Discussing tough topics when you don't normally talk!

[laughingeyes2013]

My husband and I have the sort of relationship where discussions of any sort are quite hard to come by.

We have 2 noisy, busy little children aged 3 and under, so the house is hectic and demands and interruptions are all too frequent.

So to discuss anything, even normal everyday stuff, is hard to manage. I listen to him when he talks but he doesn't usually afford me the same grace, which results in me appearing demanding and high maintenance when I say how I feel honestly.

I am struggling with living with someone who never talks to me! I am such a sociable person, I know in a relationship you can't expect one person to be your everything, but I also do believe that communication is a bit like trust, its a vital part of a healthy, strong relationship.

I've just broached the subject because once again, I was chatting about a newspaper article and got absolutely no reply. When I highlighted this, I was told he was deep in his own thoughts and that they were much more important than the newspaper article. Apparently he had been thinking about what we will teach our children about deep issues in life, such as religion, because we have different viewpoints on the subject.

I told him that I think he will always view his thoughts as a priority over anything I say, and the reason I think this is because he acts that way all the time.

The trouble I have is that I have a really deep issue I need to discuss with someone and the person I would normally turn to has just had a baby and is struggling with sleepless nights, and so I don't want to add to their already difficult burden.

I mentioned this, and my husband said he thinks I should talk to him about it. But I don't feel able to do this, because if I can't talk about the little things, how on earth can I confide in the big ones?

My husband says that in the evenings he is too tired to talk to anyone. This isn't strictly true because he manages to find the energy with other people when we are socialising with friends. I know we all make special efforts outside of the home sometimes but when it is 100% that way it doesn't seem healthy. And as I said further up the thread, talking over screaming kids during the day hours is never really going to work. We have very little access to babysitters so it seems a shame to 'waste' a birthday night out on deep and meaningful discussions when its more appropriate for the occasion to have some fun together!

He thinks this is unreasonable and all about me controlling things. But I think it's to be expected. Am I wrong about this? If so, what can I do. And actually, speaking of what I can do, is my only option here to pay a counsellor to talk through my problem?

You should be able to talk to your husband about anything & he should make time for you, that's how close loving relationships work. I'm so sorry you feel your husband isn't there for you, would it help to discuss what's on your mind here?

OP you're not being unreasonable at all. Relationships are about respecting people's need for space, but they are even more so about communicating about the big and small things. Did you talk before you had kids?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Its not you, its him.

I do not like the sound of your H at all; he seems also to be all sweetness and light to the outside world but behind closed doors he behaves differently. That is the modus operandi of emotionally abusive men. I also think he's always been like this as well.

I think he is projecting his issues onto you; HE is the one being unreasonable and controlling things. It sounds like in your house you have no say and are also unimportant to him. (BTW are his parents similar in nature?). As long as his needs are being met, that to him is all that matters.

Re this comment:-
"I told him that I think he will always view his thoughts as a priority over anything I say, and the reason I think this is because he acts that way all the time".

How did he react to that from you?

Re religion, surely this was discussed before you married or did he ignore you then as well?.

He's too tired to talk to you in the evenings; what kind of rubbish excuse from him is that?. And why have you put up with it at all?. That is something you need to ask yourself too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here; surely not this poor role model of one?.

Would you want to elucidate more about your problem here on MN?.

The issue is to do with past abuse (he knows some of the story) and so it really hard to even find the words to start the subject, and is struggle with someone who is interested in talking to me; much less someone who clearly isn't.

But I suppose I'm looking for validation that I'm being reasonable, and for some sort of help to put into words why this is an expected and normal response, rather than the behaviour of a controlling hard to please wife who doesn't understand her husbands pressures!

His Dad was the same with his Mum I gather.

We used to talk a lot when we first met so I know he is capable.

Of course you're being reasonable, there's no question there.
Would you like to talk more about your past on here?
you'll get so much help & support.

Re your comments that I have put in quote marks:-

"The issue is to do with past abuse (he knows some of the story) and so
it really hard to even find the words to start the subject, and is struggle with someone who is interested in talking to me; much less someone who clearly isn't"

He is not interested in you full stop, your problems are yours to deal with as far as he is concerned. This bloke uses tiredness as an excuse not to talk to you in the evenings!. Your opinion to him is worthless.

NAPAC are an charitable organisation used to dealing with children now adults who experienced abuse in childhood regardless of type/s suffered.

"But I suppose I'm looking for validation that I'm being reasonable, and for some sort of help to put into words why this is an expected and normal response, rather than the behaviour of a controlling hard to please wife who doesn't understand her husbands pressures!"

Again I would reiterate that you are being reasonable and have been reasonable throughout. Its not you - its him. You've already tried to show him that you are reasonable and he's not listening. He will not listen either.

"His Dad was the same with his Mum I gather".
Well there you go, I am not at all surprised. He's learnt all this crap from his dad; we learn after all about relationships first and foremost from our parents. That's what his taught him and you are now getting the fallout from same. Your H will not change. You cannot change someone else's behaviours.

Do you want your children to learn the same crap as he was taught?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, look closely at what your children are being taught about relationships here.

You get nothing out of this relationship with him do you. I assume that because you did not answer the question posed.