In a really bad place wth DH and DS

[saffronwblue]

Married 16 years, DS is 15. Their relationship is just deteriorating as DH is continually bullying, nitpicking and belittling DS. He does not see how hurt DS is by the way he speaks to him and how damaged their relationship is. I spend all my time facilitating between them, trying to keep the peace and feeling dreadful. I don't want to go on like this. DH refuses to see that any of this is his problem. He thinks DS should just be more compliant and obedient and does not see that he has thrown away DS's respect by being so full of bluster and meanness.
If he was a stepfather I would separate. But he is DS's own father and I don't want to break up the family if we don't have to. I don't know what sort of message DS would get from that. We also have a 12 year old DD ( who has ASD) and is very sensitive to atmosphere. Would they both be happier if we split up? Would I? Or is this normal teenage adjustment and DH and I will end up happy ever after again?
I am so sad, angry and confused. We just had a scene at dinner where DS was chatting happily about his day. DH just started roaring at him about his table manners. Everyone ended the meal in stunned and angry silence.

[Zazzles007]

Only just seen this thread, but I also had a childhood like this, except it was my mother who was the bully. Father was emotionally absent, supporting and/or permitting her bullying.

By the time I was in high school, I was being bullied, which continued for 2 years, and I ended up with migraines. When I told my parents about the bullying and migraines, they did absolutely nothing to help me. I was told to 'take paracetamol' for the migraines, and to 'ignore them' for the bullying. On becoming an adult, I have also been bullied in the workplace.

As a consequence I no longer have any sort of relationship with my parents, and its taken me a lot of therapy and self help for me to reach a place where my self esteem is anywhere near where it should be. Don't let this be your children, your H bullying behaviour will have far reaching consequences.

[Charley50]

I think your DH is not seeing his children as people in their own right, but as extensions of himself. Healthy parenting involves facilitating children growing into being themselves as young adults, not bring forced to be 'obedient' by bring belittled, shouted at and criticised. This was my dads only parenting 'style' and it was incredibly, incredibly damaging to his children.
Well done for wanting to sort this out and for wanting to communicate to your DS about it. However I agree with other posters that you unwittingly put the onus on him to understand his dads terrible behaviour, which isn't the right thing to do. Your DH needs to come to the realisation that he's damaging his children now and this damage will probably be long lasting, if he doesn't stop. He doesn't own his children!
If he can't realise this maybe separation is the solution.

[saffronwblue]

Just an update for those who were kind enough to share their opinions and experiences. Things have been better the last few weeks. DH has been making an effort to be pleasant around the DC. There have been no more blow ups and he has had happy times with both of them. I am still feeling very wary and cool and have been thinking hard about what life would be like for us all if we split.
He had his first psychologist appointment tonight. Weirdly the psych turned out to be someone we knew whose son played basketball with DS a few years ago. We always liked this man but never knew his surname. DH says that he had a good session, and he and the psych are both sure that he has Aspergers. He has 6 appointments and is going to keep going. The psych spoke to him about Aspergers adults being very quick to meltdown in anger. I pointed out to DH afterwards that my concern is the cost of the meltdown to those around him and that he needs to learn strategies to not get to that point.

[Cailleach]

I have to be honest and say I am not surprised: having Aspergers myself I made the link immediately from your description of him upthread. Well, that and the fact that your DD has ASD.

Glad to hear the psych is such a switched-on chap and picked up on it too. Having a diagnosis, even a provisional one, will make your DH a bit more aware of his own reactions to others and the reasons behind them.

It may be very hard for neurotypicals to understand, but little things like watching someone eating with their mouth open can cause a wildly disproportionate reaction in people with ASD. Being very over-sensitive to sensory stimulation means that things like this can cause a wave of intense revulsion to go through us; unfortunately I am like this, and it does take a lot for me to clamp down on the anxiety things like this cause. I don't often lash out verbally though, which is what your DH needs to try to get a handle on.

He can learn more about his condition now which will lead to greater insights into his own behaviour and better ways of avoiding his triggers.

All the best!

C

[Ringsender2]

Bookmarking as issues are affecting us at home too, except I'm not sure that potential ASD can explain things for us. Sorry that life could be better for you at the moment OP, and hopefully it will be.....

[tobiasfunke]

That all sounds very positive OP. Onwards and upwards hopefully.