I feel like life is just over after he left

[TwixandMarsBar]

My partner left me. Since he left I just feel overwhelmed with problems. At first I was just crying and shaking and couldn't think. Now the practical side of the mess he left me in is starting to hit me and I feel like I want to just roll into a ball and die. I fantasise when I'm going along in the car that it will crash or something because life just feels like it has no answers.

Everything in life revolved around being in a couple. We depended on him financially. Without my ex I couldn't pay rent on my own and the council couldn't house us because they had nothing. I didn't even have an income or a job...who would rent me a house anyway?

I had to go to Mum's as we had nowhere else which meant moving my son's school, which he hates. He just keeps asking to go home and I can't do anything about it.

My ex used to babysit my son because I work part time at weekends now no one is around to do it so I haven't been able to work. I am stuck with credit cards and stuff in my name and all sort of other bills I don't know how to pay. Benefits aren't enough to keep me afloat.

I didn't walk away with anything really. We don't even have a TV.

I don't know where to go or what to do. I am early forties and just went from having a great life to having nothing and not knowing what to do next.

I've been so down and agitated that today my 11 yr old son wrote me a letter saying I wasn't a good Mum anymore and he doesn't want to live with me.

I just can't face how good life was, you know, the nice house, the family, the happy bit, my son all happy and I felt settled. I really loved my partner. After a really shit childhood and life (my son's Dad hit me and my Dad was unstable mentally) I thought I'd finally found a great life and felt safe and now I am supposed to just start again.

My son is relying on me and I don't know what the hell I am supposed to do. I can't even drive, have no assets, no family with any money and am just feeling no confidence.

I suppose I have to get back into full time work, but I can't stop crying and who is going to hire me anyway.

I wish I'd never met him. Never knew he'd leave me in such a mess. The bastard.

Contact the council. They used to have a debt solving department. You can take all your debt bills into them and they will contact each company and offer them a tiny monthly payment, often literally a few quid which by law the company has to accept. Once this is done you will have your head cleared of one problem at least for time enough to sit and think a little clearer.

It does get better. Your heart will heal and one day you will find a silver lining. I'm a great believer in them but they dont show themselves till they are ready. I have been in several refuges over the years, had to start from scratch several times with nothing. Life is as good as you make it and at least you do have your mum, I didnt as she died when I was 23. You are allowed to wallow in a bit of self pity, its allowed you know. You are allowed to cry and get it out. Stuffing it inside till you feel like you will burst never helped anyone.

Why wouldnt anyone hire you? You are as good as the next person. I remember one year I had 37.50 to share between 3 children for christmas pressies. I consoled myself with the fact that at least I had that 37.50…better than 17.50 right. It gets better and at least this time, if you do it on your own, you will come out stronger and NO ONE will be able to take the new life you build for yourself and your son away from you because it will by yours and yours alone. xxxxx

I am so sorry Twix.

This has clearly been devastating. You son is coping with a similar level of upset and loss and is taking it out on you because you are the one who is there. Hard though it is, try and remember that his father is the one who caused this. It is not your fault even though your son's pain must break your heart.

Have you been to see your GP about how you are feeling? Would your mum go with you just to hold your hand? You also need to get some legal advice. He has to support your son financially and a free initial consultation would give you some clear indicators of what steps to take.

You will find work but you need to be in a position where you can see a pathway through each day. It will get better, I promise you. One day you will look back and see that a man who could do this to you is well beneath both contempt and you.

Hang in there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your pain is really tangible. People do care, you know.

First things first, I think you need to get to the Doctor. You sound depressed. Even though it's a natural reaction to shitty circumstances and anti-depressants won't make your life suddenly rosy again, they may give you enough of a sense of detachment that you feel able to start tackling the things you need to do to improve your life.

Secondly, you need to get a roof over your head and a steady income. The council can help with this or the Citizens Advice Bureau. Please don't worry about your debts. The law has changed to help people in your situation. Some of it can be written off completely and the remainder can be organised into a one-payment-covers-all-of-them arrangement that you can pay weekly or monthly and afford to even on benefits.

These two tasks - an appointment with the Dr and an appointment with the CAB are things you can organise this week and actually see someone within 2 weeks. If you do nothing else, pick up the phone to these two today.

After that, start getting angry. IT will motivate you. Your X isn't a great guy who has taken away all that is good from your life. He is a shit who has made his wife and DSS homeless and left them up shit creek with debts he is taking no responsibility towards. He is a fuckwit. Everyone has the right to leave a relationship they are unhappy in, but how you do it speaks volumes, and his behaviour says he's a selfish bastard. You and your DS are better off without him.

It will take time to find your feet again, but you can and will. Once you've got somewhere to call home and got a handle on money, you can start tackling the idea of getting a job or if you're not qualified to do anything, retraining so that you are. Your DS will be proud of you when he sees how his mum has overcome adversity and gone on to shine.

Remember: when you have nothing, you have nothing to lose, so what would be an unacceptable level of risk to many is an opportunity for you. For example, you can spend hours studying in the evening because you don't have to worry about neglecting a partner. While on benefits, you can take the risk of retraining in a way that someone in a job with a mortgage to pay cannot. I don't mean this to sound trite, because I know it's not that simple and none of it takes into account how low you're feeling right now, but a simple case of changing perspective can really help when you're trapped in this sort of situation.

Good luck.

Thanks guys for your replies. Just saying it here was a relief. I am trying to pretend like everything is ok or something and am too ashamed to really tell my friends what sort of a mess we were left in. They think we're just having a break at Mum's and will be home soon.

I don't think I am depressed.

It just hit me today when I was trying to work out what to do and everything just seemed like such a massive problem. I really miss being in a couple and sharing things with him and feeling like he would look after me.

He just always handled everything and i never had to worry about bills or where to live. I never thought I would ever find myself in the homeless office at the council.

I did have a really good career before I met him, I just need to move (my Mum is really rural) to get jobs in my field, so I need a flat deposit and money for furniture and stuff. I think it will be okay in the end, it's just getting started off without anything. No friends have a spare room and I can;t expect people to take me for a few months on the sofa with a kid in tow.

I think in the end I won't have a choice my to leave my boy with Mum while I go off for a few months and get settled. I am so angry he made my life such a shit heap.

I know it's self pitying, but I never did anything wrong and don't understand why this happened to me. I feel like I am in someone else's life