This should be in Aibu but I'm not feeling strong enough for that today...:(

[Badvoc]

This may be long, I'm sorry....
Even married to dh for 15 years. We have 2 dc.
Lots of ups and downs. He is quite an unemotional person and his family do not talk about feelings.
In the past 6 months;
My beli ed dad died suddenly and unexpectedly and despite dh and I performing CPR we lost him.
Later that same day my mum had a heart attack.
I was dads executor and did everything. Funeral, everything. My mum and siblings were in no state to do anything.
I am trying to be there for my mum but it has become impossible for me to go 3 x per day as I have been.
my aunt has had a terminal cancer dx and has perhaps 2 weeks left to live. I went to see her yesterday and she didn't know I was there.
I had to have emergency gallbladder surgery in November and am still not right, in fact going to have an MRI on Friday.
My ds2 is off school ill - again! - and I am very worried about him. Took him to the gp this morning and he has tracheitis and conjunctivitis. He ended up in hospital with tracheitis last summer.
My question is this...
Wibu to text dh this morning and tell him I am struggling to cope.
He sent me a text back "just be strong"
But, I've been string since last July and I'm done.
I can't do this anymore.
Dh went back to work the day after dad died.
He had no time off after my op and indeed went on a business trip for 2 days 3 days after the op. Ds2 was sent him from school ill and I ended up caring for a dc with d and v 36 hours after major abdominal surgery.
He has let me down very badly in the past wrt the dc and them being ill.
When ds1 was a baby he was very ill and in and out of hospital - they thought he may have cerebral palsy at one point - and he didn't even tell work that dc was in hospital :(
I dont know why.
His family are really weird about illness and hospitals...as mil constantly tells me "we don't do medical things"
Because I love it so much, right??
I am feeling very upset, sad and angry.
He works fairly locally and has holiday he can book.
I just needed some emotional support today.
A hug, someone to lean on.
It's not going to happen is it?
I so want to tell mil that her PA comments on illness and medicine upset me but can't...it would be be that has a problem, not her.
Dhs answer to any problem is to "get his dad of come round"
Now, fil is a nice man, but I don't really want him when I am feeling low and vulnerable. And probably vice versa!
So...
Aibu?
What can I do, other than never expect dh to be there for me or offer emotional support? (I have already asked a friend to take me for the scan and to see the dr for results so that's sorted.)
His reply would be that he has to work and can't have time off - but a few weeks a go was talking about going away for 4 days with his friend!!
Here I am again today stuck at home with a poorly dc feeling dreadful and like I am a huge burden to him.
If feel utterly bereft.

Oh badvoc. What a shit run x

How would you feel about going to counselling with your partner? We had counselling as a couple and I found it really helped. I felt like the counsellor was acting as an advocate at times and really making my husband hear what I was saying.

From what you have described it is not unreasonable to ask for help and to expect it.

Good luck

I cannot imagine dh going for that.
He is furious I am even discussing it with a friend..."we don't do that"!?
Erm..what? Get support from friends?

So where are you supposed to go for support? If he isn't offering any then he has no right to dictate that you can't go elsewhere.

How about if you say 'you must book a couple of days holiday so that I can have a rest, because I can no longer cope'. What would he say?

Badvoc it all sounds shit. I'm sorry that you are so lacking in RL support.

I think you need to pick a time when both you and DH are calm and lay it on the line in simple terms - you need him to support you.
The suggestion of counselling is a good idea, a trained mediator to get the message across as frumpy says.

You definitely need some time for YOU. I don't think you've had time to breathe and grieve sufficiently yet with all that is going on?

I am not the only person who's DH answer is to get his dad round.

Oh Badvoc I'm so sorry to hear of your the loss of your dear Dad.

I was in the same situation with my twin sister last November - she collapsed suddenly and myself and DH tried to save her with CPR. I too blamed (blame?) myself that maybe I didn't do enough to save her: did I react quick enough? Did I do the compressions hard enough? Was I distracted by my DS keep coming into the room? But one of the things I've learnt from Doctors since is that most people don't even attempt CPR and unfortunately, even if they do, it is not successful in many, many cases but at worst,it's better than doing nothing and at best, you've given that person a chance. Please don't be too hard on yourself, you went through such a traumatic experience - I'm sure that your Dad will love you even more for even trying to save him.

It sounds as though you DH's family aren't the most emotionally open people (understatement I know). I agree with other posters who suggest spelling it out to your DH the support you need. He doesn't need to "fix it", he just needs to be there to listen and comfort you by holding your hand or cuddling you.

In the meantime, take whatever support you are offered or feel you need. You absolutely have the right to talk to your friends. Maybe have a chat with your GP too? It's not right, but sometimes people need to hear from a medical professional that you are struggling and maybe your DH is one of these people? Like if a Dr says so..

I wish I could say something more constructive or something which really helps but my heart goes out to you. Feel free to pm me if you feel it might help to talk to someone who has been through similar

Thank you all, so much.
I am reading and taking all the messages on board.
Everything you are saying makes sense.

Rusty... I am so sorry for your loss x

Badvoc I'm sorry you have had such a shit time and that he is of really no help.

What are his good points? How is he supportive of you in anything? It is amazing how a bereavement can bring out someone's true colours.

Thank you Badvoc

Be kind to yourself x

What an awful time you've had and so much to cope with. No wonder you are at breaking point. You need some support and you need to rest.

Is your DH normally supportive and helpful (your post leads me to think not), or (looking for a positive side) is this out of character?

Perhaps I'm reading it wrong but he sounds rather callous and I'm not sure why he needs it spelled out because he's a man. It's plain as mud to anybody with a heart that someone who has been through all you have (sudden bereavement, seriously ill child, serious operation) needs love and support,

Please take care of yourself x

Badvoc, so sorry to read about your troubles. For the sake of your kids look after yourself first, get some more help from friends or neighbors (church?) to take some of the load off your capable but severely tried shoulders.
Like Buzzard said, a bereavement can bring out some hidden sides in a partner. When my mother died 2 years ago dh did not accompany me to her funeral (a short trip within Europe), his excuse was he'd have his dc (not small kids) to look after that weekend, he'd not told his exw about my mum because he was afraid she might offer her condolences and took them to the cinema instead...
Our couple counselor has told me to give dh precise instructions on what I want, compassion, empathy, support in the given circumstance. Dh isn't autistic, he's a selfish git with the moral compass of a shockingly spoiled child.
Look after yourself, and put yourself first!

If you think you might find reluctantly given emotional support unhelpful, ask your H for practical support eg, cook a meal/go shopping/look after DC for an afternoon or evening so you can have a break.
And seek out other sources for sympathetic listening - friends, or maybe a counsellor. You can also ring the Samaritans - they are not just for the suicidal and their purpose is to listen sympathetically. Your distress is not going to be 'too trivial' for them, it's not trivial at all.

He was amazing the day dad died...he took over ventilating dad and went with him in the ambulance. I am so grateful to him for that.
I feel like I ab a bit u as how can someone suddenly become someone they aren't?
Perhaps he cannot offer me what I need?
I could quite happily go to bed for a month tbh :(

Spoonful...I am sorry about your mum. What an odd reaction from your dh!
Elder...yes, I am glad my dh isn't the only one who does that!

How have you been Badvoc?

I've been thinking a lot about you and I hope you've managed to speak to your DH. I hope he steps up as you have been through so much and still silently coping with the aftermath.

You sound like a lovely lady

Hello rusty :)
Thank you.
That's very kind of you.
It's been a rough week. Ds2 still quite poorly with this awful virus that seems to be doing the rounds.
I had my MRI today so that's one more job done.
Just been to see my aunt. She is very frail now :( also been to see mum and we went to the cemetery. Still seems so unreal. I am sure you must feel the same.
I have asked dh to leave me alone - he was trying to be all lovey dovey and I just can't do that ATM.
He brought me flowers and everything...and I sound like a spoilt child but I just don't want them.
I want support, and care, not apologies and flowers :(
How are you rusty? X

Sorry to hear you've had a rough week and your poor DS still being poorly. It seems never ending sometimes doesn't it?

When do you get the results of your MRI?

It sounds like you are doing so much for your aunt and mum. It's breaks my heart that you need someone to be your crutch for a while, someone you don't have to be brave and capable around. Your DH really doesn't get it You don't sound spoilt, you sound disappointed and with very good reason.

I was away at the weekend visiting family and friends, recharge my batteries a bit and came home to two emails from friends of my twin who had just heard the news so I've had to go through it all again... It's lovely that people care and I appreciate so much them getting in touch but it's hard dragging all those awful memories up which I've tried in my mind to replace with happier memories. I've not been able to do anything with my twin's ashes yet, I still need her close to me.

I've been meeting with someone from the hospital's breavement centre, just once a week to talk through everything and the aftermath. It's an amazing service and it's really helping me. Is there anything like that you can access? I've also heard really good things about Cruse Breavement Services who can offer counselling over the phone? Just someone to talk to may help, even if just a little.

How are things with your DH now? x