I found out my boyfriend has been watching porn

[Sammy8726]

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. We have a great sex life which we very openly talk about and never feel awkward or uncomfortable to do so.

During a conversation we had a few weeks back I asked my boyfriend if he has watched porn while we have been together he admitted he had once to get some sex position ideas and even told me the sites he had been on as he had been on them a lot when he was single. I was fine with what he said and it didn't bother me and the conversation was left at that.

I recently had suspicion that he had been going on it again, long story how I had a feeling about it but I did and so I checked his history one morning and it was deleted. I asked him why he deleted his history and he said he was looking for gifts for valentines day. I asked him " are you watching porn" and he replied "no"

There was something about it that I didn't believe him. I went to work and it played in my mind all day... I had to know...he then tx me while i was at work admitting that he had and again it was to to look at sex positions as he felt he wasn't pleasing me. So when I got home I looked at his phone and being good with technology I found out what he had been on, now it didn't tell me what days but did tell me the amount of data used on each site visitedand there it was porn all over with a lot of data.

I burst in to tears and confronted him. I was so upset he had been going on porn more than the once in a blue moon that he had admitted to, and admitted that he had been on it everyday so far this week. I stormed downstairs and sobbed, I was devastated that he had lied and I was thinking what am I doing wrong?? Calmed down and went to talk to him about it. I told him that e had ruined our brilliant sex life and I don't think I would be the same in bed again and that I feel really insecure. We spoke some more and I thought it wasn't that big if a deal to break is up but j did tell him this is going to take some time to get over kn my side.He was really embarrassed said he was sorry and that he won't do it again and that he feels better for talking about it. I don't believe he will not go on it again.

We have since made love and it was not awkward at all it was just as great as any other time. My question of advice is have I dealt with this in a good way or have I been far to soft and he may think that he got away with it and I'm a push over. It does play in my mind and it turns my stomach and I want to ask him what kind of things he has been looking at? But I feel if I do then I will come across as keep bringing it up. This is all fresh to is still as it only happened yesterday... What do i do? Shall I leave it and get over it hoping if will heal or shall I ask him? And how should I ask him? Have I acted the correct way or am I just a push over??

[Laquitar]

Daisy come down
You just had a typo in your post and i joked.
Sorry if it has upset you. I did apologized in my first post anyway.

[Laquitar]

The posters who compare it to going shopping, thats not the right analogy.
The analogy would be if your dp is psssionate vegetarian and he doesnt aprove of buying leather and you keep going and buy leather and you lie to him.

[Itsallveryscary]

OP, I just thought I would add these two comments, I don't know if they will help but they are somethings to think about.

1. My DH does watch porn sometimes. Not a lot but sometimes. He hasn't got an internet phone and he only has a shared laptop with me (his choice) and so only has a handful of DVD's. I have seen them all and they all involve a man and a women having fairly straight sex. I completely understand the moral/ethical dilemma surrounding porn industry and have educated my DH about it. However for the sake of this post we shall assume that these DVDs are made by consenting parties... Anyway I don't feel upset at him watching porn for the following reasons a) He never choses it over me. It is used because I am unavailable, not because he prefers it. b) he is getting turned on watching other people having sex. He is not getting off over watching other women on a webcam or babestation for example (that would be a dealbreaker for me). c) Porn is a lazy way to get one off, but personally I would prefer that he watched porn than fantasized over real people. For example he could go to the local shop, see an attractive girl working there and then fantasise about her. Then that could then escalate into a day dream and so forth, and get out of hand if he saw her a lot.
   
   Now obviously in an ideal world I would like to believe that when he masturbates he only thinks about me and no one else. But I wonder if many people who have been in a very long term relationship can say they truly only think of their partner when they masturbate.
   
   I think porn can be massively damaging to sex lives and relationships. but think of it like alcohol. Having the odd glass of wine or pint is fine, but if you do it every night and choose it over supper its an issue.
   
   As I said though, these are just my thoughts, and I appreciate it is a sensitive issue and everyone deserves to have their feelings respected in a partnership.

[ziggletttwiglett]

I dont want my OH to watch porn simply because I see it as cheating. I personally can't see the difference between him jacking off to pictures or videos of my best friend to pictures of a stranger.. it is still another person at the end of the day.
I have told him my reasons and he now completely agrees with me and feels the same way if I was to do it.

I think watching porn when your single is fine. I'm not against him having a quick barclays when he feels the need and im not around but if he needs some visual material then he has pictures and videos of me and himDTD to use. Which I think he prefer anyway because I know he doesnt enjoy looking at other mens shlongs! Haha!


I think you have a right to dislike him watching it but you cant just get mad at him it doesn't work. Explain tour reason for the dislike and let him explain why he does watch it if your OH is same as mine and needs some visual take some of your own vids and pics.

And if not and it is a deal breaker then end it now no point trying to stay because he wont just stop watching it if he really doesnt want to. It will only lead to more lies and hiding.

[cricketnut77]

Why don't you watch some decent stuff with him? If every woman left her man for watching porn there would be about 200 married or attached men left in the country! (they dont have a computer !! )
Seriously if he is watching really nasty stuff or its effecting your sex life then clearly its a problem. But he sounds perfectly normal to me.

[OhBabyLilyMunster]

OP you are perfectly allowed to object to it. You have made your feelings clear, and so i would say give him a chance now that you have. If he lets you down again then you know that your feelings don't matter.

[gildedcage]

You are entitled to dislike it in the same way he is entitled to like it. It's a free country and he can do as he feels, however you have choices too. I made the same discovery 6months ago...I've been with my husband for 18 years. He has lied to me and eroded my trust but I agreed to move forward on the basis that we have a family etc together. He knows there are no second chances on this. I would never have married a misogynist...While you are at this stage of your relationship think carefully about what your boundaries are and what YOU can comprise on.

[fantasmasgoria1]

Not all men watch porn far from it. I agree with ziglett . If it’s affecting you he should have more consideration for your feelings. If it were me not would end things but that’s just me.

[Arcaneliberty]

While I don't support lying to one's partners in a relationship in the way he did, which of course could be a deal breaker in itself, your issue with porn is your issue, not his.

[LondonNiki]

My personal experience is that it is damaging to relationships. OP I was in your position after 12 months... after 5 years the porn took over and our sex life was non existent so that’s where he got his kicks to the exclusion of a real healthy relationship.

[Scott72]

Maybe break up with him? He's going to continue looking at it, and wanking to it. Although he may cut it back, it would still be more than you'd like. He'll probably keep fibbing a bit about how frequently he does it to keep the peace. This is going to continue to be a huge sore point between you.

He knows there are no second chances on this.
He's going to do it again though GildedCage. I don't think a zero tolerance approach works here.

[KennyCalmIt]

Him watching porn clearly has no negative effect on your sex life. If it did then I’d understand your feelings

He’s allowed to have a wank. He’s allowed to watch whatever porn he wants. You cannot control what he does and what he watches.

Why are you against porn? Him watching it doesn’t mean he loves you any less

Are you prepared to end this relationship if he doesn’t stop watching porn? All that’ll happen is.. 1) he tells you he won’t stop watching it so you’ll break up, 2) he tells you he won’t stop and you’ll stay with him full of resentment, 3) he tells you he’ll stop watching it and becomes even better at hiding any proof. So whilst you believe he isn’t watching it, he is but you have no idea about it

So either you must end this relationship or accept he will continue watching it even if he promises not to, because chances are he will.. he’ll just become better at hiding all proof

[Jaimemai]

What is the problem with him watching porn? I am not sure what you are upset about. My last boyfriend showed me his porn stash and I watched some of it with him. I didnt give two hoots.

[Myotherusernamewastakenagain]

Zombie thread

[Scott72]

It seems that ll the best threads are zombie threads... I think the site managers should automatically lock any thread which has been inactive for more than a month.

[ALovingSpirit]

If not watching porn is a prerequisite for a relationship you have one of two options:

1. Prepare for life as a spinster
   
2. Accept your man knows how to use “incognito” mode and you just don’t know about it

[Putthatlampshadeonyourhead]

Honestly, I think you need to break up.

Its bot good that he lied. But the lengths you have gone to, not just looking through his phone but interrogating the phone to look how long, doing it alot etc makes me think this isnt a good relationship.

I would not be with someone who thought this was acceptable. I also think he might be a bit scared to admit it.

If porn is a deal breaker for you it's a deal breaker. If you have to go to these lengths, it's not a good relationship

[Putthatlampshadeonyourhead]

Ffs....I saw the last few posts were from yesterday and posted.

Zombie threads really should be locked.

[Windmillwhirl]

I don't see a future here. He enjoys watching porn. You telling him to stop is not going to make him just stop. He's already minimised on several occasions

Watching to get sex positions? Really?? How many does he need? And as he is an avid porn watcher I'm sure he has more than enough ideas.

It doesn't worry me if a partner watches it but it clearly does you. Will you ever trust he never looks again?

I feel this relationship is doomed. He enjoys porn and the temptation to look and lie is always going to be in his mind.

[Windmillwhirl]

Thanks for letting us know it was a zombie.

[Cheeseandwin5]

There is no right or wrong in this. He likes to watch porn- many men do. They do not feel its cheating anymore than I would think looking at Ryan Reynolds film is cheating. If him not watching porn means so much to you, tell him and the reason why and then ask him to make a suggestion of something you can give up and follow it through.

[Myheartbelongsto]

Honestly, you sound batshit.

And controlling.

He should be allowed to watch porn if he wants. I think you've shamed him a bit here to be honest and if I were him I'd be running for the hills.

[user1479305498]

I totally disagree, I think porn is something that should be agreed on , if both parties are fine with it fair enough but if one party finds it not ok , then it’s no different from having a partner that gambles or is a drunk, just because it’s out there doesn’t mean everyone has to be ‘cool’ with it.

[Cheeseandwin5]

at User479 We are talking about masturbation here. If my DH said I had to ask his permission first, and then could only use certain approved methods I would be livid.