DH is useless with money

[givemecoffee]

We're in massive debt - half of it is his gambling debts. Every month is a struggle.

We've been there, done GA etc and for 2+ years I've had control of his money and we're finally seeing the benefits. Except he's been lying, he still owes money to friends and is quite willing to take every penny he can and leave me with nothing, just to cover what he owes them. He continues to smoke and goes to the pub every day after work while he waits for me to pick him up.

I'm not naive, his pay goes into my bank, the bills are always paid. But I want him to start suffering the consequences, without leaving him with no alternative but to gamble again.

I'm so angry with him, but not sure how I can make him realise that he's not having any money from me unless he accounts for his spending, without me sounding like his mother, lecturing him and giving him no real responsibility.

btw he's happy for me to dish out pocket money, but it's obviously not enough and hes borrowed until he can't pay it back and then breaks down and tells me.

I could throttle him. I've screamed at him, he says he's ashamed and sorry and can't cope etc.

He's the sweetest, kindest, most loving, warm-hearted person who is my best friend as well as my husband, but I have reached the end of my tether with the shit financial situation.

I have no one to confide in about this. I know I should leave him to get on with it, we split whats left after bills and if he cant survive on it then touch, but I always give in and give him what I have.

I know things have been a lot worse, but I can't accept the lies. Not after everything we've been though.

Name, not NAND?!

Oh OP I feel for you. The most difficult life lesson I have learnt is that you cannot change someone else's behaviour, you can only change the way you behave towards them.

From what you say you are (as others have said) enabling him. He has no reason to change his behaviour as he knows you will bail him out. Please, please, please stop doing that immediately. Let him take responsibility for his actions. It is so tempting to rescue him each time but it is the very worst thing you can do. Be strong.

Hi Givemecoffee

I was you a few years ago. Almost exactly. "Nice, sweet husband" on the one hand, smoking, gambling and drinking on the other.

I also busted a gut keeping control of the finances, handing out pocket money, keeping spreadsheet after spreadsheet on how "we" were going to pay back "our" debts which were 100% run up by him.

I totally endorse what others have said, and what I realised for myself. I was totally and utterly enabling him.

The Gamcare counsellor I saw by myself (extremely helpful btw) made it very clear that a) it is possible for the gambler to stop but it is down to him, nothing anyone else does will make a difference and b) me being in charge of the money was doing nothing in terms of the gambling except making me feel slightly more in control, erroneously.

I finally saw the light, that sort of behaviour will eventually erode the most loving and trusting of marriages, I am getting divorced and have taken every step possible to financially seperate myself from him. I try and focus on his attributes as a "loving sweet" dad now, I want nothing more to do with him and what he does can no longer affect me.

It feels a million times better being free from someone elses problems dragging me down.

Good luck.

p.s. for anyone affected by problem gambling, this website is really interesting and useful, do take a look.

gamblingwatchuk.org

thank you everyone for your replies.

We have talked. He says he hasn't gambled for almost 2 years.

I have told him he can sort his mess out, I'm not bailing him out anymore and I can't be responsible for his actions. If he's big enough to ask for money then he should be big enough to tell them he hasn't got it. Serves them right for lending it to him. They all know he's a gambler. He is using the money for smoking and drinking and paying back from the month before.

For the first time he opened up and admitted he's gone from one addiction to another and he knows he's in the wrong, but he's weak and can't stop. He is stressed and therefore smokes more, drinks more and buries his head in the sand. I was shocked to hear him actually say the words.

I've always been aware of his problem, from when we met. Financially, house, car, bills are in my name only.

I feel relieved that I have finally said NO. Enough is enough. He needs to sort himself out and only he can do that.

I'm not going to let him drag me down, however much I love him.

I made a choice to marry a gambler. It wasn't easy, but I went into it with my eyes open.

I'm taking a few hours off work to myself to think. I don;t want to threaten him that our marriage is over unless he sorts it out, but is there any other way?

givemecoffee, I've been through this and sadly it was the end. He lied and lied and lied. He would swear to me that he wasn't gambling, but he was. He also drank and smoked. I am so so much happier now.

I'm surprised you even have any respect left for him, he's weak alright, I don't see that changing tbh.

Make sure this is the last chance cos your life is in limbo otherwise.

You sound like my dm. He will keep you poor. If he knows you have money he will spend it for you. This includes clothing, food, house, holidays.

If he isn't gambling what is he borrowing money for? Boozing?

Don't pay it back and give him one last chance. Let him get out of his own mess. And be aware that if you divorce he also gets a split of the assets which he will piss away and then want to try again.

Sorry, that's harsh. But you went into it with your eyes open and he planned to change. You're allowed to change your mind.

If you do threaten to leave, he might have to go before he realises you are serious and go nc.

He could be gambling online, with mates, playing cards, but its not your problem, you didn't sign up to be his keeper. Who is looking out for you in times of trouble? Its not him.

Take care, thinking takes time.

He does nt see his salary as joint money for family things. He might contribute to bills etc but he sees any over as his play money. And you keep your spare cash for nice things , bad emergencies, right?

He knows that. He is your own personal emergency.

Over time I have become less tolerant of his behaviour. At first, I wanted to help him, I thought I could stop him from doing it, but now I know only he can do that.

I'm stronger than I ever was, I no longer worry that he won't pay me his share of the bills and he knows he's run out of chances. I am not going to give him one more penny.

So many of you have struck a chord and I although I knew deep down I was enabling him, it was too easy to just give in. (Who wants to live with a 20 a day smoker when they have none?)

As far as today goes, I have finally realised that this is it. I'm going to tell him that I need him to sort himself out or he will have to leave.

I can't pay the mortgage and bills without him, but either way, if he continues wasting his life away like this, we will have nothing anyway.

Hopefully, his so-called friends will stop borrowing him the money, if he can't pay it back when promised.