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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

advice please!

9 replies

ThatLightbulbMoment · 02/02/2014 17:43

My stbxh called me up today after 3 weeks of silence to arrange to see the children. He wants me to take them into the town centre after school tomorrow to which I said no as I haven't got the money to get a bus, but I did offer for him to come to our house to see them. He apparently can't afford to do that, and so has said he wil "maybe see them next week".

He says that somebody told him (but won't say who) that I have replaced him with the children and am forcing them to call my new partner dad. I am not doing this, the children DO call him dad, but this has absolutely not been encouraged by me or dp- he children have decided themselves despite me calling him by his first name that he is their new dad. I think this is probably to do with their attachment to dp, he is nice to them when their dad was abusive.

I am at a loss- the children aren't interested in seeing their dad but I feel they are too young to make that decision (though to be fairly honest I would be delighted if he never saw them again after the way we were all treated) and I am not going to stop him from seeing them as is his right. But he barely bothers, it can be weeks between meetings and there is honestly no reason for him to not have the time- he works part time at night and could see them during the day and at weekends. I have told him repeatedly that he can see them every day if he wants, as long as I am not expected to take them to him all the time as I don't see why I should run around after him.

I am getting very frustrated, I have tried very hard to be civil wih him, but I am getting to the point that every time I speak to him I want to scream. How do I get past this? Any coping with arsehole strategies will be gratefully received! Sad

OP posts:
ThatLightbulbMoment · 02/02/2014 17:59

Anyone? I could really use someone impartial to talk to..

OP posts:
DoNotTellDH · 02/02/2014 18:02

Stop speaking to him?

Insist on arranging contact by email only or text?

ThatLightbulbMoment · 02/02/2014 18:25

I could do that I suppose, but I'm not sure if it would help the situation. He isn't being nasty or anything, I just want to rip his head off. He doesn't bother with the kids and doesn't pay for them and then expects me to drop everything and take them to him. It just stresses me out speaking to hin, I feel like saying "you don't deserve to see the kids you twat, you're a terrible father and you don't care about them" but what good would it do? Either way he has a right to see them and its not up to me to stop him.

I think stopping spoken contact between us might just aggravate him, and I don't want that.

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DoNotTellDH · 02/02/2014 18:26

Tell him needs to sort out fixed contact so the dc know where they stand? At least you know when you need to make them available for contact even if he doesn't turn up?

ThatLightbulbMoment · 02/02/2014 18:33

Yes that could work, though I have said similar to him before and he said all the right things but never made an arrangement.

It saddens me that he doesn't seem to care about my beautiful babies. The youngest doesnt even know who he is, he has had that little contact with her. The eldest is autistic and doesn't like seeing him but obviously since he is only little I say he has to see his dad. Its definitely confusing for them though, he sees them, they have a great time as he takes them out places that I cant and then disappears for weeks.

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AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/02/2014 19:18

Rather than allowing him to call the shots on this, why don't you arrange regular visitation times, and if he misses, he misses. Then just document it all. If he later drags you back into court, you can show them the documentation - "see? he had plenty of visitation times set up, but never bothered to attend." And if he demands to see them at different times, tell him no.

ThatLightbulbMoment · 02/02/2014 19:46

I already document when he sees them- the last time was the 13th of jan for 6 hours, then before that it was boxing day for 3 (though he didn't have them himself, him and his dp went to his mums for a meal and the dc were there to visit her) and before that was for less than an hour on dd1s birthday on 23rd dec but before that was dd2s birthday on 16th november for again less than an hour and he didn't come for ds birthday on the 1st november.

I've tried to be reasonable, I'm sick of it! All I want is for the kids to be happy, and they will not be unhappy if he disappears, but if he carries on popping in and out it wil only upset them, especially ds who has ASD.

I am going to try to get him to agree to set times but he is likely to say that won't work for him because of his job (ridiculous he works 16 hours on set days and times but he has used his job as an excuse before).

I don't want to do it legally though if that makes sense, don't want a legal document that I have to adhere to as it isn't always possible for me to get ds out of he house if he doesn't want to. I will be going back to work soon too, and I work in a demanding job that can involve long hours and odd shift patterns which may mean I can't drop them off or pick them up. And no doub he would be an arse if I couldn't make it!

OP posts:
AliceinWinterWonderland · 02/02/2014 19:48

You have a right to be able to schedule his visitation. If he doesn't want to cooperate, that's HIS problem.

ThatLightbulbMoment · 02/02/2014 20:31

I will ask him the next time I speak to him to make a firm recurrent arrangement and see what he says. I'm getting stressed with the whole situation now

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