My sister

[TalisaMaegyr]

Don't know where to start with this really.

My younger sister has fallen out with my mum. Again. I don't know whether to get involved or not, my mum is constantly upset, my sister is always having a go at her.

I live 200 miles away, and don't have much to do with my dsis really, I love her, but we're very different people.

But my poor mum. My dsis has some MH issues, and is also a bit fond of a drink, she's very volatile, and it's often my mum on the receiving end.

I had a call from my stepdad earlier, he very rarely calls me, but he's pissed off that my mum is being treated like this.

WWYD? Do I say something to her? I don't really have anything to lose, I hardly see her, but I don't want this to carry on. My mum's going into hospital in a week or so for breast reconstructive surgery, and I don't want this hanging over her.

Sorry this is so disjointed! It would take me an age to tell you all about my dsis, let's just say she's..... difficult.

How old is your sister?

Either way, your mum is an adult. You can't solve this for her, and soaking up her misery will be unhealthy for you. Trust me, I learned the hard way.

Hi op, although it must be frustrating, the best thing you can do, would be to not get involved as you then risk falling out with your sister too.

Although the ins & outs were completely different, i fell out with my sil because she meddled in me falling out with mil, when quite simply it wasn't her business or down to her to get involved in our fall out. Time & time again she couldn't leave things be, which unfortunetly ended up in me severing ties with sil aswell, which is a great shame.

My sister is 40, my mum's 65. My mum hasn't asked me to get involved, I just think she needs someone to have her back a bit - my sister can be very aggressive and horribly spiteful.

She would never ask me to say something, she's fairly feisty herself, but this is really getting to her lately. She's so worried about confronting the issue because she's worried dsis will stop her seeing dgc.

And that might happen, but you can't do anything either way.

If you have the emotional reserves, then listen to your mum and let her get things off her chest. But don't get involved is my advice.

Thanks Logg1e - I think you're probably completely right.

Let's see what others think. I'm aware that I'm coming from a background where this kind of thing was a real issue.

I would stay out of it. Policing other's feelings is what parents do with their children. Doing so with an adult would be crossing a boundary; it is disrespectful, degrading and would make your sister invisible to her own feelings/truth. Being treated that way is infuriating, from much experience.

If your stepdad is so bothered (and I get that he would be) with your sister, then he can talk to her.

Stay out their relationship, you are unlikely to come out unscathed.
But do reassure and support your mum as far as you feel able. She is probably feeling very vulnerable approaching her surgery. Just try to avoid commenting on anything your DSis may have said or done.

I would stick up for my mum if the other party was in the wrong. My mum is mid - sixties too and I will have her back if she needs me to.

Could you have a talk with your sis without (hopefully) escalating the situation?

That's what I was considering patience but I think it'd be the wrong thing to do, tbh - my sister doesn't really do non escalating!

AndTheBand - I don't want to police her feelings. But she is hurting my mum. Is it coming across like I'm the favourite? Because I'm really not, dsis is, ironically!

Me and my sis used to be really close when we were young and the dc were growing up. But over the years, things have changed. And I feel like my mum is vulnerable at the moment, and is too afraid to stick up for herself properly. My stepdad was very willing to speak to my sis, but he's under express instruction not to. So he called me instead so that he could rant.

It is difficult, Talisa.
I think you can be of use to your mother in helping her detox from your sister's emotionally abusive behavior...along the lines of validating for your mom that it is dsis (with the problem (if that is true)) and not her. (Similar to what previous posters have said).

Perhaps a word with dsis pertaining to communicating in a civil and respectful way...? That might be useful only if dsis has a sense of self-awareness and cares whether or not she hurts other people's feelings.

Did you feel that your stepdad's rant was just that, or was he implying that you do something?

I still feel it is not your battle though. You mom needs to set boundaries for herself...which will be hard regarding dsis using the children as leverage.

I hope your mom gets well soon.

Thanks AndTheBand - hopefully she'll be fine now, she's had a rough couple of years. But my sis doesn't make allowances for how anyone else is feeling, in fact, she has been worse with her since my mum got breast cancer.

Not really sure about my stepdad, I think he just wanted to get it off his chest, if he says that stuff to my mum, she naturally defends my dsis. The only thing I was contemplating was speaking to sis about how she speaks to people - but she won't ever admit that she's in the wrong, in her mind, she's always justified.

That sounds like my dsis, you have my sympathy. There isn't really anything you, or your mom, can do about her choice of behavior, imho. But you can choose how you will respond/cope with her by managing contact on your terms. I have had my enough is enough point (many times over ) and am now no contact with her.