my dh left me a month ago, possibly coming home, anyone experienced this good/bad

[canttypefortears]

Sorry being a bit greedy as I have another thread running.

Backstory goes....DH of 15 years tells me he does not love me anymore on christmas day.for me there was NO warning we were rock solid, at least I thought. He stays for two weeks then leaves me and the kids
without explanation/or good reason. He stayed with a mate for one night but has been sleeping on monster in laws sofa for the past 3 weeks. It took me 2 weeks to drag an address out of him (his mum had just moved, I only knew the town name).

He then goes NC, phone not answered, off, straight to voicemail, no text replied. I panic he has done something stupid. Eventually he contacts me and accuses me of stalking him and madness!

He spent the first week away getting drunk, the second angry at me? And the third calm.

He had scared me with his suggestion of divorce we went straight into mediation.He was calm again in this meeting, I was bewildered.

Since the mediation he has been back round a few times and he got talking of what he is losing and the realisation of his actions. This had been the first occasion weve had the chance since the split without the kids around. I saw glimpses of my DH again for the first time since his revelation.

It has dawned on him what he is losing and the damage it has caused. I have always told him the doors open. He is having a crisis of sorts, feeling life is going in circles as if each day is groundhog day!Any little problems we had have built up in him until he imploded.

He is finally saying he may come home but that it should be for the right reason, his commitment to me. I know his right. Im now left in limbo as hes got to clear his head. Of course I want him back.

Has anybody got any experience if things can go good (or bad) after a situation like this?

My husband and I were close before all this, no ow,despite everything we are still really friendly.

Help I want it to work!

Unconditional love, you love them no matter what, however they have treated you? (As long as it wasnt an ow!). Not only a parent-child love.

I'm sorry, but unconditional love for a spouse doesn't mean a good marriage. It means an abuser's charter. And no child on this earth should have unconditional love for a parent - the obligation flows in the other direction only.

A spouse who treats you like crap is not deserving of unconditional love. And I do wonder sometimes if offering it isn't an indication that the person concerned just doesn't think they deserve to make the love they offer conditional. You do.

It concerns me that all the sadness and anxiety for this to work is on your side - what exactly did you do, that you owe him that level of needs/wants servicing?

So you are actually going to sit there and wait for him to decide if he loves you or not?

And if he says he does, then you are ok with that and will take it from there?

That isn't being too nice. That is being a doormat.

I'm surprised that your post doesn't consider the impact to your dc of the fact that he 'might' come back and if he 'might' do it, the fact that he 'might' then do a runner again at the first sign of trouble - particularly since it seems to have been an effective technique in bringing you to heel. You're the one telling him the door's always open, making it easy for him to keep you on the hook whilst he does god knows what. If he actually does come back you will be terrified of doing or saying something that might make him leave again.

Meanwhile your children need to know two things: that both their parents love them unconditionally (which I am sure you do) and that their parents are doing their best to give them stability. Stability is not the same as the two of you in a shaky alliance in the same house.

Personally I would tell him you want a trial separation of six months. At which time you can both review the health of the marriage and your commitment to it. It means the children know that there is a definite plan, and he gets to realise that actions have consequences. Six months will give you a chance to really get to know yourself and what you want, which might be him or it might not be. It means you will stop operating out of fear.

So he told you, ruined your Christmas, then took 2 weeks to leave then went NC?

What a prize he is. I won't even go into the not bothering to let his children know he was alive territory. He has showed not the tiniest jot of consideration for your feelings, not at all. And I agree with other posters who mention what a useful control technique to have over you if you allow him back. Every time he wants to go for a drink with the lads, every time he fancies a lie in it'll be ' I'm feeling like I did last time, you can't say no or I'll disappear like I did before and it'll be your fault because I told you it would happen and you still said no'.

The ow is not important to me in this, what's important is that once he is away from the family home then you don't exist and are not worthy of consideration . Accusing you of stalking him ffs. I'm also interested in the 2 weeks after he told you but before he moved out. How did he behave then?

I agree with others who have said a trial separation. Firstly it will let him know that you're not sobbing every night waiting for him. Secondly it will give you some space to think and i don't mean this unkindly, but to get back some self respect and reflect in what a dick he's been.

I have no experience as if my dp treated me in this way, I would not have him back.

It will only work if you have complete honesty between you. At the moment all I hear is a desperate woman saying you'll accept any pain he gives you rather than he leaves.

I think you've become so fixated on the idea of losing him as 'the worst thing in the world' that you can't see any other type of pain. There are thousands of men and women who will testify that staying together can be far more painful than splitting. Open your eyes. This is very painful. Very. Having him back is not going to stop that pain.

You need to find out why...no actually he needs to find out and talk to you.

Hi OP

Have read your thread with interest. You sound like I did a few years ago. In my head if he would just come back to us then I could breath a huge sigh of relief, we could work through things and I could get bd n the future that I thought we'd have.my every waking moment was spent reading into what he'd said ... Hoping that when he said this/that that it meant he was considering getting back with me. He had so much power when I look back!

Anyway in answer to your question.. He said all the things your DH seems to be saying. He decided he wanted to come back which I was over the moon about. I didn't let him move back in even though I was desperate for it to work as something told me to hold off and see if his intentions were honourable as DD was already very confused and I couldn't bear the thought if him coming back and leaving again. We started 'dating' lots of very honest conversations , realisations, declarations etc . Just at the point where he was due to move back in he seemed to withdraw , have doubts..blame me (!) for making him feel like an outsider for not welcoming him back in with open arms straight away.

Anyway this happened 4 times in 2 years. I have since found out he was dithering around all these times as he was to-ing and fro-ing between me and the OW. I gave him all the power to do exactly as he pleased despite all the wonderful advice I received on here.

It sadly seem to be part of the script if
you read people's posts on here.

My advice would be

Do not let him move back in

Assume there is an OW ( I'm not just basing this on my experience. He is displaying all of the characteristics that people do when there is one. I would be amazed if there isn't one)
Make it difficult for him if you choose to work at your marriage.

Don't give yourself back to him on a plate. This will test how much he wants it. Give him all the power and he will take it.

Don't just listen to what he says and believe it. Look at his actions. They speak more truth.

It didn't work out for me . I am very happy that it didn't as I am not sure I could truly love anyone that had done what he did to me.

I hope things work out for you but you will benefit hugely from toughening up. Good luck

Good post Seth my STBXH followed same path.

Regarding opportunity for ow - I thought the same until found out STBXH was taking half days from work to see her.

Looking back my STBXH run off when we were dating for 3 mths. At the time I didn't think there was an ow. He went back to his parents. There wasn't MN so I allowed him to come back full of remorse. 20 years later he did it again. This time he moved in with ow after bouncing back and forth for two mths.

You need to look after yourself. He is treating you appallingly. Would you treat a friend like this - no. I think you need to start checking out finances and your rights. He has told you he doesn't love you. That is cruel. He is making you wait for the prize - him!

I think you can want him back, be desperate for how things were and still not let him waltz back when he's ready. Tell him you want him back, the doors open but that it's something he'll have to earn and he's certainly not moving in without months of earning your trust.

(Also, loving someone unless another woman is involved is not unconditional, is it?).

If somebody says they don't love you, on Christmas Day, how can they suddenly love you again just a few short weeks later?

I personally think you'd be deluding yourself to have him back now, if this's triage is to get back on track properly, the only way to do it is to start dating and building a relationship again, treat it as a new one, and then after a period similar to in a new relationship you can decide whether it's going well enough for you to live together.

You both need to be sure of his love for you, rather than just a want of an easy family life. Only once you are sure of his love for you can you begin to be sure he made a mistake and you can trust him again.

You can be open to reconciling but not live together. I agree with the suggestion of giving it 6 months. Let him feel the consequences! He can rent somewhere for 6 months and feel the financial pinch. Let it play out with the OW and let him work out whether the grass is greener and most importantly give you space to get some self respect! reflect on what an utterly shit thing he did to you and your children and actually decide whether you want him for real! or just because you fear change.

When I was a teenager my father left my mum. He left us high and dry in the middle of a summer holiday. Thanks dad. He went to stay with a mate. There was no OW. Except, of course there was. My mum was beside herself for months. She didn't stop crying and just couldn't cope. My dad wanted a quick divorce, didn't love her any more, wanted half the house etc.

Come Xmas my siblings and I spent the holiday with my mum. We only visited him once, in a restaurant. The next day my dad turned up on the doorstep and said he wanted to come home. He realised what he was missing etc. not once did he say he loved my mum. She was so relieved that all this anguish was over, and she no longer had to face the future on her own, that she took him back with open arms.
He was with us for two weeks. During that time my mum pussy footed around him and treated him like the prodigal son. However, siblings and I had worked out that he was still seeing OW, and was only home because Xmas made him realise the consequence of his actions. He was making a fool of our mum. So we kicked him out. We told our mum that it was him or us. She chose us.
My mum met a lovely man and has been married to him for 25 years. God knows what she saw in my dad.

OP don't take him back because he decides its too awful on his own,and you're desperate. Take control. Make him do some work to get you back. He needs to really realise what he has in you and your DC. If he doesn't do the work, then move on and allow the possibility that someone out there will love you and your DC in the way you should be loved.

It's unusual for a man to suddenly leave without another woman in the background.

Also the way he did it, making an announcement on Christmas Day, suggests he couldn't go on with the pretence.

And then with him deliberately ignoring you - he has obviously been with her.

Now he is probably all confused because maybe she doesn't want to leave her home/he is having doubts if it is the real deal.

Please listen to us all!

I posted on your other thread - I am sure there is an OW. Why are you waiting around for him to decide he wants you again? He ain't going to come back and be who you thought he was. You need to shut the door and tell him you are not waiting for him and get on with your life. His behaviour is textbook - stop being such a doormat and open your eyes.

Oh Op, if you behave like a doormat you will be treated like one. Agree with others, highly likely there is an OW, he's just checking if the grass is greener.

Regardless of whether there is another woman or not, I'd be particularly concerned about his behaviour. He sprung the news on you, mopped about for 2 weeks, left with no contact for another few weeks, making you chase him, accused you of stalking him.
Where are the thoughts for his children, and the wife who loves him, there?

I'd seriously worry he'd do it again.
And he doesn't even seem to really want to go back at this time.

If you do love him, and your children, take a step back. Let him decide for himself, don't do the work for him. If he does decide to go back, then let him earn your trust and of your children.

They will be bewildered as well, and if you just let him walk back in, you are teaching them that's ok behaviour.
And you are setting yourself to be at his mercy.

I too posted on your other thread. I too said I'm sure there's an ow. As painful as that is.

You're waiting around for him to decide...it's just not right. You make a decision about what you want. Then tell him.

whatfun's post really shines a light I would think for you. how awful to go through this as a child. I too have read your other thread. only he knows if there is an ow but really you need to be putting your children ahead of him. let alone yourself. is it fair on them to be going back and forward with what is actually going on.

if there is no ow and you do both want it to work then surely it needs to be done slowly and carefully not in haste?

You seem very passive in all this :(

quick reply...

I doubt it would ever be the same if he came back esp under these circumstances...He will then be given the green card to come and go as he pleases...

He does sound like he is hedging his bets...

If he wants to come back he needs to work to make you feel special again not walk in the door and have his tea on the table...I can understand that wanting him back...He certainly doesn't want you unconditionally ( not that I agree that applies to anyone but kids) ...

You need to start making plans for a separate life..

Incidentally..I did let my Ex back in he left so he could go and smoke drugs..I let him back because he said he was clean..we had a very young baby and wanted to be a family..So this post isn't from someone who doesn't get what your feeling so big hugs

Just want to say, op, that I am on the verge of leaving my family (I am female) but there is NOT anyone else. I am just very unhappy and sometimes it is impossible to think straight with all the usual demands of family life crowding in on you. I am pretty certain that I don't want to be with my h any more but, who knows, some time on my own might possibly change my mind. I agree with the other posters who suggest you both take a very long time over any reconcilliation.

It has nothing to do with 'having done the wrong thing' or 'offending anyone' - I just think you are posting a new thread hoping to get different opinions and you wont (you might get the odd person responding that wouldn't have, but they aren't going to say anything that wasn't said on your other thread)...

You seem to be ignoring how badly he has treat your children in all of this. Why is that?

Unconditional love - rubbish. Adult romantic relationships are not about unconditional love - don't be a door mat!

Could someone please link to the other thread? x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1976685-Afraid-and-alone-cant-stop-crying

Sounds like he's realised that the grass isn't actually greener - either that or the ow has panicked now he is free and ended it (this happened to my sil)