Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Sometimes I feel like giving up on it all, seems like too much hard work!

23 replies

NotTheDoctor · 03/02/2014 08:51

My partner and I have had a roller coaster of a relationship, some amazing highs and some sickening lows. We have finally agreed to marry yet even that is plagued with worry and stress. DP is terrified of upsetting his kids (they're 18 and 16 so not babies) and when talking about announcing our engagement to them he said they might be upset that he's not getting back with their mother!!! I should bloody well hope they'd got that by now, we've been living together over a year!
So anyway, there's that. Now we have tons of expense coming up, dp insisted on booking festival tickets for June which need to be paid for by April, they cost £300. My 13 year old car is due it's MOT (I could tell you a million things wrong with it already so good luck with that one!), DP's car needs 4 new tyres ... like, weeks ago - both my children's birthdays are in February and we have a holiday booked for august which we still owe £1500 on. And then Christmas ....

And then next year we have a wedding to pay for (and a honeymoon if we ever get that far ) Now as I've said DP is constantly stressing about his kids, well his eldest in particular and will bend over backwards to make him happy, often at the detriment of everyone else. So - bearing in mind all our upcoming expense - his eldest has now secretely asked him to him a car stating that his mother is paying for the lessons and insurance and so we should be "Providing" the car. I only know this as I've stumbled across facebook messages between them, DP has not mentioned it to me. I just know that this is going to cause us a load of hassle and, despite the fact that we have 3 other kids to think about, DP will feel guilty if he doesn't "provide" the car and will resent the wedding cost (even though I'm trying to keep it as budget as possible!). Should also add that his kids are invited on our honeymoon - we decided to go away as a family to make sure everyone got a holiday out of it.

After reading those messages this morning, I feel like just packing up and leaving them to it. It shouldn't be this difficult. We can't even afford to replace our own falling to bits cars never mind "provide" him with a new one. The lad doesn't work and doesn't seem to grasp the concept of paying his own way.

I'm just fed up of what seems like a constant uphill struggle. The wedding is important to me yet if it was up to me I'd get married in the reg office and go to pub afterwards for drinks - but no, that would be too simple - complication is a must in our relationship argh!!!

OP posts:

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 08:57

Pardon? HIS kids (one of whom is an adult) are invited on your honeymoon to make sure everyone got a holiday out of it? Your future husband is keeping financial secrets from you (ie, buying his eldest a car)?

This has red flags all over the shop to me, I'm afraid. When children are young, absolutely they take priority. But at the ages they are now, and certainly with the eldest, I'm afraid it's time for them to learn the world does not revolve around them and they can't just get what they want by clicking their fingers at the bank of mum and dad.

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 08:59

Sorry, I would not continue a relationship with this man, never mind marry him

You must be crazy

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 03/02/2014 09:11

Why can't the son buy his own car? I'm not surprised your upset.

Original poster

NotTheDoctor · 03/02/2014 09:16

So glad it's not just me. To be fair DP has not (as far as I know) agreed to buy him a car (yet!) but it's funny ... last night he was really off with me and kept moaning about various things I was doing - couldn't understand what was up with him and now I realise he would have received that message off his son and that's probably what put him in a major strop with me - I'm the wicked witch coming in between him and his son. He's 18!! he should be working, at least part time. I never got a car bought for me and it was only a few weeks ago that my DS asked if he could have my car when he learnt to drive and DP said no you don't just get cars given to you, you get a job and earn it!!!
His eldest probably won't come on the holiday anyway unless we go somewhere he either chooses or approves of

OP posts:

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 09:20

OP, I did toy with using three little letters in my first reply but they get banded about too easily. Having now read your second posting, I'm using them.

LTB.

Seriously. This is a recipe for disaster.

maparole · 03/02/2014 10:22

He feels guilty about leaving his marriage and the kids are playing him.

I had years of this - three adult sons from my ex's first marriage treated like the Holy Trinity while his younger, still children, offspring (my own ds and a dsd with a different mother) and I constantly relegated to the substitutes bench.

Don't marry him!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/02/2014 10:29

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

There's enough red flags here to fulfil the demands of a Communist Party convention!.

I would not want to marry such a man at all frankly; there are far too many complications; his guilt at leaving their mother being just one of them. Therefore he has overcompensated with regards to his children.

Also your relationship seems to have perhaps really just thrived on drama from the get go with massive highs and deep lows throughout. That can be in itself addictive. This is not a healthy basis for a long term relationship either let alone marriage. Forget the wedding, what basis is there really here for a marriage?.

Jan45 · 03/02/2014 10:34

If I was you, I'd just stay living together, at least until his adult children can actually act like adults and your partner can put you first for a change. You will never win with someone with kids unless you can accept that you're probably going to disagree with how they are treated most of the time.

Original poster

NotTheDoctor · 03/02/2014 12:43

It's just so annoying. I'm sat here vigorously going through our finances, working out how we can afford this that and the other, working out how many extra hours I can work to be able to afford everything and in the background DSS is begging for a new car. Ok so dp hasn't agreed to it but no doubt I'll get the blame for wrecking their relationship or whatever. He was in a right mood with me last night, didn't think to mention it to me or even let me know that he'd asked - just took his predicament out on me anyway.

OP posts:

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 12:47

NotTheDr - so, YOU are going through your finances, working out what extra hours YOU can do to afford everything? What on earth is this bloke doing and bringing to the relationship? Oh, getting in a strop again.

Seriously? Do you want us to continue saying this is a BAD relationship that you should leave? Or do you need more of us coming on to tell you that?

Superworm · 03/02/2014 12:53

'Sometimes I feel like giving up on it all, feels like too much hard work!'

Think you've hit the nail on the head.

wyrdyBird · 03/02/2014 12:58

I can't believe you're still with this man, and have agreed to marry him.
Time to put yourself and your DC first.

Original poster

NotTheDoctor · 03/02/2014 13:00

He can't work any extra hours than he already does and he already earns double what I earn so it's not a question of him pulling his weight financially - it just seems to me that I'm the one left to budget for the important stuff, paying off the holiday, booking the weddings etc - all the while he's telling me he doesn't want to live like a pauper and spend all our time paying stuff off when we should be enjoying ourselves but if we all had that attitude, you'd never save for anything, every day would be living for the moment. All well and good if you're 18, free and single but we're not.

We both work full time and can't even afford to replace our cars yet his 18 year old thinks he should be "provided" (his words) with a new car despite never working a day in his life just because he wants one?!?

It makes me mad.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/02/2014 13:01

So you keep saying

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 13:02

"NotTheDr* - you continually post about how unhappy you are in this relationship, that he seems to get what he wants at your expense, and how unbalanced it is.

Are you here just to vent or do you want advice?

hedidit · 03/02/2014 15:21

As far as his kids are concerned then you knew going into the relationship that he has a prior responsibility to them which doesnt end when they are 18, your kids are always your kids. If I got into another relationship and my children had to lose out for it then the relationship wouldnt be worth it to me to continue.

The car I feel is fair.

Going on the honeymoon with you though, no, absolutely not, thats not right. Kids should never be on anyones honeymoon. Thats your time to be alone and make special memories x

MorrisZapp · 03/02/2014 15:28

He hasn't agreed to the car. So maybe cross that bridge when you get to it?

If you must stay with this man, at least postpone getting married until his kids are launched into adult life. Seems crazy to be worried about wedding costs when times are tight and you're living together anyway.

NotNewButNameChanged · 03/02/2014 15:29

Heddit just out of interest, why is the car fair? Are parents legally obliged to buy a car for their children? If so, can I sue my parents for the damage they inflicted on me by not doing so? And presumably the OP's OH will have to buy a car for the 16-yr-old in two years' time without discussing that with his then wife, if the OP is foolish enough to marry him?

Isetan · 04/02/2014 06:21

STOP FOCUSSING ON THE BLOODY CAR!

His son isn't the problem, his weak, selfish, ineffectual father is. Marriage won't suddenly make this man child grow up but you keep blaming his children because it's more palatable than admiting that you and him aren't on the same page.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/02/2014 07:04

Also its more palatable than admitting to yourself that this relationship is really dead in the water and that it has been for some considerable time.

forumdonkey · 04/02/2014 07:09

But you aren't buying just one car are you? You are going to be buying 4! You can't possibly even consider to buy one child a car and not buy the other 3 children one when they get to 18. I don't know how old your DC's are but from your post they are old enough to be thinking about driving and wanting your car. You must speak to your DP - there are 4 DC's not just 1.

I'd remind your DP of his words to your DC and postpone the wedding until you can afford it if finances are that tight.

Kaluki · 04/02/2014 12:52

I replied on your other thread in Step Parenting but having read this one too I think you should call a halt to everything.
Why are you paying out for all these luxuries - festival tickets, holidays etc when money is so tight? Is the holiday in August your honeymoon or is that another holiday?
Rein things in a bit. Sort out the finances WITH your DP. Together. Why are you shouldering all the burden and worry while he is merrily booking tickets and living the high life.
I can't see why you are considering working more hours to keep up with this extravagant lifestyle which your DP wants.
And if he is prepared to buy one child a car, then the 3 others should get one too when the time comes, including your dc.
But yes, in answer to your question I would say run. Very Fast.

Cabrinha · 04/02/2014 13:15

I doubt you "stumbled" on any messages. I've no issue with you going looking. But - think about whether you want to be with someone that you're checking up on.

I think you should LTB.

But if you stay, disengage financially. He wants festival tickets, so why are you stressing about paying for them? His problem.

Flip