and well, kind. I believe men when they're telling me what I want to hear. And I just need to have some fun for a bit that doesn't involve being worried about whether a relationship will materialise. I was supposed to go out tonight but am too fatigued, but have another thing in the diary in a few days time. Lying on my sofa eating chocolate covered coffee beans for now, so it's all good.

Fwb or fb can work brilliantly. I have several and I'm as happy hanging out watching movies or going out for drinks as I am fucking them. If I didn't like them as people and enjoy their company I wouldn't be having sex with them in the first place!

None of them are exclusive, they all see other people. We don't about it much as it's a little crass but there is no bullshitting.

I have met some of them off tinder, I wouldn't use pof or any others as I couldn't deal with 200 unsanctioned messages! They can only message you if you 'like' them which is better IMO. A couple are friends I knew anyway.

It's not for everyone but it's great for me and maybe for you too, just get out there and see! If not, stop. Worth a try anyway maybe?

Chocolate covered coffee beans sound like the answer to many things