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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

my brother sexually abused when I wa 6/7/8 now my family want me to make up with him

49 replies

VestaBeefCurry · 06/02/2014 00:30

I've name changed because I find the whole thing really embarrassing

My elder brother ..he is 15 years older than me did stuff and made me do stuff to him when I was young

I went to the police 9 years ago but nothing could be done as it was my word against his and he lives a lifestyle were he prefers men so no one believed me

Both my parents are dead so it's only me, my brother, my sister and our children

My sisters daughter has recently given birth and I've been asked if I can let bygone's be bygone's and all get together

I'm struggling with this because it's like my sister doesnt believe me.

I know she doesn't believe we all feel out when I went to the police

Should I just bite my tongue and play happy families?

OP posts:

Theoldhag · 06/02/2014 22:14

'As above and tell her if she wants to play happy families with a child abuser then she is putting her own children at risk.' < this.

A thought occurred though, is your niece aware that he uncle abused you?

Stay safe and stay away from him (I would think that may stretch to your sister too )

Strength and peace to you

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/02/2014 22:17

I believe you. Don't let your sister persuade you to do what she wants. She has no clue.

Pesca · 06/02/2014 22:18

No no no.. Do not let this go. Its bad enough it happened to you. You have to protect this baby. Please do not let anyone minimalise what was done to you. I dont know how to send flowers on here. So please accept a hug , xx

Hissy · 06/02/2014 22:44

I believe you too love. What BrunoBrookes said is what resonated with me most.

If you stfu, her choice to keep the status quo won't be so wrong.

But it is wrong, she knows it, but doesn't want to know it.

You know what you said is true, and you know nothing you do/say or think will change that fact.

Stay true to yourself and do what you know is right.

I'm so sorry you had to endure what you did. I hope you found peace somehow.

SoleSource · 06/02/2014 23:24

DO NOT DO THIS

EVER!

you're waaay better than them!

mcmooncup · 06/02/2014 23:59

I believe you

Live your life as you wish.
Absolutely no need on earth to think that this means being around the person who abused you.

However uncomfortable this is for your family.....fuck it.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Your brother however......he does.

Zazzles007 · 07/02/2014 08:42

I'm another one who believes you, and I second, third and fourth the resounding no's you are getting.

Don't try to live a lie like you are being asked to, it does no good for your self-respect whatsoever. Imagine you are getting ready for a family event, knowing he was going to be there, as well as the family's children? How would you feel?

AngelinaCongleton · 07/02/2014 08:47

I'm so sorry you are being asked to do this. It's totally unacceptable.

Quitelikely · 07/02/2014 08:59

I believe you. I would tell her politely that you refuse to be anywhere near the man who abused you and ask her from one sister to another if she will keep a sharp eye on her own children when he is around.

He is some animal.

Original poster

VestaBeefCurry · 07/02/2014 17:36

Neither of us every left any of our children alone with him, even before I ever said anything which often made me wonder if she perhaps knew something or felt uncomfortable in some way?

He is 15 years older than me, sister 13 years older so they were always closer and think this is why she maybe sided with him?

My sister and I didn't speak for two years after I went to police (following 2 incidences of my brother climbing into my sons bed during family get togethers at my house.

The first time I was uncomfortable but he said he was so drunk he thought he'd gone into the guest room and was in the correct bed. My husband convinced me it was an innocent mistake so I let it go

The second time it happened that was it ...I went to the police and lost the rest of family and indirectly my marriage over it as my husband would not make a statement to the police that my brother had got into bed twice for no reason (what reason could there possibly be for a 45 year old man to climb into bed with a 5 year old boy!!!!!). He thought I was making alot of fuss about nothing but being fair to him I had never mentioned what had happened to me as a child prior to that

My sister and I have had a relationship in the past 7 years we just never mention my brother. When I do bring up the fallout she just say's 'I don't want to hear lets just not discuss it'

2 years ago she asked us round for Christmas dinner, came and collected us.

We went in and how is there my brother.

Her family made noises about checking the chicken and all left the room just leaving me and dc in the livingroom with him and he tried to make small talk giving my dc's presents etc.

I got up, left and walked the 40 mins homewith my dc in a bit of shock really

I love my sister but I can not do this and pretend nothing ever happened

OP posts:

Lottapianos · 07/02/2014 17:50

Vesta, how awful for you. I'm so sorry your family are behaving like this. I've had similar - being expected to play happy families with my verbally abusive and aggressive brother. It really makes you feel like the least important person in the world. So hurtful.

I agree with everyone else. No one should be asking this of you. Put yourself first here. You have a right to your own feelings about this and to have those feelings respected.

Mishmashfamily · 07/02/2014 19:03

I believe you.

Similar happened to me when my step brother babysat. I was 7/8 he was 15. I however never had the courage to tell anyone apart from dp when I was drunk.

vespa it's horrible your sister hasn't supported you, bloody awful. I would be inclined to put a but of distance between you and her as it's always going to be the elephant in the room.

You were incredibly brave going to the police.

If you ever want to pm me your more than welcome.

DCRbye · 11/02/2014 21:11

OP, I have a friend who went through similar. From the age of 7 to 15 she was abused by her brother. She finally told her parents when she was about 18 and shortly after that the brother was killed in an accident. After that, the parents obviously did not want to hear my friend speak ill of the dead, so she has spent 20 years pretending it never happened.

Terrible business for you op, to suffer this and then to not have anyone understand, accept or validate. Well done to you for being brave and remember the truth is real

Meerka · 12/02/2014 09:55

I think you absolutely need to stick to your guns.

I also think you need to tell your sister's daughter what's happened and why you don't want contact, including about him trying to climb into your sons' bed. Did you ever manage to tell your ex husband? it could clear up a lot of confusion for him.

I'm so sorry all this happened and for the loss of your original family and your husband when you did speak of it. It's not fair that you've had to go through it in the first place, and then loose so much later on.

Lweji · 12/02/2014 11:07

That trap was shocking.

I'd be asking if she would consider socialising with a man who raped her. Or mugged her. Or beat her.

I think I'd be cutting ties with anyone who tried to force me to socialise with anyone who had abused me.

TheGonnagle · 12/02/2014 11:10

I believe you.
Bygones can never be bygones when child abuse is involved. Walk away with your head held high, you have protected yourself and protected your children as you should have.
I would be seriously considering whether my relationship with my sister had any future if I were in your position.

Botanicbaby · 12/02/2014 11:12

Dear OP - can only echo what the others say, please don't bite your tongue and play 'happy families'.

I'm so sorry your sister is not supporting you and says 'she doesn't want to hear it' whenever the subject is raised. Sadly an all too common reaction from siblings/other family members who have no idea how distressing it is to have been on the receiving end of abuse. I can only imagine how torturous it is for you.

Your sister is being very unfair here and is justifying to herself why she is letting this brother get away with it. It is all too easy for people who haven't suffered from abuse to just want things to be 'ok'. Well they're not.

I am horrified at the story about your brother getting into a 5yr old's bed, not once, but twice. Of course that was not a mistake. I feel like you've been let down more than once where your brother is concerned. Your niece should be told about her uncle's behaviour so that she can make her own decision.

So many people just don't know how to handle the fallout from child abuse and the person that suffers most, long after the initial abuse has taken place, is the victim. I really feel for you and am so sorry this happened to you (and that you are having to put up with this behaviour from your family).

Stand your ground. Don't let your sister dictate how you should behave. The realisation that someone close to you is an abuser is not easy to deal with but far better to tackle it than sweep it all under the carpet the way she is doing.

nomorebooze · 12/02/2014 11:33

Hi OP
your sister knows alright.....! I would be very peeved at her at putting you in this situation, Don't do it! Go with your gut, I think your siblings are bad for your wellbeing, If your sister is happy for her kids to have contact its her choice, she should not be brushing this under the carpet that's sooo disrespectful to you and damn right disgusting!
If she wants to fall out over this then I think its her loss!
Don't do anything your not 100% happy with.

Hissy · 12/02/2014 13:52

Dear God! how dare they do that to you!

She knows damned right and she needs you to accept the abuse because she can't confront it herself. By you 'playing up' about it, you are a thorn in her side, making her uncomfortable.

Tell them all to go an fuck themselves, and you WILL say that they have to choose HIM (a sick fuck of an abuser) or YOU.

You don't need these godforsaken people in your lives.
I am so sorry you had to go through this.

LEMmingaround · 12/02/2014 14:05

absoutely no way!! when i read the thread title i had visualied your brother only being about 12-15 at the time (even then its still very wrong, but still a child) but he was an adult and was fully aware that what he was doing was child abuse, happy families?? fuck the fuck off with that. So what if he is gay, what does that have to do with the price of fish, he still abused you :( Really angry on your behalf - if your sister wants to be in the company of a child abuser, then thats up to her i guess but you absolutely have every right never to have to lay eyes on that man ever again.

What is wrong with your sister - how can she even contemplate her daughter being around this man? it makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it.

LEMmingaround · 12/02/2014 14:10

Oh my God! i have just read your second post She knew!! of course she fucking knew, i bet she knew at the bloody time he was doing it :(

As the others have said I believe you and think you should have nothing to do with them, sick twisted fucks that they are. This wall of silence that families put up does nothing but perpetuate this, it protects the abuser but what about the victim and other potential victims - just horrible.

Well done to you for standing up to them and going to the police when you did - that must have taken some courage. but you did what a good mother should do and stepped up to protect your children, your sister was much older than you - she should have protected YOU, but she didn't which is why she probably has her head up her arse and is pretending it never happened.

Floggingmolly · 12/02/2014 14:18

No. Under no circumstances. He was an adult, you were a child.
Tbh, I'd bin the rest of them for not being capable of understanding that

LookingThroughTheFog · 12/02/2014 15:44

Vesta, I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

No, you do not have to see them - of course you are allowed to only allow loving people into your life.

Among the horrors of your story, think of this; that trick of your sister's at Christmas was her basically saying 'you don't get to choose for yourself.'

Do not allow her to take that power from you. You can choose.

magoria · 12/02/2014 18:12

No! Just no way. Not based on your later posts.

What has been done to you cannot be undone but you can damn well stop him from getting anywhere near your child!

He has already proved dangerous to your son.

You are better off without your sister if she is going to pull stunts as LookingThrough says she is basically dismissing your rights and opinions and saying hers are more important.

Do not be bullied or blackmailed into this.

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