First post, not sure what I should do!

[GreenRedGlass]

Hi, I've lurked on here for a while but this is my first post. I've been with my DH for 10 years and we have 3 DC, things haven't been good for a while. My brother died very suddenly a few years ago and my aunt died suddenly a little while after, this caused me to have anxiety attacks and I was depressed which he found hard to deal with. I think we have both not put in enough effort to our marriage and we are not very close anymore. I've seen some messages he has sent to a girl he met on snap chat saying he's single, she lives in a different country so he's never actually met her so its not an actual affair. I told him I'd read the messages and he said he knows its not right but he's not really sorry as he doesn't feel like we are much of a couple and he just liked the attention, I asked if he wanted to leave and he said we could try to sort things out but I feel like he should be more sorry for what he's done. I don't know if I want him to stay or not, I just can't seem to get things straight in my head! I don't feel like talking to anyone in real life about it at the moment as I usually put on a front and people always think I cope well and I'm happy. Hope that all makes sense, think I'm just looking for some outside opinions really.

I would consider what he did to be cheating. His casual attitude towards it is chilling. I think there will be more (possibly closer to home) that you don't know about

You say you BOTH haven't put enough effort into your marriage and aren't very close any more. You don't know if you want him to stay or not, he says you could try and sort things out.

I suggest this marriage is probably dead in the water but if you can't get things straight, one of you should probably move out for a bit to enable some thinking time to see what you both want.

If you both aren't much if a couple than they way to fix that is to aim towards being more of a couple rather than becoming even less of a couple!

If either of you don't want to put some effort in to reconnecting then there's no hope.

On the other hand, if this has been a wake up call for you both and you both realise what you could lose, this could be the making of your marriage.

You both need to be entirely honest with one another, yes you have problems but do you want to solve them so you can be together as a partnership as friends and lovers, or are you just used to being together that it's easier to drift along.

Thank you for replying, I'm feeling a bit pathetic today! I'm a SAHM and I don't know how I'm going to cope on my own etc. I know it's bad but when he was saying it wasn't that bad I started to doubt myself. He would have to go as I need to look after the children, but he cut all his family off quite a while ago and he doesn't have many friends so he has no where to stay and I don't know how we would cope financially.

Yes I am wondering if we are just drifting along because that's easiest, he doesn't do much at home or with the children really, he actually said he feels like he only really lives our oldest child and finds it hard to bond with the other 2. He's at work a lot so I think it's quite easy to not spend time together.