Respect

[YomAsalYomBasal]

DP and I have an ongoing disagreement. He claims I don't respect him, which I have to confess is probably true. He says it's my responsibility to find respect for him, I think it's his responsibility to earn it. Any ideas how I can find some respect for him or are we doomed?

what does he mean?

By 'respect' does he actually mean he wants to be acknowledged as the last word, the superior half of the couple, that you never challenge him!? Because that is what my x meant by respect. or does your h mean, don't make plans without checking with him first, that kind of thing??

What are the disrespectful things that's been said.

Is your voice heard in the relationship? do you challenge him, in an attempt to be heard and reach compromise? You shouldn't have to do that. Asking to be heard, having to push hard to reach a fair compromise, that's not disrespect!

A bit more of a heads up on how your perceived lack of respect manifests itself would help.

Well it's hard to say without examples.

There are aspects where DH and I don't agree, or ever vehemently disagree.

The key is context. Mostly we are good, that makes the rest less significant.

I do criticise him fairly frequently, I think that's where this stems from. He is disorganised, messy and tends to do everything about half as well as I would, in my opinion. He doesn't 'see' housework/paperwork/anything that needs doing and has to be asked/nagged. He is clumsy and often breaks or damages things and shows little remorse which drives me mad. He insists he is right in discussions/arguments, even in areas where I have more experience and knowledge. He works fewer hours than I do, earns less than I do but does fewer household tasks. Reading that back I sound like a right bitch. Is that the real problem here?

I think that you're caught in a vicious cycle with him where your criticism isn't helping but is making things worse... Maybe if you start thinking and talking more about what is good about him and what he does right, that will help. The things he does sound annoying though, the fact that he's not pulling weight around the house isn't on. But maybe better to rephrase it. Rather than continual criticism, put the focus on yourself I.e. "I feel so upset when you don't do any housework". Show him the impact it's having on you. It's really unloving of him to act like that and he is not respecting You in his behaviour

I guess it depends if you are criticising him for 'not doing it my way' or for not taking his share of the weight.

Some women do get into a habit of assuming theirs is the 'right' way of doing things, and making it difficult for others to do anything, because they get told off for doing it 'wrong'.

OTOH some men get into the habit of doing things badly so as to get out of being asked to do them again. Or just can't be arsed to do things to an adequate standard in the first place.

If he works less hours outside the house, he should take on a fair proportion of the chores around the house. How you divide that up depends on stengths/weaknesses/preferences. But he ought to have responsibility and take responsibility for some aspects of the house. Sit down and talk. Then expect him to do his things, and try to give him room to do them his way. Consider if you're criticising fairly, or if he's being an arse...

I lost all respect for my rather lovely XH. He was a decent guy, but to coin a phrase, a bit of hapless loser. Always very caring, kind and generous, good company, full of good intentions, never willingly lazy/hapless/incompetent, but basically incapable of functioning like a proper capable grown-up without the same degree of organisation required by your average 10-year-old. Everything he did would go wrong in some way. As the years went by and I found myself reluctantly forced into picking up more and more of the pieces, I did lose respect for him. I wanted a partner not another child. IMO once respect goes, love follows soon after.

I believe in always treating people with respect even when they irritate the hell out of you. If your own behaviour is to a certain standard, it helps you to keep your focus on the issue at hand rather than get side-tracked by tit for tat. That's not that difficult to do in most relationships outside the home - we all do it with certain colleagues or family members, for example - but it's much harder at home. In my case I realised the only way I could maintain my own standards was to leave the marriage.

I think you should be very careful about what you say to him. To me, he sounds as though he's doing a very good job at using your lack of respect towards him to deflect from the fact that actually he's taking the piss. Contributing less in all areas of your relationship is not acceptable. Earning less is neither here nor there, but if he's working fewer hours and you're still doing more of the housework that's quite another.

What do you want to do about it?

OK. Everyone has the right to be treated with respect. This fundamental rule of human rights means that everyone deserves to be respected as a person: recognised as the unique individual that they are, to be heard and to be considered ... also, of course, not to be harassed, insulted, assaulted or tortured, etc.

In your explanatory post, it sounds as if neither of you affords sufficient respect to the other.

OP, try reading this book.

Perhaps we have got into a vicious cycle where neither respects the other. It doesn't help that one of our DCs is a poor sleeper so we are sleep deprived and touchy! I resent the fact I do more of the night wakings than he does, he's quite selfish I feel when it comes to sleep and food as well. He will make himself a cuppa but not ask anyone else if they want one, will eat the last of the biscuits without a second thought for example. It sounds so petty written down but all adds to this feeling that he is another child.

Dahlen - dp sounds like your XH.

I have tried to discuss this with him, the fact that I feel like the only adult in the house. He believe it's my attitude that's the problem though not his behaviour, and that I should love and respect him for who he is.

Thanks Yom.

My considered opinion is,he's a dick and deserves no respect!

He will make himself a cuppa but not ask anyone else if they want one, will eat the last of the biscuits without a second thought - er, that's very disrespectful!

I do hope you'll follow Dahlen's counsel.

"I think you should be very careful about what you say to him. To me, he sounds as though he's doing a very good job at using your lack of respect towards him to deflect from the fact that actually he's taking the piss. Contributing less in all areas of your relationship is not acceptable. Earning less is neither here nor there, but if he's working fewer hours and you're still doing more of the housework that's quite another"

Bingo.

Thanks - will look out for Wifework.