Why does my Mum do this?

[Wishyouwould]

I separated from my abusive STBXH over a year ago. My Mum never had anything nice to say about him and often complained that he only ever spoke to her (and my Dad) when he was drunk.

His parents have completely cut me off since I decided to separate even though I had a good relationship with them both.

My Mum told me she had sent my ex a Happy Birthday text a couple of weeks ago and I questioned why she had done this. They never had a good relationship and she has actually heard him calling me names. He has been vile to me since we separated and she knows this.

He has just called at mine while my parents were round to pick our DC and my Mum went to the door after I'd answered it and started chatting to him on the doorstep asking how he is, what he's been up to etc. I am not saying she should blank him but I just don't get how and why she is suddenly being so friendly with him??

I know if I mention it to her it will just cause a row. Am I being over-sensitive?

Thanks you for reply.

We haven't had the easiest of relationships but she has been supportive of me ending my marriage and actually encouraged me to do so. The thing that bugs me is that she never had a nice word to say about him when we were married and actually laughed when he said he would miss my parents.

My Dad stayed in another room and didn't see my ex just as he knew he would, he is always loyal to me. I have no problem with my Mum saying hello but she was so over the top. I guess it also hurts because his parents have completely cut me off and taken his side when they know nothing of the circumstances.

No you are not being overly sensitive. My dad done this to me. I could never understand it.

I remember one day coming out of court and my old abusive twat, walking along with me and my dad with those two asking how each other were and joking and things.

It really boiled my piss to the point i told him. I got told i was going OTT.

I second the pp who said it would explain it if your mother was abusive. The only thing i could come up with was that my dad done it to get with me.

There was just no need for my Mum to go to the door. I had already answered it and the DC were getting ready to go. She could have easily just popped her head round the front room door to say hello but no she went down the hallway for a good old chat. Things are far from amicable with my ex and she knows this. If they had been close I could maybe understand it but I can't think of one good thing that she's ever said about him! Oh well I guess it's something else I'll just have to suck up

There's usually a reason why we end up with abusers. You mother is that reason. :(

The loves to see you 'down'.

This betrayal of you is to take away the support you should expect.

My dm was the same. More than once.

Shame on her. Shame on your dm too!

She not The.

And nop, you don't need to suck this - or anything - up.

I agree with Hissy.

What Hissy said.

Your mother does not have your back, and probably never did, even when you were a small child in her care.

Do you rely on her much for day to day things? You might want to consider how you can distance yourself from her, both in practical and in emotional terms. She does not have your best interests at heart.

She might be worried that by being horrible to him she would make things worse for you?

You've split - so the problems you had are to some extent behind you - so now its time to create a new 'normal'. It's natural for you to be hurting/angry but for her she might be glad you've come to a decision and now wants to make sure that the kids get to see their dad, you get your child support etc, and there is no profit in being shitty.

I do understand, though, my mum was conciliatory with my ex and it hurt at the time.

Yes I know Hissy is right. But if I call her on it she will just twist it and blame me. She has always been supportive on a practical level but never on an emotional one. I don't want to fall out so I'll just have to ignore. I know I will ALWAYS have my DDs back. I think the route of the problem is she has always been jealous of my relationship with my Dad but that's a whole other thread!!

But she didn't have to gush. She could just have been civil and nothing more.

Do you have a brother? I knew someone who was like this when it was clear she was going to lose the 'son she never had'. That's no excuse though and I agree with Hissy. Your mum should be on your side here, and isn't.

OP - I have exactly the same situation. My mother even used to tip of XH about family birthdays so he could send cards and win brownie points - even more galling when he couldn't remember his own kids' birthdays.

I have had nearly 4 years of this and now my sister has joined his fan club - inviting him and my mother for Xmas dinner and giving him presents from her children.

I have now washed my hands of the lot of them since the new year and feel much happier for it, Don't know if that would be best in your case, but I know what you're going through

Ah over-sensitive - the charge that is often levelled at children now adults of toxic parents. NO you are not being sensitive at all and I was not surprised to learn either that your own relationship with her has not been an easy one.

I would concur with Hissy; your rotten mother has seen a kindred spirit in your abusive ex.

And no, you do not have to suck it up so do not give that any headspace.

Boundaries re your mother need to be strengthened, they are far too low currently.

But if I call her on it she will just twist it and blame me…

Yes, that is what this type of person does. Does it mean you should let her carry on?

I don't want to fall out so I'll just have to ignore.

OR you could consider whether "falling out" with her really is that dreadful an outcome.

It's not. I mean, she's hardly your friend as it is. Practical support can be replaced. And you will be safeguarding your emotions a lot more by keeping her at an arm's length from your life.

No you are not being over sensitive. I am an ex mil of an EA ex son in law myself. He was very controlling with my DD and she was very unhappy with him especially last few years of their relationship. Now I always got on with him fine and my DD aside for a moment ' he has never done me any harm' and is a loving, hands on dad to my DGS (though yes yes l know - a good dad doesn't make a childs mum miserable etc) but in all interactions with his son l have seen he seems a doting dad. That is not to say I don't fully accept my DDs version of events or to undermine how much unhappiness he caused her.
So I am very civil to him and fully co-operate with helping out with 'handovers' of DGS whenever possible for both parties not just my DD. For example if l am driving near ex sils house when he is due to drive 5 miles to my DDs I will ask DD to ask him if it's easier if l pick DGS up when passing.

But I would never ever socialize with him or ring him for a chat or have a prolonged chat with him at the door etc as that would be disloyal to my DD imo and undermining her unhappiness and valid causes for disliking him.

I try and get a good balance i.e. he is and always will be my DGSs dad and l don't think me being 'off' with him will do my DGS any favours to witness that tbh as DGS loves both of us. But OTOH I am never going to be BFF with him because of how he treated my DD and out of loyalty to her.
My DD is fine with all this and fully understands. If I was like your mum with him OP she would be rightfully furious. I agree with those who say that some people attract abusers and go from frying pan to fire which is possibly what has happened to you. Maybe working on your assertiveness or getting help with this might lessen peoples tendency to treat you like this.

Just out of interest OP , what does your dad make of your mums 'chuminess' with your ex ? Could you mention it to him ? or does your mum wear the trousers and your dad wouldn't call her on it ?

ex sil = ex son in law obv.

Mellow I do have a brother. When he separated from his wife my Mum never spoke to her again!

Baby That must be incredibly hurtful and I understand why you have taken the decision to cut them off if only for your self-preservation!

Attila and Hot I have cut my Mum out of my life before. When we were going through IVF and she was constantly gushing about other peoples babies I gave her an extremely wide berth. Again I was being over-sensitive. There have been numerous occasions when I have wanted cut contact but that means cutting contact with my Dad too so it's a no-brainer for me.

Thank you Bah you way you have dealt with things is exactly how I would have liked my Mum to be.

What makes her behaviour even more bizarre is that she has told me if she ever runs into my ex-in-laws she would read them the riot act for cutting me dead but yet she chooses to be chummy with the very person who abused me.

I know my Dad was annoyed with her for sending the text. She was originally going to send a card until my Dad had his say and told her it was totally inappropriate. I think my Dad would also be unhappy with how she was with my ex today but probably wouldn't want to make a big issue out of it.

I think my Dad would also be unhappy with how she was with my ex today but probably wouldn't want to make a big issue out of it.

So he hasn't got your back much either, tbf.

Why do you think that neither you nor your Dad are willing to make an "issue" of unacceptable behaviour? Is it so bad to stand up to it, just because the other person makes a scene and tries to throw it back on you?

You stood up to your abusive ex-h in the end, by leaving him. Why does your mother get a free pass, do you think?

Actually in hindsight Hot my Dad probably would call her on it. I was there when she mentioned sending my ex a birthday card and my Dad was pretty angry about her even suggesting it. She seemed astonished that we had a problem with it! Didn't stop her sending a text though.

I've had many fall-outs with her in the past, we make up but nothing really ever changes. She had a terrible relationship with her mother (extremely close to her Dad too which is pretty ironic) so I've tried to break the cycle maybe that's why I let things go.

Thank you - I do my best and in a way my policy of being helpful and co-operative with him diversely helps my daughter more than if l refused to have anything to do with him. For one she would have to see more of him at handovers , which she hates so although it is my ex son-il I am saving a trip and time and petrol etc. it is equally a huge favour to my DD. Also my DGS undoubtedly feels,more secure the more people in his life are acting 'business as usual' around each other , l would imagine though l am no psychologist. Also I always think it best (welfare/child safety issues excepted obviously) to let children make up their own minds about their family members whatever has gone on between the adults rather than be used as pawns and/or be influenced by one party badmouthing the other , to take sides.
Glad your dad does at least defend you to your mum , I think you need to start seeing it as your mums problem really and not yours , you sound lovely.

I can relate to this. My XH was an abusive alcoholic and yet my parents are all sweetness and light with him. It does my head in but I don't say anything because I just can't be arsed, complete apathy on my part

I can almost understand it when it is the dads parents (when DCs are involved) and the woman has behaved badly to their son because it is well documented that the dads parents often lose contact with their DGCs so understandably want to keep in their ex dils 'good books'. But otherwise I just don't understand this disloyalty or maybe it's just two-facedness. Some people hate conflict no matter how badly someone has treated their family member and will just take course of least resistance.