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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to support my friend...

0 replies

PaperBagPrincess · 02/02/2014 12:05

She has been with her H for 6 yrs, married 4. She has a 15 yr old DD from a previous relationship (biological father not involved, calls her stepdad 'Dad'), and two toddlers with her H.

The bastard has cheated on her for the past year or so, and it is devastating her and ruining her mental health. I am so worried for her Sad.

Depressingly familiar story - about a year ago he started 'staying late at work' and coming home smelling of alcohol and then one night, perfume. She went through his phone and lo and behold, found explicit text messages between her H and another woman. He denied an affair, said the OW was a crazy ex who was still in love with him, stalking him etc....a total load of codswallop, basically.

For several months after that, she was calling me up crying whenever he went out late, saying she felt he was with the OW. She would confront him at times, but he always made out she was crazy and possessive. It was such an unhealthy pattern, and I tried to say many times to her, in a gentle way, that I thought he was behaving very badly and she didnt have to put up with this treatment.

Eventually, she found out through again snopping on his phone that a 'business trip' he was going on was actually a holiday away with this woman. They live in a modest flat and money is tight, yet he was going on a 5-star holiday with his OW! She confronted him on the morning he was leaving, and he admitted everything...but left and went away anyway! The whole time he was away she was absolutely stricken. I thought she was having a breakdown. He refused to communicate with her while he was abroad, other than a couple of texts asking after the kids. Eventually, she decided to pack her stuff and bring the kids with her to stay with a relative. I thought she was finally coming to her senses. However, as soon as he was off the plane, he came straight round and begged her back - the OW meant nothing, it was a mistake, he loved her and the kids etc etc. The usual.

Since then, it has become worse and worse. The OW contacted her over the summer to tell her she was pregnant and that my friends H was refusing to acknowledge it was his. He persuaded my friend it was a pack of lies, but who knows? Apparently he said the wiman had an abortion eventually, admitting that she WAS pregnant, but saying it wasnt his. Such deceitful and weird behaviour.

Then he began seeing her again (!!) in the autumn. Again, my friend found texts between them and eventually confronted them both on a secret tryst at a bar. The OW told her that she had been seeing him on and off for 20 years and he did not deny it. My friend once again left him, taking the kids (her teenage daughter is by now really affected by this), only to go back after a few days.

I am distraught, to be honest. I know she is a grown woman and capable of making her own decisions, but I have literally seen my strong, independent, feisty and funny friend wither into a paranoid, emotional wreck before my eyes. I am at my wit's end with supporting her through these crises with him, yet I feel I cannot turn my back in a true friend, someone I count as a sister. Somehow she has got herself completely in the thrall of this arsehole. He says he has cut the OW off completely, btw, but my friend recently discovered she has lent him 10,000 pounds for a business venture.

WWYD?

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