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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

(How) can we fix it?

8 replies

notthegruffalo · 02/02/2014 10:08

I love DH. We have been together 12 years, and have a 6 month old son. My DH is kind, generous and funny. Before I got pregnant, I never imagined anything could come between us - we've been through a lot together, and always been strong and deeply in love.

But since I got pregnant, we've been bickering and arguing and snapping at each other. We've only had sex once since DS was born (it was horrible). I'd like more intimacy but DS is a bad sleeper and I am always so tired. Every time we touch or are a bit intimate DH wants full sex and I just can't face it.

We've had money worries, health problems and have moved to a new town, as well as having a baby, so obviously things have been difficult. Now DH's business has gone bust, we're fighting off bankruptcy and the future looks very uncertain. I have had to go back to work quicker and more full time than I would have liked, and I am finding the transition really difficult.

I can't tell whether I'm just tired, exhausted of all the change and wishing things were different, or whether my feelings towards DH have changed. I can't help feeling a bit disappointed in how our family life has turned out - I've had to take all the responsibility for getting things done (I organised the whole house move when DS was a few days old, I have had to take control of all our finances, in general I run the household.) I don't think DH understands the bond I feel with DS - not the need I have to care for him at home, nor the difficulties I have suddenly having to leave him to go back to work.

At the same time I know DH is generous and kind, and trying to do everything he can. He is doing lots of childcare and being very nice to me. But I somehow don't feel the same as I used to about him. It's like I've lost some respect for him. But I know I couldn't live without him. And I also think he deserves to be loved unconditionally - why can't I do that? Should we go to counselling? I desperately want to make things right again. Will things get better as DS grows up?

OP posts:
StarSwirl92 · 02/02/2014 12:05

Maybe both of you should try counselling, your baby is very young and I'm not surprised you feel you need to be around him. Being rushed back into work and all the other stresses can put enormous pressure on relationships, maybe you just need to feel better in yourself?

StarSwirl92 · 02/02/2014 12:06

Oh and belated congratulations for you and your son. Smile

EirikurNoromaour · 02/02/2014 13:27

Nobody 'deserves' to be loved unconditionally by a partner. People can behave in ways that test the love and even break it. I think you need to talk to him about this.

LauraBridges · 02/02/2014 13:42

It sounds like he can cope with you being the main breadwinner but you can't. Perhaps you just need to go on the feminism threads more. Also if he is almost bankrupt and you work why on earth is he not organising the home, washing, cooking, cleaning etc?

notthegruffalo · 02/02/2014 13:52

Thank you for the replies. DH wants to earn money, and to get back on his feet. And he didn't intend for everything to go tits up like this, so the solution should be for us to pull together and pool resources. But I think deep down I want him to support and protect me, which just seems so deeply unfair - why should he have to do that just because he's a man? Shouldn't I be able to take on the responsibility when he needs help?

The housework/ household thing is an ongoing issue. DH thinks I have unreasonably high standards and that I worry too much about things. But I feel like we live in a mess, I do the bare minimum, and the only reason DH gets to 'not worry' about things is because I am taking charge of everything.

Recently we got in trouble with a debt collector because I lost loads of paperwork in the move and was burying my head in the sand. It's so out of character for me - I've never paid a bill late. I feel like everything is going out of control. But DH has always been like this - so why should he change now? I want to love him like I used to love him. And I want him to love me, but I feel like he's just tolerating me.

Perhaps we just have to keep pretending in the hope that things will sort themselves out over time? I'm worried that if I suggest we go to counselling then I will be creating a problem.

OP posts:
EirikurNoromaour · 02/02/2014 15:08

'I want to love him like I used to love him'
You used to love him and taking care of him was part of that. Now you have a child who genuinely needs looking after and unconditional love and you do t have enough left to love your DH in the same way. It's very common with very capable women who didn't even realise how much they carried their partner before a baby shines a bright light on it all.
You need to spell it out. Then it's up to him whether he steps up or not. If he doesn't - time to reevaluate.

JuliaScurr · 02/02/2014 15:20

blimey - new baby, house move, near bankruptcy Shock

no wonder you're both stressed

counselling is a good idea to support you through this period of high pressure

notthegruffalo · 02/02/2014 18:05

Sorry, I have been sleeping while Dh took the baby out.

erikur I think you're right on the money - I feel like I don't have anything left for Dh after looking after ds all the time.

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