Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice please about MIL looking after DD

27 replies

Hippyhoho · 03/08/2006 15:23

My MIL wants to look after DD for one day a week when I go back to work (2 months away DD will be 1).
Any advice, I feel a bit sick thinking about it but fine with the idea of her going to nursery.
Am I being silly?

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 03/08/2006 15:24

Is there a reason why you think she may not be capable?

Original poster
Hippyhoho · 03/08/2006 15:30

No, I think I just don't want her to have too much of an influenece over DD. I am crackers aren't I.

OP posts:
SSSandy · 03/08/2006 15:32

If that's how you feel, might be better not to do it. If you chose to stop leaving dd with her, how would you word it/go about it? Think I'd stress the social factor of nursery/interaction with other children

suejonez · 03/08/2006 15:34

How about sending her to nursery but asking if your MIl could pick her up for you, you won't have to rush back from work, will give MIl a role but not too much time with DD.

Original poster
Hippyhoho · 03/08/2006 15:35

That is what I thought SSSandy. DP is really keen for her to do it, I know this is going to end up causing me a massive headache.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 03/08/2006 15:35

The best thing I ever did was let my MIL look after mine when I went back to work.

They have a fabulous relationship and I can't think of one bad thing about it tbh.

Why on earth wouldn't you want granny to have an input? Not having a go, depends on the granny obviously!

And no cost involved either...........

Original poster
Hippyhoho · 03/08/2006 15:36

Good idea Sue, but she lives 1/2 hour away and works herself, she has employed someone especially for the 1 day a week already as well.

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 03/08/2006 15:36

My MIL has DS(2.8) one day a week and has done for about 2 years. There is no getting away from the fact that he has picked up phrases, likes for certain things and even certain behaviours due to it. However, I think it is important that he spends time with other people and experiences different things. As long as you dont beleive that she will come to any harm and accept the fact that she probably will eat and drink more crap when she is there, then I would just be grateful for the free childcare and get on with it.

geekgrrl · 03/08/2006 15:38

I find that really sad.
Is there something wrong with your MIL?

Original poster
Hippyhoho · 03/08/2006 15:39

No geekgrrl, I haven't known her all that long though and think I would find it hard to ask to do/not do things with DD and so MIL would just do what she wanted.

OP posts:
geekgrrl · 03/08/2006 15:40

sorry, that wasn't a very clear post.

Find it sad that you're so hesitant. Your dd will benefit from having a close loving relationship with another relative. And why deprive your MIL of the joys of looking after her grandchild one day a week? They're only little for a short while...

Unless, of course, you have good reasons to object.

Original poster
Hippyhoho · 03/08/2006 15:41

The bad thing is, I know I would probably jump at the chance for my mum to look after DD.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 03/08/2006 15:43

Hippyhoho

If you had seen me when I first left dd1 you would have sniggered. Full A4 sheets of when to feed, what to feed, when to nap etc etc

Then I came to my senses and realised she had been there done it and must have done a good job as I married her son!

Yes, they give more crap food but you can't beat family imo, beats nursery hands down (again, not a dig just my personal op).

I understand your reticence, it comes with being a mum and is completley normal, but you will ALWAYS be number one, she will not usurp you in that role.

xx

northender · 03/08/2006 15:46

I know exactly how you feel hippy I wouldn't have wanted my mil looking after ds when we lived close. Now we live close to my parents I wouldn't want her looking after them on a regular basis either (felt more strongly about mil however as they undermine us all the time). They've both helped out a lot if dd or ds is ill or I'm ill etc and we see them often but I just prefer to do the nursery for regular child care.

mcnoodle · 03/08/2006 15:46

Agree with OO. I also felt a bit weird about gp's looking after ds one day a week, for lots of reasons, which I now realise were more about my general anxiety about leaving him full stop.

4 months in and I love the days he goes to them - hate leaving him at nursery. He is really happy there, they play with him all the time, and take him out. They follow his routine to the letter, and couldn't be more in love

I can understand how you're feeling, but think you should give it a go unless you really think they aren't up to it.

Jackstini · 03/08/2006 15:52

HHH - you say you have not known her that long but you have a child with her son? Did you not know her when you first got married? (Sorry if I am being nosey )
Don't feel bad for having anxieties about it, you have to go with your gut feel. tbh I am not sure I would want my Mum or MIL to look after dd for a full day on a regular basis (moot point as they both smoke so dh will not allow it anyway)
My dd goes to nursery and I feel fine that the people there are qualified and are up to date with recent info. Also, if you are paying someone you feel ok about giving instructions and preferences. Even at 34 I would find it hard to lay the law down to my Mum about how I wanted her to look after dd! You always have the 'it was good anough for my children' thing and I just wanted to avoid any of that emotional danger area.
I guess you feel a bit of pressure with her already employing someone to cover the day at work and what your dh wants but don't let this panic you into making a decision. Whatever you do decide - it can always be changed if you are unhappy - no care plans are written in stone

mcnoodle · 03/08/2006 15:52

In terms of them doing things 'their way', you need to give them the manual, talk things through and be confident (but lovely) about anything you aren't happy with.

TBH a nursery will do things differently to you anyway. Your dd is very adaptable and resilient and she will understand the different environments very quickly. I thought ds would never cope in either situation, but he does.

cat64 · 03/08/2006 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SSSandy · 03/08/2006 17:21

relationships with MIL can be notoriously tense and problematic. How do you feel about her personally? Do you like her? Do you get along with her?

You don't sound like the type of woman who voices her opinions strongly, so if your apprehension is right and things go wrong with this arrangement, not sure if you'd feel comfortable tackling it. If there is any animosity/veiled nastiness or the rest of it, I'd steer clear of the arrangement.

Why has she found a replacement for that day, did she assume it was all settled - and you're now having second thoughts?

SSSandy · 03/08/2006 17:23

to get out of it now without offending her is going to need a true mastery of diplomacy

northender · 03/08/2006 18:04

Felt I should add to my earlier post and say that both children have great relationships with all gps and spend lots of time with them but we chose not to consider it as an option for regular childcare. I can't speak for mil but I know my Mum felt relieved we didn't ask. That's our choice which I feel totally happy with and I don't feel it's at all "sad" to feel like that. No rights or wrongs imho.

theladyvanishes · 03/08/2006 20:20

i know exactly how you feel HHH, i gave up work to look after dd and i've now been called for jury service and MIL will be looking after dd and i'm absolutely dreading it and not because i don't think she will do a good job as she adores dd, I worry and i know i shouldn't that she may feed her the wrong things or not put her down to nap at the right time, stupid little things i know. To be fair i think its anxiety on my part at having to leave dd for long periods.

flannelettepyjamas · 04/08/2006 00:03

HHO
I know how you feel as I am about to start exactly the same arrangement with my MIL and DD 14 months.
Basically, I feel uncomfortable because my mum is 12,000 miles away and can't do it.
That's it.
My MIL loves DD to bits and is even more safety conscious than I am. She defers to me in everything DD-related and could not be a better carer.
BUT I still wish it was my mum ( and my mum wishes with all her heart that it was her too) and that's the only reason I feel uncomfortable.
I get the feeling this might be where you are coming from.

Latipsoh · 04/08/2006 00:13

HHO - i think you are seeing more to it than you need to.

It will be fabulous for your DD. She will be with someone who loves and cares for her. In the absence of you, and your own mum, what could be better?

If you want certain things done, just say so. No need to be frightened. She can only disagree with you. Even then, its not so terrible.

Are you sure you aren't just anxious about going back to work?

Original poster
Hippyhoho · 04/08/2006 14:59

Thanks everyone, after reading all your advice and sense I said to my DP that I had had a think about it and it does make good sense. Will be strong and firm but lovely too. just got to break the news to my mum now, she will be so jealous!

OP posts: