Just thinking .....

[EekyBeaky]

One of my friends has been having an EA for a while now. I said he needed yo sort out his home life, not go there, he was just being flattered by female attention, grass isn't greener etc etc. Anyway, he's now moved this up a gear and it's physical. I'm annoyed with him - I know what it feels like to be cheated on (like you are going to or want to die) and I just feel so so sad for his wife and little DS (who know nothing). I know this is not about me AT ALL but I got to thinking.... Assuming he leaves his wife for this OW I don't think I could ever ever like her / be her friend. I'd want to make that clear to her from the off. Is that terrible and judgmental or ok to say that on the basis that (irrespective of her single status) she's (potentially) contributed to the breakup of a marriage - or certainly quite persistently enticed him away - and just think that is so so low. As I said, so so annoyed and upset with him. I don't think you should stay in an unhappy marriage but I do think you should end things properly and respectfully before moving on.

I couldn't befriend someone who had been an OW of a friend of mine, no. I don't think I'd say anything over and above what a massive twunt he is what you've said but I would probably let the friendship go.

Does your friendship pre-date his marriage?

Yes Jean, by many many years.

I don't think I'm right in saying this, but if it were me I would give him the choice of either ending the affair or ending his marriage properly and respectfully.
If he carried on the affair without telling his wife I would have to tell the wife. I'd probably do it anonymously because I'm a chicken!
Don't know what good it would do and is probably sticking my oar in too far, but that is how I would feel I had to play it.

I think it's a tricky one when your friends do things you don't agree with on a moral basis. I don't know how I'd react, I'd probably have to distance myself from him to be honest.

Are you friends with his wife too?

I suppose where I'm coming from is that he will be my friend ongoing because it's a longstanding friendship and he certainly helped me / has been there for me when my own marriage broke up (our parents are very close, family holidays when kids etc) but I would never accept the OW. That in some respects says that she is worse in all of this than he is - because I'm not prepared to give her the time of day - when in fact it's clearly the other way round!

No. Not really friends with wife.

I know this will not be a popular opinion but if you are his friend and he does end up with the OW, then you should put your opinions aside, respect his decision and welcome the OW.

I don't get why you would automatically dislike someone you don't know. She is single after all. He is the one who is cheating on his family and if you want to be harsh about it, you are complicit in the deceit because you know about it and are essentially condoning it by continuing to be his friend.