Midlife Crisis? Or just a knobhead???

[Rightallalong]

Name changed semi-regular. Where do I start?

DP of 13 years was being a bit odd in the lead up to Christmas. Buying clothes too young for him, ordering a new car that was way out of his price range, zoning us out when he was at home i.e. walking around with his headphones in. He works away from home a lot and he works really hard and I knew he was under a lot of stress for most of last year. He was grouchy and had a few medical issues to deal with but he never made me feel unloved, always hugging me, telling me he was happy, telling our son that he loved me and that he should be happy his mum and dad were so affectionate (DC would often be shoving his fingers down his throat in mock horror). We have the one child who DP's doted on since the minute he was born.

The flip side to his former self is that he seemed to be constantly stuck in some kind of teenager mode and has always had the belief that he can do what he likes in terms of going out, boozing until he's sick, spending a fortune on designer clothes - yes he earns a lot of money but frankly, his attitude when pissed is appalling. His behaviour did cause problems from time to time as I felt he was being disrespectful to us. He had a tough upbringing but I believed that he wanted the best for his Son and I truly truly felt very loved. He doesn't always deal with confrontation in the best way and he could be brutally mean (verbally) and selfish when ever I raised my issues with the way he was behaving at given points over the years. Obviously, the financial side of things was concerning me recently because for everything I was earning in my part time job, he was spending on himself and it felt like all my money was going in the supermarket and his was going on posh jeans.

So it was a shock to find text messages between him and a work colleague who is 22 years younger than me. They were flirty and he was really being some person I didn't recognise trying to impress her. I had asked him days before if there was someone else because of the way he'd been acting and he told me that my mistrust was ruining our relationship. Of course, I didn't buy that because my instinct was telling me otherwise deep down, but I just didn't believe that he'd ever do anything like this until the obvious changes in behaviour towards my Son and I.

I asked him to leave our home as he was being an obnoxious prick in front of our child when I found the texts. I thought we'd have a good discussion about it when the heat was out of the situation but it seems he just doesn't give a shit and he just ran off to another city to be near to her. He told me that me finding those texts was the best thing that ever happened to him and he feels 'alive'. He's said he never loved me. He told our Son that he just wasn't happy at home which I was livid about - to our Son he was always happy fun-loving Dad and actually, I felt we were a loving secure happy family unit too. I thought that though he was under a lot of stress, he was fine as I asked him plenty of times in the lead up to this.

It turns out she's back with her ex and has never had any real interest in him as relationship potential. Of course, that's made him come sniffing back my way from time to time over the last couple of weeks. He's refusing to do mediation until he's ready. I've asked him if he wants to reconcile and he won't say either way. One day he's gushing about what a great life we had and how he's lost everything for nothing, that he never wanted or expected us to split up and the next he's as cold as a wet fish and treats me like I'm shit for even trying to hold a conversation with him.

I have no idea what to do. I've taken all the legal advice I need so that if he continues behaving like a reckless madman then we're protected. I'm trying to separate from him in the best way without the courts etc. because I'll come out of it better off - his financial proposal is very generous, but very much on his terms and my only worry there is that he won't stick to it if the young bird he's got in his mind decides that she's up for a wealthy older sugar daddy after all.

I just feel like I've been living a big fat lie for the last 13 years. I feel stupid for trusting someone so deeply. Of course, my career went months after I returned from mat leave and there's not really any chance of me going back to that I've been out of that industry for so long. I have to sit and watch him winning awards and professional accolade after accolade, and see his bonus go up in smoke all the while wondering what the hell I'm going to do to even attempt to retrain and get something fulfilling for myself between now and retirement.

He's not back from this work trip for a month and I'm confused. I loved him very deeply. Our Son is obviously really upset and I'm having to constantly defend his father and not bad-mouth him when he's so angry. I'm making sure all his needs are met and in truth, I'm still trying to keep their father/Son bond going when he should be doing that himself. My Son doesn't want to speak to his Dad either when he calls to speak to him, often from different time zones. He says he wants his Dad to come home and that he loves him and hates him all at the same time. In truth, that's exactly how I feel. My Son is definitely my priority and I don't want to compromise his future which is why I've held off grassing him up to his boss for attempting to screw the crew (a big no no in that organisation) and why I've not contacted her and given her the gobfull I'd so love to. She could've at least shagged him for leading him on. I know it's all his fault but she knew full well we existed before she accepted his invitations. They went out a few times before I found out and were together every night until she got back with her ex who also works for the same organisation. She was using my ex to win hers back I think!

Anyone here any good advice on how to deal with ex DP? I'm scared to cut him off and just do the cold clinical court situation because I've tried that and frankly, it makes him worse...he told me he'd default on the mortgage and our home is in both our names - I have no hope of meeting the mortgage on my current or even a good predicted salary on my own. He has also said he'll continue to pay our Son's school fees and he's really happy in his school - it's a good constant for him at the minute. The thought of me doing anything rash to compromise our financial security is like torture...but then the way he's behaving is also like torture. I'm very tempted to tell him to shove it but my family are telling me to hold my tongue and be patient.

Even today, he's told me he's not ready for mediation yet and I just have to wait...either for him to 'snap out' of his bloody crisis or for him to decide he wants to reconcile. How does one stop thinking about such a bloody horrible man? I love him, yet hate him. I want him back one minute and the next I just want him gone.

He plans on staying here after this work trip because he hasn't yet found his bachelor pad. To be honest, I need his financial help and so I'm not going to say no. That sucks.

Sorry for the essay....any wise words greatly appreciated. Please go easy...I'm all over the place myself!

[Jan45]

So he's been wining and dining her on money he should've been spending on you and his child, what else can he do to make it clear he honestly doesn't give a toss. He's also giving this 20 something all his attention and hanging on her every word, and where are you in all of this, way down his list of priorities, if you are even on such a list.

Seriously, do as Bruno above says, keep it concise.

He's waiting to see if she will change her mind and take him back.

[Rightallalong]

thanks Minime85

Jan85 every time you post, I have to agree with you. You are the voice of reason keeping me going. I have to thank you. YOu are helping me to cut him off. You really are.

There is no excuse for what he's done. While he was spending hundreds of quid on work expenses (bloody cheapskates) and then more of his own money staying up there instead of being here near to his Son, I actually paid for him to stay in a hotel down here because I didn't want him in our home when things were so emotional. He came for dinner with us and then left after my Son went to bed.

Obviously, I couldn't afford to keep doing that so he's been staying here...I know he's waiting to see if he gets more action out of her...and because they are both in the same location next week, it's bloody clear why he's not committed to anything now. I do feel like emailing her to tell her everything too because I doubt he's being honest with her. But she sounds like a right bitch and I don't need him in front of a tribunal with so much resting on his salary!

I really need to get on with sorting all of this out before he's back.

I want to be strong and brilliant because I don't actually feel that I have any other way of getting even. And trust me, I'm so angry and hurt and exasperated that I really want to get even!

[magoria]

Why do you want to be with a man who only wants you because the OW doesn't want him?

You are worth more than that. You deserve someone who wants you like you want them.

If he agrees to reconcile this week then she clicks her fingers next week you won't see him for dust.

Start the painful ripping off of the plaster now. Decide you don't want him back and start healing.

[Farrowandbawl]

You will get even, just not yet.

The best revenge is to live a brilliant life without him and when he comes crawling back and see's that you are better off without him - and he will..then you can laugh at his apology and show his arse the door.

Patience is the key here and there is NO better revenge than to tell a squirming, cheating, lying, fuckwit that they have blown their chance with you. There really is nothing sweeter.

Just stay strong, let yourself heal and live a life that you want.

[Rightallalong]

Bruno, I think you're right on the school fees thing. I've already called his bluff on that one.

But I just don't know how far he'll go. He gets pissed off when our Son is quite understandably off with him when he calls. He doesn't want to speak to him when he calls etc. I'm sick of being saintly and trying to encourage their relationship. I think the ex is childish enough to spite his child if he's getting nothing from him despite knowing it's his own fault.

I guess we'll just have to see on that one.

[Minime85]

get some plans for you and DC, however big or small and that dont involve him. get them on the calendar to look forward to. make new memories for the two of you.

its all still so raw and bloody awful but you will come out stronger. you will be brilliant as you say and so proud of yourself for not needing him. as much as you might want to be with someone, it needs to be on equal and agreed terms not all his.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Just read your thread...

Yes- he is a knobhead. A selfish, egocentric knobhead.

You sound together and focused. Don't be swayed, don't let him back...
Good luck x

[Rightallalong]

Magoria, I know. I seem pathetic. Why would I want that?

Confusion I think. This time last week he was all over me and being gorgeous. Now he's obviously maintaining some sort of contact with her and as their time in the same office draws nearer, he's getting shittier with me and all the crap about him wanting to save us after all the brilliant years together and taking me away on the prize he's won at work is a distant memory...he said that to me on Monday!

He's an utter shit.

Farrow, I really hope you're right. I really do. I really can't wait for the day he comes back on his arse, so I can hurt him back by saying foxtrot oscar but I just don't think he will. He clearly thinks so little of me and obviously really fancies his chances elsewhere...

I just need to not speak to him for a few days unless it's urgent to do with our Son now. He distresses me and the hot and cold thing just confuses me. He's gone from saying that nothing has changed between us from last week (yesterday), and that he misses me - to today saying that I think we're getting back together when we're not. I made the mistake of elaborating on yesterday! He hung up on me when I pointed out the gushing text he sent to me on our Son's birthday in December; before she got dumped. It was all about how much he loved me. He'd told me the same thing, and how proud we should be of our Son and what an amazing family we are. He forgot he'd sent me it in a text too and that angered him as it reminds him that he's bullshitting about our past even to himself. He just got a better offer and his ego massaged by a younger woman of his favourite hair colour frankly. I don't fit the fantasy because I'm boring housewife mum and very much a reality. The more contact he has with her, the worse he is to me. His story changes daily and I can tell she's back in touch in some way.

The more I sound this out here, the stronger I feel. I want to ignore his calls. I want to just stay feeling like I do now. When I talk to him, he knows just what to say.

[Corygal]

You sound lovely - I bet in a couple of months they'll be queuing round the block. Don't you worry now.

[Theoldhag]

Make your plans, gather all info that you may need with regards to paperwork etc. legal advise, maintainance, access, what help you can get and get ride of this dead wood.

You deserve more than this and so does your son.

Be prepared to go though the stages of berevement, gp can get you counselling. Get real life support. Read up and be one step ahead.

Good luck to you

[Theoldhag]

Ps do not respond/react to his crap, give yourself time and space.

[Rightallalong]

CoryGal . If only that were likely. I have no idea how I'll even meet anyone else. It seems an alien concept right now and it's probably for the best!

Theoldhag, yes I think that's the wisest option. I've contacted the mediator today to set up an appointment for me to do my bit before he's back. Get it all recorded and his financial arrangement as it stands in with her so he can't back pedal. He's left some payslips on the dining table which is handy! I need to get a will written. I will do that over the next couple of weeks too. I need everything to be in place for his return.

I'll be decent to him which is hard, but I have to be for our Son. He can stay here while he needs to as my Dad's advice is to keep my gob shut and be amicable. Every time I have a go at him I'm giving him strength and justification for his behaviour. I got the anger out in the first couple of weeks and though it's never far from the surface, I am being way more effective if I can hold my tongue. That's going to be even easier if I don't listen to his bullshit mixed messages that frankly are being driven by another woman...I say woman loosely. She's 26 and divorced. When we started going out with each other, she was 13! I'm sure if he was hankering after someone his own age, I'd be taking this much worse actually...

[Rightallalong]

Thanks Mamadiggingdeep. I don't always feel together and focussed. It's why I posted here...I knew that MN would tell it like it is.

When you're listening to someone you've loved for so many years, it's hard not to get drawn in. It's still a bloody shock to be honest.

And I'm gutted to have lost my former bestie. We were pretty good mates as well as lovers before he zoned me out for her. Whatever it was that didn't satisfy him about his family life here I don't truly believe is anything to do with my Son or I. Just before I found the text messages he did say something odd about not enjoying his Son anymore...I thought it was odd and random. But frankly, he just doesn't like the responsibility and the commitment we need any more because he's had a few nights out with a young dingbat princess who played him. And so he's acting like he did when he was 25 and feeling alive. I feel pretty sad for him that he's the sad old guy (he's not that old, only 40), but he's hanging out with the bloody graduates he line manages. He envies them. It's cringeworthy.

Hey ho. I'm really thankful to everyone who's posted here this afternoon and evening...

[TheBeautifulVisit]

Are you married to him?

[Rightallalong]

beautiful no. But I've seen a solicitor who has reassured me that I'm in a good place financially.

She told me that the only thing she's unlikely to be able to negotiate is a share of the pension, but that because that's so big and building and because his potential earnings are so big compared to mine then she's confident that she can negotiate against both to get my Son a good deal from his father...he's not obliged to look out for me, but he is his Son. Because we've been together for a good few years, because I've always worked and because we've owned property for a good chunk of time - he's no more entitled just because he's the main earner.

The best thing was knowing that he won't be able to force us out of our joint home and that there are actually things in place to protect co-habitees with children. Common-law may be a myth, but this woman was pretty clued up on what she was confident in sorting for me. Of course, she told me to do mediation first as it's way cheaper and she could see I don't really have the stomach for court cases. But I'll bloody well do it if I have to.

[Theoldhag]

You are doing great, take care and be kind to yourself.

[Rightallalong]

thanks theoldhag

[Notnastypasty]

Your story sounds so similar to mine

Thought we were happy, in love, best friends and a happy little family of 3. It's so hard to believe that is all gone for a stupid crush on a work colleague!

I, like you, am struggling with DH walking away from our DD. I just don't get it. Sending you hugs and thinking of you.

[Kiwiinkits]

Be amicable, yes, but know what you're entitled to and fight your corner for it. No point in being 'nice' if he's going to screw you over. Sometimes it's better to be effective rather than nice.

[Kiwiinkits]

And OP, there's no fool like an old fool. Bloody fools (and their dicks).

[Rightallalong]

notnasty it's a ballache alright. I think the dynamic of being a family of 3 is somehow worse. With him gone, it's just me and DS and there's a big hole in the weirdest places. The dining table for instance.

To be honest, we're getting used to it but the changes are weird. There's more fruit left in the bowl. There's always milk in the fridge. The washing gets done much quicker. The place is calmer despite his bloody games. The bins don't fill up as quickly.

I'm dreading things like holidays because our banter has changed, our in-jokes were shared between the three of us. My Son is going to get bored of me nagging him to do his usual chores and I worry at some point, Daddy will be the fun guy who drops in and out as he sees fit and causes mayhem. Of course, Daddy will be the man with all the money for the extravagant holidays and shit too.

He was supposed to call this morning and sent a text saying he'd call but it would have to be quick. Of course, he didn't and used the international network as an excuse. DS didn't care one jot. And I just ignored the texts explaining but for an 'ok'.

I'm now going to see if we're 'tenants in common' on the mortgage because I need that changed. If anything happens to me, I want my Son to get my share...not him! Will making. Been meaning to do it for a lot of years. Now I have to it doesn't feel as daunting.

[Rightallalong]

Kiwiinkits cheers. You are so right about the fool. But though I know he's an idiot and I mean proper idiot...there are details I'm leaving out so I don't out myself which I may have done already - but seriously, these things would make your hair curl he's so damned stupid where she's concerned, that it's me who feels foolish.

I nearly believed him. I listened to him saying he was going to miss us etc. and believed him. Right until yesterday I was listening to his bullshit.

Still....I came on here and garnered a great deal of strength because looking at the cold hard facts is very sobering!

[Hoppinggreen]

Rightallalong you have had some brilliant advice so I'm not going to give you any more but I just wanted to say well done on how you've handled everything so far. You should be very proud of yourself . You were handed a real pile of shit and you are dealing with it all far better than I think I could.
Your son is lucky to have you for a mum, and one day when he is old, fat, bald and alone ( or with some bit of fluff who only wants his money) your Ex will regret what he has done.
Remember, the best revenge is to live well!!

[mammadiggingdeep]

Keep strong. Keep focused.

My jaw hot the floor with 'not enjoying his son anymore'. What is WRONG with these people!???????

X

[Rightallalong]

Hoppinggreen thank you. I really appreciate your supportive words.

Funny thing is he's already on the way to fat and he's already balding. This slip of a girl has made him think he's Brad Pitt!

But it's all OK because he could talk to her about work and she understood...Better than I could ever understand why he was spending our money on posh restaurants with her in the week before Christmas and then every night she allowed it after I asked him to leave.

You have to laugh that the minute he was free to go ahead and have a full on relationship, she backed right off and ran back to her ex.

Both of them are welcome to each other. I hope no one ever does this to her babies because it's the hurt you feel for them and their little lives that's the killer.