Relationships and having a baby with someone

[bobbypins]

I'm hoping there are some thoughtful people out there who can help me sort my head out.

I'm in my late twenties, and I know that one day I'd like to have children (what else do you do with the rest of your life otherwise?)

I recently had a brief relationship with a guy I was crazy about. I'd never been so attracted to someone or been able to picture actually getting married and having kids with someone as I could with him. It was all very new and exciting, and I quickly fell for him. After a few months it all came to a rather inconclusive end. Then I found out he had a wife and a baby (why do men do that?!)

It has all left me feeling very lost and stressed about the future and relationships in general. I have had boyfriends before where there has initially been a strong pull, but it has faded with time. With this guy I felt like I would never lose it. I'm so jealous now of this family he's already got, the fact that I can never have that with him, and so confused over what this means for me. I know I don't want to be with someone willing to act like that, but I think it is unlikely I will feel like that about someone again.

So... I am after some advice on how you decide you want to have children with someone. Is that out of this world I want to make something from the two of us right now feeling only ever really there at first? Or is it more about having a stable, loving relationship where you perhaps don't still have that intense level of attraction, and just deciding that it is a suitable time to do it?

Like you, I have a tendency to see love in absolutes. Either the big, sweeping romance where you can barely catch your breath for swooning and desire OR the steady stability of a long term nurturing love that kindles slowly and burns steadily and stably.

It's only recently that I've realised that there are people who enjoy both with the same person and that my flawed perception of true love has rather a lot to do with why I always end up with bastards. I've been an easy target. All they've had to do is present this hugely romantic, whirlwind illusion of love and I've signed up for a lifetime of pain. I'm going to change that and stop looking outside for affirmation all the sodding time.

I had an incredible 12 month relationship with a man in my 20s. I had never felt so strongly about anyone or anything. Turned out he was cohabiting with another poor woman while painting the town red with me. It took me years to get over it and stop holding the amazing times we had up as a shining example of true love.

He was, in truth, a total lying tit and I deserved better, as do you. Learn to like yourself now instead of wasting a lot of tears over people who merely pretend to love. Rethink children when you've fixed yourself.

I'm sorry you fell foul of an ass.

Well I wouldn't necessarily take anything I say with any seriousness since all my 'wisdom' is the result of lessons learned the hard way and I have done everything in the wrong order, but FWIW here's what I've learned along the way.

I am single mother of two, currently in a serious but not cohabiting relationship after being single for several years following the breakdown of my relationship with DC's dad. This is the healthiest relationship I've ever had, and while it's not yet been tested by the passage of time (less than 2 years) or cohabitation, I think it's healthier than many marriages. We are ideally suited in terms of temperament, likes and interests, future goals, approaches to money and children, etc.

Like many people, I made the mistake of thinking it was full-on passion v long-term stability. Now I'm in a healthy relationship that ticks all the boxes, I've realised that the one can develop into the other, and while the expression of passion may change, it is no less wonderful. Stability does not mean giving up lust - far from it. Trust can lead to greater intimacy and erotic experiences.

When I first got together with this man and couldn't keep my hands off him, I had a brief-but-powerful urge to procreate with him. Fortunately, I recognised this for the hormonally induced event it was, and didn't give in to it nor indeed even came close (being a mother of two already may have something to do with that). I am very glad about that now that phase has passed. We have since had the conversation about children and while I don't know if that will be in the cards for us (we both have some career building to do and I may be physically too old past that point), I know that if we did have DC together in the context of a familiar relationship in which there is a history of bonding and togetherness already established, that would be so so much better than if I'd got pregnant in those first throes.

It's easy to say for me because I already have DC I guess, but I'd take a look at the reasons you want children. It's not compulsory and not always a good thing. I think many people could well be happier if they didn't have DC. I'm not trying to put you off, but please only have children because you really want to, and not because it;s just what you do. There are many other ways you can achieve fulfilment.