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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Level of contact with abusive stbxh

6 replies

creativevoid · 02/02/2014 17:43

I've posted on here before about my H, who has been emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive. I thought I could manage living in the same house with him, mediation, etc. for the sake of our two boys but, as predicted by many of you, I was dead wrong. 2 weeks ago he threw a heavy toy and hit me in the face, leaving a bump on my forehead. He was arrested but the charges were dropped. He is now out of the house which is a huge relief. My question is about how to deal with contact regarding logistics for our dss. I stupidly have allowed him do pick up and drop off at the house (with friend as intermediary and me hiding in another room). The contact via lawyers and friend has turned into direct contact via text and email. Last night he rang to talk to dss. I sent a text saying they weren't available. He texted back asking when they would be, I said i didn't know, maybe 7, and I would text when they could talk. At 7 he rang but the boys weren't ready so I killed it. He rang back immediately 2 further times until I texted him and said they would call when they were free. When I got home that night there was a email from him telling me how disappointed he was that we couldn't tell the boys about our split together, that he'd told them himself (I'd already spoken to them, of course) and went on at length about what he'd told them. I haven't responded, but I don't want to receive these emails. I feel he maneuvers me into a position where if I don't engage I look like I'm not acting in the best interests of the children. I've raised it with my lawyer but could use some practical advice. Any contact at all makes me stressed and anxious.

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/02/2014 18:27

Just curious, but why were the charges dropped?

If contact makes you stressed and anxious, then make all contact through the solicitors again, and stick to it. Prearrange phone calls to the boys, so that you know when he's calling and can plan around it and have the boys pick up the phone. Don't respond to texts, other than with a blanket "please direct any contact through the solicitor, thank you." After about 6-7 responses like that, he'll figure it out.

He's disappointed that you couldn't tell the boys together? He can have three words for that. Get. Over. It.

creativevoid · 02/02/2014 19:18

He said it was a silly accident. I know him too well and thought it was a strange coincidence that from 10 feet away, with me sitting and not moving, as he "tossed" the toy on the bed it happened to hit me square in the forehead, leaving a painful bump. He was charged by the police with domestic assault but the sheriff just let him go, I don't know why. He of course sees it as a complete exoneration.

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/02/2014 19:21

If it was only 2 weeks ago, you can still contact the supervisor at the police and ask for a clarification. And speak to their domestic violence unit, as they can provide some advice as well regarding that particular incident.

RandomMess · 02/02/2014 19:26

Hmm do not engage with him at all.

Arranged regular fixed contact with him and do not engage beyond handovers.

I would strongly recommend getting a new mobile number so you only have your old number available whilst the boys are with him.

Lweji · 02/02/2014 19:31

You will have to set specific days and times in advance for contact and stick to them.
Contact will have to be through solicitors for any changes.

Depending on your e-mail account, you could mark his address as spam, or to be deleted automatically, or moved to a specific folder. My exH's mail goes to a separate folder that I can't see when I log in, so that I just check it when I'm in a good place. But you wouldn't have to open it at all. You could also automatically forward it to a friend, or solicitor, for them to read it instead of you.

And never, ever, answer phone calls. He'll soon realise there's no point in calling.

Sparklysilversequins · 03/02/2014 19:08

He's trying to suck you back in. If you are "friends" then there is no way he's a violent, nasty twat is there. It's called hoovering.

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