Finally seen the light and getting divorced - a few tips, anyone?

[donttryandguessme]

the fault was mine, years ago.
I lied, he said he could forgive - he can't. He throws it all back at me when under stress and tonight he said it all in black and white - hasn't loved me for years, I'm an adulterer (fair cop) - well he yelled it to my kids.
I can't go back from here, I have to get some dignity back and the only way is divorce. I'm not living with this deepseated resentment and it's harmful-to-the-kids manifestations anymore. Myself, I kind of deserve it and I accept that, but if he's going to start using the kids as stage props in our sorry mess of a marriage then it's time to ship out. No?

Got to attend to kids will be back later.

you have to consider who is divorcing who if you are going for unreasonable behaviour as it has to be current not six plus months ago

otherwise you will have to wait two years from separtion

I don't know whether adultery "expires" in the same way as unreasonable behaviour does if not he could use that

DTAGM - Only you can decide if it is right for you to get out. You don't mention if you still love him?
I don't need to tell you that you need to sit down with him and agree to keep the kids out of it - it will be hard enough on them if you do go ahead.
If you do, the best advice I can give you is to avoid solicitors at all costs (if possible) No-one wins except them and it just takes away money you could have spend on your children. If possible, agree everything between you up front (using a mediator if necessary), then do a DIY divorce - mine cost me £130. My parents went the solicitor route and it cost 15 grand!
The way I coped with sorting it between us was to keep reminding myself we had been in love once and that even if we weren't any longer, that did not mean we were suddenly 'all bad' or that we had to hate each other.
It is not an easy time but if you have to do this try and make it as pain-free as possible for you all. Good luck

I agree with Jackstini too..and solicitors can in some cases make the whole thing more adversarial

I think that adultery does expire in the same way as I had a problem with it when I got divorced. It was too long ago prior to us filing for divorce to count so in the end we had to go for the two years separation although actually for us this only worked out as having to wait another 6 months.

thanks you two

it just has to stop, I won't be punished any more and I certainly won't allow him to yell "I don't love mum anymore" when he's cross to my son. I don't care about how long it takes I just want out. I do love him but deep down we both know that my mistake, although it does take two to create the environment for an affair - discuss, is insurmountable. I conceived ds1 with him and then confessed when ds1 was 18 months, and as luck would have it days before dh's father died. so all in all he just can't get over it.

I am rather looking forward to being free of constantly wondering when he's going to get stressed and throw it all up at me again. But oh my god the pain I feel for my boys is more than I can bear. They love their dad and he is a fabulous father. Oh my poor poor boys

I done a diy divorce after consulting a solcitor about reasons which was free and done it myself for about £200 or so.

have a discussion with him where you agree to put the boys at the centre of your divorce..make it entirely about them and what is best for them, if he is a fabulous father then he will see the good in that.

Very painful but keep pushing for them above all elese

have been out for a beer and a talk with my friend who has been thtough a divorce and asked the crucial question:at what point did you know you had to call it a day? And I don't think dh and I have reached that just yet, I still love him and am in love.
He needs to deal with his anger issues and take accountability for hte way he responds to stress. I would actually quite like to move out for a few months and get some space and my friend said I shoudl suggest we should go and seek counselling to help him deal with this anger as I vow he will NEVER bring my son into his flawed behaviour again. I will NOT allow that to happen. DH has to take accountability for his responses to stress and if needs be i will help him work through it; we are parents and we need to be able to parent without anger and if we can save our marriage on top of that, then all well and good

thanks
yes I will suggest it, of course I cannot use the phrase " you need counselling" it all has to be "we" or else I will get " but you're the whore who fucked my life up, not me"