I've namechanged for this.
I've been with my DH for 12 years. I have a DC from a previous relationship, who is now 16. My first husband was extremely abusive, controlling and bullying towards me. DH and I have two children together; they are aged 4 and 9.
At first, and for several years, DH was lovely. Very respectful towards me, not controlling at all. Fantastic to be with really. I became a SAHM after we had our first child together, which was something we both decided on, but in the past 3 years or so he's started to become quite nasty at times, and I feel quite bullied, and am starting to feel like I did in my first marriage. I don't understand why he has changed so much.
When I was a SAHM he became more and more dictatorial towards me, shouting and being unkind if I hadn't done enough in the house in his opinion, and at the same time refusing to do anything himself. I now work, basically full time but I work school hours, pick up the kids, bring them home, sort them out with tea and bath/bed/homework, and then carry on in the evening. So essentially full time really. When I didn't work he wanted me to work, and now I do work he wont' do his share around the house, and gets annoyed if I ask him to do anything that enables me to work, such as take a couple of days of annual leave during half term.
He says unkind things, supposedly joking about me, and when I object, he turns it round onto me and says that I speak to him like shit, and that I need to take a long hard look at my attitude. He often says I have an attitude problem, but I don't know how I have? It's like he wants to say/do what he wants and I cannot object at all. He sulks for days when I've answered him back. He also thinks he has first dibs on any time in the evenings/weekends. So he'll get home and basically tell me he's not doing any childcare/clearing up tonight as he's doing X, Y or Z. If I tell him I'm doing something he gets annoyed.
He gives me no sympathy or support if I'm ill. If the kids are ill he gets cross with me. I was up with DD all night the other night as she was ill and I got no sleep. I carried on as normal the next day, working (I work from home), housework, sorting kids out etc. When he got home I mentioned in passing I was tired and he just said really venomously 'You should have gone to bed then'. He hates me being ill. He won't do anything to help out at all if I'm unwell.
He won't ever discuss his behaviour with me. If I ever try to talk about things he says I'm trying to cause an argument. he recently said something disrespectful to me and when I pulled him up on it he said to get back in my box. Then it all turns round onto me having an attitude problem, I'm an arse, I speak to him like dirt etc.
I think what he wants is for me to toe the line, never query him, me do to everything, and to just put up and shut up, which I won't do. I feel so alone at the moment and it's affecting my self esteem and I'm very low even though I'm on antidepressants.
I don't understand why he started being this way and how he changed so much. Did I do something that made him turn into a bully?