Don't know what to do about relationship with half-sibling

[MmeDubonnet]

Well I didn’t think I’d find myself posting in Relationships, but I just don’t know what to do about this and need some input. Sorry if it is long. I think it will be.

(FYI I am a regular but have NCed: Brian from Hull, naice minge, Gluezilla etc)

I have a half sister who is about 15 years older than me. She is the only child of my Dad’s first marriage. I am the only child of my parents’ marriage (parents are still together and are in their 60s). Sister was taken to a very far away country to live shortly after her mum and my dad divorced. She would have been about 7/8 at the time, I think. She has spent her whole life there since, and was estranged from Dad for quite a long time, until I was about 15 I think. She got back in contact with him and they have been rebuilding their relationship.

Here is the part I still struggle to get my head around: Dad, Mum and all the family on both sides concealed the fact he’d been married and had another child from me. They even went as far as lying about who she was when I met her at a family wedding when I was very young. It remained a secret until I was 17 and all was revealed in a grand TADAAA! moment. Needless to say this has profoundly affected my relationship with and opinion of Dad and his family in particular. I want nothing to do with his family (most of them are dead now anyway).

My sister, on the other hand, has known about me since I was born and desperately wants a sibling relationship with me. We have met a couple of times. I have been to visit her twice, once with mum and dad and once by myself, and we email or FB message each other infrequently. I am just about comfortable with that level of contact. Every now and then she gets very overwrought and sends me a very emotional email about how she wants to be a proper sister to me and how she’s loved me since I was born and all the rest of it.

I end up feeling awful for her that she didn’t get to grow up with her parents together or with me in her life (there’s a big wealth disparity between her upbringing and mine too), and not wanting to add more emotional crap to her life, but simultaneously angry about the deception all over again and angry about feeling forced into a relationship that I’m not sure I want. She’s a nice person, but we don’t share any memories or history together as siblings normally would. She wants an intensity of relationship that I don’t think I can handle. I have just never had the mental space in my life for a sibling - I always thought I was an only child. My father obviously wants us to have a relationship too.

I got one of these emails this week, written in the middle of the night her time. Maybe I’m a complete bitch, but I am just so angry at being put in this position over and over again. I want to tell her how I feel but I am worried about hurting her and worried about whether anything I say to her will just go straight to my father and whether I’ll get a massive guilt trip from him too. It is made more difficult by the fact I have moved back in with my parents atm while I am looking for a job.

What can I do? I feel as though I’m expected to put up and shut up for the sake of not rocking the boat for everyone else. But why can't my feelings be important for once?

Could you send a written letter - rather than an email that can be forwarded, explainig your confused feelings, disappointment in your father, the impossibilities of discussing it with him, your disappointment in beng lied to for X years and that really you are still coming to terms with the news that you have always had a sister.

You look forward to having a closer relationship with her but need to take it slowly, especially as you are staying with your parents, and feel spied on so it is difficult to be yourself etc etc.

Just be honest in a kind way. She might repeat all this to DF and there be fall out but that is not in your hands.

I wasn't close to my DSis until we both had DCs, she is much younger than me.

Just wondered if DF and DM could be putting pressure on her to form a close relationship with her long lost sister, to appease their guilt.

There are an awful lot of emotions going on here , and it sounds like you have managed to keep some sort of hold on them until now and she is now backing you in to a corner . I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I do think you have as much right as she does to your feelings . It sounds like she is a lot older than you and yet she thinks nothing of dumping all her angst on you .
I think because she has done that already then you are well within your rights to do the same . An honest e mail or letter to her sounds like a good idea .

Good luck it does sound hard .

And your dad doesn't get to decide what kind of relationship you have with a sister HE kept hidden from you .

My DS is growing up not knowing his half brother and sister forms his bio dad's marriage. His choice. I tell DS every now and again he has a big brother and sister that he doesn't see because the man that out him in my belly put them in their mummy's belly. He's only 3 but I don't want a big revelation when he's older like you've experienced. The other children are now about 12 and 14 I think. He also has a half sister six months younger than him from a different woman.... (Yeah bio dad was a catch) who we see a few times a year.

In your situation, (now I've offloaded), I'm not sure how you are supposed to form a relationship with someone you effectively don't know, in another country so you're unlikely to meet regularly? I'm one of five, with 3 step siblings so would find it a lot easier to have a relationship with someone new but I'd still find it difficult to get my head around.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

I have half siblings from my dad's 1st and 3rd marriages. When I was 13 I got back in touch with them and my dad and we had a relationship of sorts until my dad died when I was 22/23.

Then almost 8 years later I met up with the eldest half sister there was a big drama lots unspoken and we fell out. I was happy to be honest not to see her again. Then she got in touch with my brother and mentioned meeting me etc but she was playing games I think not apologising or understanding drama which she had caused. So I cut contact again.

Basically there's no laws or rules that say just because you're both related you have to get on.