Sisters DP and my DH today had a big row

[LoveUall]

Hello, i dont normally post on here but come on to ask abit of advice where nobody knows me im bit upset by it tbh. It is a very long story and there is so much back history with regards to my sister and her DP which is rellevent but i dont want to waffle on too much so ill keep it short as i can.

So my sister has been with DP for 5 years since she was 15 he is 8 years older than her there relationship was a secret for months until she turned 16 pretty soon after she fell pregnant, then again and then again by 19 she had 3 kids but suffered bad with pnd with youngest and was admitted to hospital for it, soon as she got out she fell pregnant again which she miscarried. She refuses contraception on the basis that he wants a big family, well she announced at christmas shes pregnant again.

I guess in normal circumstances we would be happy for them but hes not helping her at all, hes admittedly cheated on her he doesnt look after the kids to give her a break. Social services are involved due to her mental health issues but of course hes all sweetness and light with them. My mum and other sister are barred from their home because they think they are interfearing.

Today me and my DH was in Asda and bumped into her she looked terrible very pale and she was doing some shopping with the youngest in the pushchair trying to balance everything on top and a basket in 1 hand she was shaking like mad as she said everyone was banging into her, the older 2 kids were with his parents apparently. I continued with my shopping while i got DH to go with her to the till to pay for her stuff he then took her to our car to sit and wait for me and the kids. Unfortunately there wasnt enough room in our car for her and my neice so Dh left us in the cafe and just took our 5 year old son with him to take her home.
He got to her home and helped her in with her bags and the buggy and her partner was on the xbox in nowt but his boxer shorts. He explaine to him about my sister having a funny turn in asda and maybe she shouldnt of been out alone to do 4 bags worth of shopping. In retuen DH got told to fuck off and stay away from his girlfriend and apparently he can keep his fat bitch of a wife away aswell (meaning me) said they just want to be left alone which my family seem impossible to be able to do. Well DH saw red and sad hes give him a right mouthful and felt like hitting him it was only the fact our 5 year old was there he didnt thank god he had stayed in the garden. Dh said he noticed a big bruise on her wrist of course could be anythig but he has it in his head hes been hurting her.

We are absolutely discusted by the latest in line of similar incidents over the year, my sister just seems to be in a world of her own though and you can tell shes madly in love with him. I dont doubt my mum inparticular has interfeared from time to time but does this warrant this type of behaviour? I havent told my mum or anyone about this today but DH is insistant that social services need to be amore involved.

As you can imagine we are both upset For a father of 4 who does everything for them and a loving hubby to match DH cant understand why hes like it, hes known my sister since she was 12 he feels really protective over her. Im at a total loss please can anyone suggest any tactics other than ss?

Sorry know i said i was keeping it short but think this is as short as it could be there are other stuff ive left off

Hello there, what a horrible situation

It sounds very much like your sister is in an abusive relationship and her P is being very successful in isolating her

of course, she is an adult and you can't force her to do anything

in your situation, I would keep communication open as much as you can and make it clear that she can come to you if she wishes (if you can offer that)
perhaps steer her to Women's Aid for a chat if she feels overwhelmed and perhaps about MN too (after getting this thread deleted)

does she have any friends and what do they think about this awful bloke ?

I don't know what to advise, except to reiterate as above to keep up contact with your sister, because that nasty nasty excuse for a man is doing his best to alienate her from everyone else. Don't let him alienate you from her too.
Your poor sister :( I hope that one day she'll find the strength to get away from him.

Hello thanks, she knows she can talk to me although im guessing after the row today she might feel a bit awkward i have sent her a little message on fb asking if shes ok and feels better and she said she does.
Well there had been issues with the kids behaviour and i already got her to go onto another mums site what i usually use hence coming on here didnt want her reading it on there.

She does have friends and sees them often so hes not stopping her going out but it seems to be her family he has issues with.

Im just so annoyed a grown man letting a 3 month pregnant woman with bad morning sickness and depression/anxiety go shopping on her own with a toddler in tow while he lays on sofa in his boxers playing games its pissed me off i mean he doesnt work his xbox will still be there. She had walked to asda aswell 15 mins mostly up hill and would of been walking back as not on a bus route, not surprised she felt funny wehen she got there

I agree, that is awful behaviour from him

You're husband showed great restraint.

Your sisters partner is lucky not to be wearing his Xbox round his last ass neck.

Lazy ass neck.

Bloody predictive text!

It sounds as though social services should be kept in the loop if you suspect he is physically abusing her, and her mental health is suffering.

Reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave:-

•She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop).
•She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault.
•She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children).
•She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children.
•She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions.
•She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help.
•She may not know where to go.
•She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse.
•She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

My guess is that when she was 15, her self esteem and worth were somewhat shaky anyway so she was an ideal target for someone like this abuser to hone in on. He actively targeted her. He wants her and keeps her dependent, barefoot and pregnant; its all part of the power and control he exerts over her.

I would maintain fb contact with your sister and see her as much as you are able.

Social Services involvement here is still needed. This whole situation will likely escalate further as well.

I don't think it's wise to get SS involved as you will isolate her more. Why don't you offer to pick her once a week to go food shopping together (not your DH). Then progress it so you meet a couple of times a week, maybe to help her around her house, and her around yours etc. That way she will soon see the benefit of having her own family around. Eventually, she will see sense if he isn't great, but getting angry like your DH did will just play into his hands. You guys need to be as nice as pie, so he can't criticise you to her.

*YouSayWhaaatSun -

You're husband showed great restraint.

Your sisters partner is lucky not to be wearing his Xbox round his last ass neck.*

I know you are telling me, a few years ago this wouldnt of been the case i can tell you, its only since having the kids hes learnt to calm himself down and especially as out eldest was in the garden and my neice was there why he walked away once he had said his peice.

The little weasle my sisters with must be quite fearless to sit there branding insults about a 6ft2 18 stones wife thats for sure

AttilaTheMeerkat - Yes your 100% right her self esteem as always been bad, she had an accident when she was 13 which meant she missed alot of school and when she did go she was bullied she was taken out of school at 1 point by my mum, once she got to 15 she started rebelling dissapearing etc with older girls where she met her DP

OMG :(

Jesus, your poor sister.

She's been in abusive relationship since she was a girl.

I don't blame your DH at all, although it may have been better had he not lost his temper.

It sounds like you and your husband might be the latest family members this bastard has banned from your sister's home.

Does she have anyone at all she can trust and whom she is allowed to see? Any close friends?

RRRJ83 Thanks i agree with you fully and i do try my best to meet up with her when i can its just hard i have 4 children myself and have to juggle around school and nursery runs, she wont do public transport either if she can help it again makes it harder whenever shes been to my house she wants a lift home off my DH, or if we have met up on a weekend shes wanted me to walk her home we live in opposite directions i wouldnt mind but i have my kids to contend with during this walk, they are 5, and have 3 year old twins and then a baby nearly 1, i cant give her the help she needs without neglecting my kids.

Her kids are wild they have no boundaries, last time i had my pushchair and had her middle son on rains aswell, she was pushing her pram and her eldest daughter was running all over place and throwing mud at my kids, my daughter fell over and banged her head i saw it happening but i had the pushchair and little boy on rains i couldnt physically help her as fast as i could. Its just utter chaos, and her the way she is like i said is in a world of her own she never betted an eyelid or offered to get her son while i dealt with my daughter. Sorry i know it sounds like im been bitchy now, but just trying to show a pictue of what its like why i dont met her often as i should... We dont go to hers that much due to the atmosphere with her DP he hardly leaves the house so he is always there unless hes at his mums or his sisters, he is useless with my sister and the kids but he is a bit of a clean freak he just follows my kids about when we are there putting things back and taking toys off them and putting it back in the toy box.

I also agree with you about ss obviously as i stated they are involved but more to do with sisters health they also have imput from a sure start worker, my mum was present at a meeting before she was barred and they did nothing but sing her DPs prasises and told my mum shes lucky to have him.

JoinYourPlayfellows - yes she has some close friends but they are friends of his also most of them they go playgroups and things like that together so she is seeing people it seems to be our family he has a problem with.

Don't feel guilty that you can't solve her problems for her. She is a grown woman and you have your own busy family life to contend with.

You can only give as much as you can spare (in terms of time and energy). As long as she knows she can come to you if things escalate is enough, love.

She has to come to some realisations by herself I am afraid, and it may get worse before it gets better