what do I do?

[HelloBoys]

I will probably get leapt on here and told to LTB.

But here goes.

In 3 month relationship with new man. All seemed to be going well, intense, after a month he said he loved me and I love him.

He is adopted from age of 2. Doesn't have a good relationship with adoptive parents at all, they brought him up but no love lost on both sides. He now wants to look into finding his birth mother and feels abandoned. He also thinks this may be the reason why he can't take women back to his house (untidyness) which has been the case with me and his previous girlfriend before me December 2012.

He said last year he wanted me to visit, cosy nights in watching films and for me to stay over.

Last night we had a talk which turned into an argument as he now says he is very confused, withdrawn and sees work as his saviour. Now doesn't say he loves me although does when pressed.

I did say to him, what do you want me to do then? Leave you or stay with you. At first he wasn't sure (as to what his feelings would be after the adoption finding mother process) and then he said no he wanted me to stay with him. He got upset that I got angry over this and I said I appreciate his situation but wouldn't he be angry?

My heart says now - cut this short. My head says "that would be unfair and he's going through a rough patch".

I know what the vast majority of you will say - LTB but just wanted some more input. It's 3 months FGS but this was not a problem when we met and has only been flagged up last week.

I have a friend who is a rescuer.
She spent 20 years with someone who had a very abusive childhood.
The good times were the weeks he was sober, ate good food and went to work.

The bad times were when he drank, ate junk, didn't go to work, was abusive to her and the DCs.
Screaming at the DCs 'you have ruined my life, I wish you had never been born'.

She thought she could save him with tlc.
After 20 years she left him.
His behaviour has left it's mark on the DCs.

At this stage you should be putting yourself first.

Best wishes to you.

paxtecum that's the thing, if he drank, was unhappy, shouted etc then I would not be with him.

I am the person who naturally wants to talk things through, can lose my temper and also find it hard to meet nice men.

Last night we had a good night with my brother and his wife (who he didn't rescue!). My brother advised me earlier he wouldn't be having dinner with them (me included) if he didn't want to be with me. I actually got upset earlier as I had been thinking (with input from those here) LTB.

But after speaking with my brother and also speaking to my boyfriend in the past I think I'll give another chance but keep my eyes wide open.

Hopefully it'll work out and I have had friends with not great starts get better one friend of mine is now having a baby and is very happy but he was distrustful of women due to his druggie ex leaving him to bring up 3 kids singlehandedly and letting the kids down. So it can work.

Thanks for the advice

Toffee he is trying to improve things tho. He thinks because he's insecure this is why he doesn't tidy etc.

I'm quite prepared to stay and offer support (not too much) and at the first chance of me getting fed up trust me I'll end it.

Being insecure does not equal messiness.

Your brother is wrong saying the controlling man you are shagging wouldn't have dinner with you if he didn't want too.

This is all kinds of wrong.

He has said and shown he really doesn't want a "relationship" with you, he really is just a coward and won't say it's over!
Probably because you keep hanging on by the skin of your teeth.
It's not a rescue it smacks of desperation!!
( I have been there and deeply wish I'd gone sooner, waste of time)

Hi op

His untidyness could be an indication to how his mind set is at the moment, also it might be his safe place and doesnt feel able to share it at the moment.

Maybe see if he would look into some counselling, if head finds his birth mother etc he has to be in a good place mentally to handle any possible bad news or ejection he might face.