How do I get over this resentment of my DM?

[CambridgeBlue]

I've realised recently that I feel many of the problems in my life stem from what happened when I was growing up. When my parents divorced DM married a violent, abusive bully and was with him for over 10 years from when I was in my early teens and living at home through to my 20s when she finally dumped him. We all (DM, DBro and me) experienced some really nasty stuff and it's taken DM years to get back on her feet but she's now married to a lovely kind man and living the life she always dreamed of.

I've realised though that I feel really resentful towards her for letting us go through all that. I was regularly the one who intervened in the violent arguments and had to be the peacemaker between her and her bastard of a husband, in the years afterwards she leaned on me a lot and even now if she has a problem I'm the one she turns to. She's always been supportive of me in return but it feels like a very loaded situation - she gives a lot but expects (and has always expected) a LOT back.

In comparison, my Dad behaved quite badly around the time of the divorce and I didn't speak to him for some years. But we made our peace, both said what we had to say and now have a much more open and loving - if lower key - relationship.

I've never told really DM how I feel (and don't feel I ever could - what purpose would it serve?) and I think this is why I find our relationship so tricky. She has a fantastic life now (although doesn't seem as happy as I would expect with it) which she has gained by the good fortune of picking a decent husband this time. I know she feels bad about the past and is still affected by it but I sometimes think she has come out of it all much better than I have. I know DV victims may see that differently but it's how I feel.

How do I get over my resentment of all that happened and her part in it? I can't imagine ever letting my DD witness the sort of thing that we did but I also know what a manipulative bully that man was and how long it took her to find strength to leave him. I need to put this all behind me because I've realised that it's colouring many important areas of my life and I don't want it to any more.

You have every right to your feelings. Only you can decide whether a conversation about them with your mother would be a good idea. It sounds like you think it wouldn't - trust that feeling. She may not be able to give you what you need here. It sounds like she has always leaned very heavily on you for emotional support - my mum was the same when I was a child and I also feel resentment about this. Its not a child's job to take care of their parent

Would you think about counseling? I've been in therapy for 3 years now and I can't recommend it enough. Its very hard to make sense of complex feelings, especially when family were involved. It would really help you to process your feelings and start putting yourself first in your relationships. Keep posting and good luck

I'm sure you're well aware that DV victims often feel trapped and unable to leave. Their self-confidence and self-esteem (even if it was high to begin with) is eroded by the abuse to the point that they feel they don't deserve any better. They make excuses for staying with a bully because the world seems a scary place if it has to be tackled solo. The woman you're describing sounds extremely weak if she was leaning on you for support as a teenager and is still very dependent on others now. I think you already see her as a pathetic figure and your real resentment and anger is towards the bully that you can't get back at.

As a victim of male abuse... even if it was slightly one-removed... you may benefit from the Freedom Programme.

I think I would really benefit from counselling but feel as though I don't really deserve it - I'm not depressed or unable to function and I know waiting lists are long, I'm sure there are people who need it more than I do. I know that sounds a bit martyrish though, maybe I should just talk to my doctor - is that where I'd go to start the ball rolling?

I don't know what the Freedom Programme is but I'll have a Google. DM was very emotionally vulnerable when she met HIM and I do have a lot of sympathy for all that she's suffered but nobody ever seems to remember that I've suffered it all to, as has my DBro. The events that took place before she met him, the whole marriage and everything that's happened since. She gets sympathy and is given a break because of all that (quite rightly) but we don't seem to. I don't want to be a victim but just having someone recognise that we've had a tough time would help - that's completely aside from my relationship with DM though.

I also think that counselling would be beneficial and its not a question at all of whether you deserve it or not!. Its more a question of need and the need for you is there. I do not think your mother is equipped enough emotionally to actually give you the answers you want and need.

BACP are good and do not charge the earth. NHS sessions have waiting lists a mile long and only last for around 6 sessions at most.

Womens Aid run the Freedom Programme which is for women who have been in previously abusive relationships. Actually talking to them may well help you as well.

Your situation was similar to mine, though my mother showed great strength in many ways and didn't put a disproportionate amount of pressure on me to be her 'rock'. I admire her in so many ways and forgave her long ago. We never talked about it, but I know she loved me and did the best she could at the time. She got on with things to the best of her ability, and that habit has rubbed off on me. I get on with things in life pretty well. I also learned never to be 100% reliant on a man, and to educate myself and earn a good wage, or at least be capable of it. She taught me a lot. She encouraged me to get educated, and travel and know someone inside out before I committed to them.

I am also acutely aware that the world has changed dramatically in the last 30 years or so. When she left dad (a lovely man, but all wrong for her) for the arsehole (who of course only turned out to be an arsehole a ways down the track…) divorce was a dirty word, and DV was unheard of - certainly in our circles. I think she probably felt great shame. Plus, you know, all the things COG said.

Anyway, I blame him for any residual issues I might have had. He's the arsehole. Not her.

Sorry you've had this to deal with too :( I agree it's him to blame at the heart of it but her continued neediness and the effect she has on my life now means it's easier to point the finger at her. I guess I shouldn't but years of being the dutiful daughter and the good girl has worn me down a bit.

'Dutiful daughter' and 'good girl' - you have hit the nail on the head OP. It sounds like you have been brought up to consider other people's feelings at all costs and to deny your own. Same in my family. Your feelings that you don't deserve counselling suggest strongly that you have been brought up to keep your head down and shush and not make a fuss. But you have every right to have your own feelings and to expect support. Please don't underestimate how hard it can be to move away from painful lessons like this - its not like flicking a switch, more like pulling apart a very messy ball of wool! I highly recommend getting a professional person to help you on your journey

Yes I understand, you want to feel that people understand that you had feelings and nobody really noticed at the time, did you feel no one cared about what you had to say? Like you didn't have a voice. Also you can't get back at the abuser and that's where the brunt of the blame lies.
I also think you feel your mum didn't really listen and wasn't there for you.

Nobody has acknowledgement your pain and hurt.

The thing that everyone has to recognise is that while she had little power in that relationship, you and your DB had NONE.

So for her to be the needy one, even now when she has it so good is really, really unfair on you.

Counselling, definitely, but if you can't (or even if you can), find someone to off load to. Everyone needs someone to talk to. Find your someone. What happened wasn't fair on you and you need to be given the opportunity to verebalise that, to express anger, sorrow, all of it.

Try to find a way to distance yourself emotionally from her a little bit when she's being unnecessarily needy - I hope you understand what I mean. Not turn her away when she really needs you, but to stop her pessimism getting you down, because after being dragged down emotionally too many times it gets harder to pick yourself and deal with your own problems.

I am quite a people pleaser - I sometimes feel that everyone from my boss to my friends walks all over me and I never stand up to anyone. Except poor old DH who is far from perfect but takes a lot of crap from me.

When it was all going on I got quite badly (for a teenager) into drinking and silly reckless behaviour, just as a way out I suppose. My DM didn't notice though, she was too wrapped up in what was going on - not her fault but hurtful all the same.

I love the 'messy ball of wool' analogy - my past definitely fits that description!

I'd never thought that my unresolved issues were because I couldn't get back at him, I've always directed them at my DM (if I've thought about it at all, I've got pretty good at blocking it out and pretending things are fine). I'm ashamed to say I've even felt sympathy with him at times, she can be such hard work that I've imagined he may have felt driven to be so nasty. I know that's a wicked thing to say (God don't let anyone suffering DV read this, they will hate me) and I've never admitted it before but I think facing up to what I actually feel, however unpleasant my feelings are, is half the battle.

When it was all going on I got quite badly (for a teenager) into drinking and silly reckless behaviour, just as a way out I suppose. My DM didn't notice though, she was too wrapped up in what was going on - not her fault but hurtful all the same.

Stop it! Stop it right there!!!! It WAS her fault that she didn't notice. You are her daughter, she was responsible for you. It was her job to notice and she FAILED. You have ever right to blame her for that.

Well that's kind of how I feel really if I'm honest, I can't imagine not noticing that my DD was coming home drunk or whatever. I'm just trying to see it from both sides.

I do talk to DH a lot but he's a little bit biased because he's not DMs biggest fan (unsurprisingly). I also don't feel it's fair to bang on at him too much, he's my husband not my psychiatrist! I find it very helpful to post on here, people have so much good advice and so many experiences to share.

I get what you mean about distancing myself a bit and I am intending to but I want to move forward so I can do the right thing and support her as she gets older without being a self-sacrificing resentful martyr! She was like this with her DM because of past issues and I know how things like that can repeat through the generations.

I'm just trying to see it from both sides.

And that's it in a nutshell. You're trying to see it from both sides, you've spent your whole life seeing it from both sides. But your mother has NEVER tried to see it from your side, ever.

Isn't it about time you spent some time focussing on your own side now?

I think she has tried but I'm not sure she gets very far! She tells me she feels very guilty about staying in the situation for so long but I don't think she's got any real idea of the impact it's had on us.

Cambridge, it seems that you need to learn to focus on yourself. That's not a criticism - its not surprising that your main thoughts are of your mother since that's how you've been trained. You sound so neglected emotionally. Do you think maybe your mother's admission of 'guilt' was a way of vaguely acknowledging what happened but also shutting down any further conversation about the issue? She's told you how she feels but doesn't seem to have given you any space to share how you feel

I don't think she'd be up to dealing with how I feel so she doesn't give me the opportunity to say it.

But she's supportive in other ways (to the extent of being over-involved and intrusive at times but I think it's well meant) so I can't say anything without looking like a bitch because from most perspectives she comes across as being everything a good parent should be. I just wish I was able to point out that she can't make up for the past by being over-involved in my life now. It's not that simple.

My problem is I've lost all perspective about what's normal in relationships so I find it hard to know when I'm being unreasonable and when I'm justified in feeling pissed off.

I just wanted to add to the already excellent advice here something that I found very helpful and that was writing a letter to my mum and dad and expressing everything I ever felt or wanted to say to them. I had no intention of sending it to them (my dad had recently died when I wrote it anyway) and that made me completely free to write exactly what I wanted and to get it all out without fear of repercussions. I know it might sound odd but it really felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders and helped me move on a bit. I would imagine if you also had counselling if you felt able you could show them the letter too rather than having to relive it all out loud if that makes sense. Big hugs to you.

Thank you, that does sound like a very good idea. As I said, just posting on here makes it easier to sort out my thoughts and see things more clearly.