Mummy's boys

[Loveineveryspoonful]

Have been with dh now nearly 5 yrs, married for most of it.
Despite couple counseling I haven't really got my head around the fact that I've always dated/ married mummy's boys.
I'm your classic second born people pleaser, and without fail my partners have been the pampered, self absorbed apple of their mothers eyes.
It never started out as obviously. They were kind, romantic, sweet natured and now also with dc so that we seemed terribly compatible. NOT!
Although I broke up with previous partners almost immediately when they became self entered arses, including my first dh, I'm less anxious to leave dh2. I don't want to put ds through another divorce, the kids get along great, and ds really likes his sf, and our finances are v much entwined.
Dh does have nice sides (helps with housework) and I'm getting to experience some things like travel I never could before. But I have to put up with him trying to turn me into his mum (who apparently loves me just for not being hideous first d in law: a woman v much in charge of the relationship and the two didn't get on well at all).
Which brings me to my other big problem, dh lets his dd rule him, there is only a passing nod to parenting when it suits him, unlike his ds. His dd is v self assured, like her mum, and totally takes advantage, which makes for very uneasy atmosphere in our house when she stays over (thank god only eow, dss 50:50).
We've talked about this for a year at counseling and there is no change. Dh has literally gone from his mother's apron strings (with whom he has regular contact, albeit via weekly scype) to being tied to dd (mil has rather uneasy relationship with her granddaughter, too, starting to be a bit afraid of her, just like she is daunted by the girl's mother).
In retrospect, my first dh moved from being governed by his mum to being under the thumb of his younger sister, which broke up our marriage.
Obviously I'm attracting this type of man and as soon as I assert myself they get mean spirited, petty and dare I say petulant? As long as I put up and shut up they are sweetness and light. On average that limps along for about 5 years and then I leave. Time's nearly up again...
Why can't I get the respect reserved for mils and "the other women" in these men's lives? What exactly is my role as their wife? I'm stumped.

I'm a little confused by what makes them "mummy's boys" from your post?
Surely if you have fallen for a kind, loving man then his parents have taught him to be like this? It's therefore understandable that he would respect them and want a relationship with them. I'm not saying this is the case as you've not written enough on it, but I do see a lot of posts where people hate their MIL as standard and spend their lives analysing them, rather then respecting them as an important person to their DH.
It seems that's the main issue is the relationship with his daughter, which is a separate issue? Talking to his mum on Skype surely doesn't make him a mummy's boy?

Thanks for replying.
My dad died over 10 years ago and my mum over 2 years ago. Dh only met my mum when she was quite elderly and needing lots of attention and never liked to support me in any way, actually pointing out how I was being used by my family. I had thought to get more sympathy at least as his mum had successfully battled cancer and was surprised when none came.
My dsis is a difficult person. She has MS and no other immediate family than me and my ds. I had to justify my needing him to be polite to her when we meet up (maybe an hour or two of his time@month) because its v draining on me anyway. I know I've asked him before for his emotional support, but it quickly fades (he can be quite rude to people in general).
He's fine with ds, my son is respectful and is well able to draw boundaries with step siblings (despite early attempts by dh to bulldoze him into making himself and his stuff unquestionably available to his rather spoilt ds). Happily the kids resolved their issues themselves and are bffs!
I have tried over the years to fathom dh and dsd relationship, given she is his first born, a daughter, from a rather privileged background and therefore more spoilt and entitled than average... But still can only come up with the explanation that

1. His mum spoilt him to bits and he only values unconditional love, doesn't want to work at it in a marriage with an equal.
2. There was /is great animosity between exw and mil.
3. Dh said his first marriage was over when kids came along (never wanted a second child, ds) and this makes me think he can only love 2 women max. at the same time, I,e his mother and his daughter. And when I read about interfering,hovering mils, I can easily replace "mil" with "dsd" to describe our home life.
4. Mil (and fil) likes me a lot because I respect her and see no reason to antagonize her (she lives abroad, hence the scype). But dh thinks its perfectly fine to communicate v regularly, asking mum and dads opinion on everything, including work (he asks me too, btw, but always wanting a second opinion from parents feels like he doesn't trust me) BUT he complained a lot about my mum and her needing me when she was poorly.

He has said openly that he wants me to be part of his family, not be a part of mine. Activities with relatives on my side are kept to an absolute minimum because he can act really sullen or cheeky, bordering on rude. It causes me anxiety. He has promised in counseling that he will rectify his behaviour.
Fair enough, I am laid back about respecting his parents and we see them once a year now in their home or they come to ours (especially mil).
But I want to be the other woman he respects, his equal, not the "bootycall" (we have a good sex life, I just don't want our marriage to end there).

When I see how my MIL acts with my DH and his brother it is a stark reminder of how I won't be treating my own son when he's an adult . My DH is 31 and his mom still sees him as her little baby boy and treats him as such. It's so cringey at times!! I can sympathise with you OP about some of your points.....I hate to think DH sees me as some 'current mother' to look after him but I wouldn't be surprised if he did a little bit.

Mind you, a few months ago my FIL said to me, "I always knew you and X would get married because you are just like his mom, I think that's why he chose to be with you"

I just didn't know what to say......

It honestly drove dh batty when his mum came to stay for a holiday now and then, we'd be huddled together chatting endlessly about dh, the mad ex, the spoilt rotten kids, finally she had someone on her wavelength to pour her heart out! I really don't begrudge her a thing and she and fil have always been kind to my ds. I'm just wandering out loud though if her close relationship to dh when he was growing up (fil worked long hours,there was an affair- hers- and dh stepped into his dads shoes...) has somehow messed up his relationship radar. I used to have dreadful images of dh and dsd in some sort of emotionally incestuous relationship, but someone recently mentioned how their hubby lets himself be ruled by mother, sister and daughter and a light came on! Its difficult explaining feeling jealous of a child, especially as I love my ds to bits, and I had read articles and books on spousification, which I also discussed with dh. I must admit dh did try once to build an adult status boundary for us a couple, but dsd would have none of it. She nearly rapped his knuckles for trying to insinuate she was part of the offspring equation, not the adults of the house equation (she's only a year older than ds and they're good friends, but she refuses to hang round the boys to give us some space, constantly hovers or distracts dh. She's going to be 17 in a few weeks, ffs!). I do realize she's only here eow, but the wedge created is so massive it takes a while to wear off and before dh and I feel strong again as a couple, she's back again... Classic mil behaviour iyswim. Trying desperately to find a workable angle here, so that no one feels pissed off and our marriage is saved.