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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do I find it so hard to end it?

17 replies

Julep · 02/02/2014 14:45

I've been with my DP nearly a year. I'm 29, he's 32. No kids, don't live together.

We have fun, I fancy him, we laugh etc. But I'm not in love with with. I think I love him, but in that way you will if you spend this much time together.

I know I should just walk away. I've tried to a couple of times but have always taken him back after a couple of weeks. The problem is I have no reason to leave apart from the fact that he doesn't make my heart sing.

But I know I'm just storing up heartache in the long-term. I don't feel like a team with him. I can't imagine us being a family. And I would like that with someone, one day. And that's not going to happen while I'm with him. But I worry that it's not going to happen anyway, I know very, very few single men.

I know the sensible thing to do is to leave. And if I'm bored and lonely until I meet someone so be it. I know this but I cannot seem to do the sensible thing and just walk away. Part of me thinks that's because I think the sensible thing is just to settle. He makes me feel guilty, he's always telling me how much he loves me and wanting to make plans for the future.

I feel like one of those awful boyfriends you read about on here where people end up screaming at the OP "he just doesn't want to marry/have kids/move in with you".

OP posts:

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 02/02/2014 14:50

The problem is I have no reason to leave apart from the fact that he doesn't make my heart sing
Don't be fooled into thinking relationships should only end if something drastic happens, like infidelity or violence. You have the right to end any relationship at any point, for whatever reason.
Part of me thinks that's because I think the sensible thing is just to settle. He makes me feel guilty, he's always telling me how much he loves me and wanting to make plans for the future.
It wouldn't be sensible. You'd both end up very unhappy and resentful. And the fact he's still going on about future plans means he's either not grasped the fact you want out, or he's doing the equivalent of clapping his hands over his ears and "la la la-ing."
You're going to have a spell it out clearly then be firm about no contact. Also, in fairness to him, it's going to be hard on him if you break up with him but still contact him.

Original poster

Julep · 02/02/2014 15:00

or he's doing the equivalent of clapping his hands over his ears and "la la la-ing."

I think it's this. He seems to think it's like having PMT or a bad day at work.

To be fair I can also see that I'm awful about sending mixed messages. Because I fundamentally like him I just keep bouncing back.

OP posts:

JonSnowKnowsNothing · 02/02/2014 15:01

Fair enough for acknowledging that. If he is a good guy, you owe it to him to break up properly because he's probably in a rotten place right now.

buttonortwo · 02/02/2014 15:08

You find it hard because it is hard to admit it yourself, you feel guilty, responsible.. The future is unknown and it's hard to face that time on your own and worry if you'll meet someone else. He is nice , but don't settle, both of you deserve someone right for you.. What are you going to do?

Original poster

Julep · 02/02/2014 15:11

What are you going to do?

Honestly? Probably keep my head in the sand. But that's not what I want to do.

OP posts:

Sausagesaurus · 02/02/2014 15:16

If you don't want to do it for yourself, you should do it for him. It's not fair stringing someone along, you both deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

tipsytrifle · 02/02/2014 15:16

My advice would be to let him go ... you'll actually be free-ing both of you. Last time I tried to settle, on the basis of some very mixed messages from me at the start, the whole thing got quite abusive.

It's weird when someone isn't actually "wrong" for you but also isn't "right" either. Been there too. There's no fault, it is as it is ... and it isn't right for either of you ... guess what ... best to let go ... in my opinion

Original poster

Julep · 02/02/2014 15:22

But this is the problem, my head knows all this, I just can't translate it into action!

OP posts:

buttonortwo · 02/02/2014 15:29

Julep, it IS hard.. Please don't bury head in sand, not for too long anyway.. I did this and you'll end up hurt as we'll, got abusive too..
You head knows it and you CAN translate into action, however it requires effort and for you to be ready... Coming on here for advice is you now starting to face it I think? .. When are you seeing him next?

Original poster

Julep · 02/02/2014 15:35

We don't have firm plans yet but we normally see each other a night or two in the week and then at weekends, although I actually have a lot on for the next week (hence we're playing it by ear).

I think it's the looming knowledge of Valentine's Day. I know he'll want to make it "special" and I think I'll feel like a fraud.

I'm sorry that a similar scenario has turned abusive for two of you. Why is this such a risk factor?

you both deserve to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them.

It's interesting you say this. Last time, when he asked what I wanted, a mean part of me wanted to say "to feel about someone the way you claim to feel about me". At times I actually feel jealous of him!

OP posts:

buttonortwo · 02/02/2014 15:42

Re valentines.. Don't put yourself through it, it's also not fair on him.. I guess it equates to stringing him along, hard to face it, but that's what it is I think?
With me ex would not accept it was over, became v anxious, out of control and I felt the need to help him for a while, threatened suicide blah blah..
It's one sided here, by staying with him you are denying yourself the opportunity to feel that way about someone.....

Original poster

Julep · 02/02/2014 15:47

I guess I never thought that you could string men along, at least not ones who are happy being overgrown teenagers forever. When I say he talks about the future it feels like it's in terms of me being his girlfriend for ever, not babies etc.

OP posts:

buttonortwo · 02/02/2014 16:00

Can you imagine having babies with him?
You obviously will care and have feelings for him, you've spent the last year together, perhaps it's run it course, you'll know in your heart what you want...

Original poster

Julep · 02/02/2014 16:06

Not really, I can imagine him being a very good father, but I just can't imagine planning to have kids with him. Something is in the way.

OP posts:

buttonortwo · 04/02/2014 08:35

how is it going Julep? any progress?

Original poster

Julep · 17/02/2014 21:25

I ended it.

I worry that I've been stupid and squandered someone good, but mainly I feel that it was the right decision and hope it works out for the best.

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 18/02/2014 06:20

I missed your thread the first time round.

I do think you've made the right choice. I think there's one thing I've learned from reading similar threads on here and that is, if you're not sure about a relationship, look at it from the other person's perspective.

He didn't make your heart sing, he deserved to be with someone he does that too. He deserves to be with someone who loves him and is in love with him.

FWIW, you made the right decision. I've realised that I wasn't 'in love' with my husband, but we were best friends, I loved him, and I thought that would be enough. But it never is.

Even if you never meet another single man for as long as you live (which, let's face it, is unlikely) it still doesn't make it right to stay with someone you aren't in love with, if that's how if feels about you and what you want to feel about someone else.

You've made the right decision. Good luck for the future.

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