We have reached a stalemate - and neither is backing down

[saltire]

DH is in the military. he has 2 years left, however has just been offered promotion which means he gets to sign on.
He wants to turn it down and get a job in the Glasgow/Edinburgh area.
I have followed him around the country for the past 15 years, and want him, if he comes out, to settle back in my home town, which i feel is a great place to bring kids up ( plus i don't think we could afford a house in the areas he wants to work). We have a house in my home town.
I always said that as long as he was in the military that i would go wherever he was sent, but feel that the time has come now to let me have a bit of a choice.I feel that if he goes ahead and turns it down and chooses to live where he wants that i won't want to go , and will end up leaving him. I just feel so sad that it's come to this.
The thing is i know he has been really unhappy with this current posting, but he could get offered a post somewhere completely different, which he might enjoy. He has been in the military since he was 18, and is almost 40, so it's going to be hard enough adapting to civvy street with out the possibilty of me not being there to help him. I know i'm being a completely selfish cow, butI don't want to give way on this.
My mother has told me that i need to just put up with it.

That sounds like a really tough one. If I were you, I'd feel like you'd made a deal and he was backing down on it, I think.

Is living in your home town worth giving up your marriage for though? Would he consider getting a job in Glasgow/Edinburgh on a trial basis and if you absolutely hated it, moving to your home town?

for you both. I can see both sides (but am on your side, obviously, as a fellow MNetter )

I can see why you have reached a stalemate. Its a tough one.

I imagine there is a stigma attached to leaving the army and adapting to "civvy street". I dont think its difficult for ex-army to find a job these days but I dont doubt that it will be difficult to adapt to life after army either.

That said, I think that it will be hard wherever you live, and so I'm not entirely sure why he is insisting that Glasgow/Edinburgh is going to be any better than anywhere else.

Im assuming he hasn't actually got an offer of a job in the area he wants to live, so its just a flight of fancy?

I would imagine that it might be slightly easier for him to find work in your home town as there may contacts that you know who would have an ear to the ground, workwise.

I think a compromise is the only way forward - meaning both of you compromise. I think he should give it a go in your home town, but if it doesnt work (and he has tried), then try out glasgow/edinburgh instead.

being practical here :

how far is your hometown from Glasgow/Edinburgh ? is it commutable, or close enough to keep up the contact.

Could you sell the house in your home town - would that give you enough equity to get a foothold on the housing market in Glasgow/Edinburgh (they are big places - must have a wide range of house prices).

What sort of job is he likely to get ? Is that available in your home town ?

Do you work ? what prospects for a job for you at home or in Scotland ?

Think about all these things before you make a big decision based on the emotional response to his suggestion.

Yes, I would agree that the question that came to my mind is 'why Glasgow/Edinburgh?'

My home town is a small town. Not a lot of jobs there, but its with in commuter distance of carlisle, the Lakes etc. He doesn't want to live there becuase he hates the place. He has chosen Glasgow/Edinburgh because they are central! Central to what exactly i don't know. There is no way he would get the kind of job he wants (which according to him needs to pay at least £30,000 a yr to match his military salary) in my home town, i realise that, however i also don't want to live in the two places mentioned, or anywhere within commuter distance of those places either. Our house was bought 15 years ago for 31,000, and is probably worth (based on the town) about 65,000/70,000. He also get a lump sum of 30,000 when he comes out.

He hasn't got an offer of a job yet, he has 2 years left. However his "resettlement advisor" told him that the best way into a company is to write to them, giving them a CV and then you stand a 1 in 2 chance of getting a job, as they will keep you on records and when one comes up they will remember you. All very well, but what if one comes up whilst he still has 2 years to do, or what if 1 doesn't come up for another 6 years?

hard one.
If he hates your hometown it's not fair that he has to live there, but it doesn't sound as if he's considering what you want at all at the moment either.

Hmm tricky one.
I think that perhaps you are both being a little bit unreasonable and getting more and more stuck in your respective views of the situation, making it hard for either of you to back down without loosing face.

I know that you say that you don't want to live in Ed/Gl but to discount anywhere within commuter distance is discounting a huge swathe of towns that you might actually quite like if you visited.

I really think that you need to try to make some sort of agreement that you can both stick to with a definite timeframe, eg We will live within commuting distance of Ed/Gl for two years but if at the end of that time dh doesn't have a job that he likes and pays at least £xk or I still hate the place then we will move back to my home town. If either of you then went back on the deal, knowing how much it meant to the other, then I think you would be justified in splitting up.

Would it be possible, with the figures that you suggest, to rent out the house you have in your home town whilst you live elsewhere? That way you wouldn't have cut your ties entirely?