So confused, not sure what to think

[Spinningmind]

I drank quite a bit last night, DP decided he didn't want to drink so stayed sober the whole night.

Everything is a bit of a blur.

I remember flirting with him quite a bit throughout the evening and trying to initiate sex a few times.

I lay on the sofa and put my head on his lap and smiled looking up at him, closed my eyes and went to sleep.

I vaguely remember him saying something like 'your asleep now baby we may as well take your trousers off' or something like that.

I was completely out of it, I remember my face was in the sofa cushion. My body was completely drunk but my mind was racing. What I thought I heard him say just kept going round and round.

I know my body was limp cos he kept changing my legs into different positions and they were so heavy. I'm pretty sure I didn't make any noise whatsoever.

He finished and I didn't react, he asked me if I had been asleep the whole time? I replied that of course I hadn't, I tried to sound as happy as possible.

He went outside for a smoke and I ran upstairs to bed. He came up and gave me an awkward kiss goodnight then slept on the sofa.

This morning he said "last night was a bit weird wasn't it" I agreed and said I didn't know what to say. He said I didn't react at the end and I had been coming on to him all night and I had made him feel like some kind of rapist.

I've been crying and so confused, my DP would never do anything like that? I feel so guilty for even thinking like this, I feel sick. I probably gave mixed messages and maybe he didn't realise I was asleep?

I've been avoiding him today and now he's out drinking. He came home drunk at one point and said he couldn't handle it so went to the pub.

I'm trying to be more happy, he phoned me to let me know where he was and we had a laugh. It's all normal but feels different.

I'm going to be blunt with you here, because you are massively minimising and trying to lie to yourself. Please understand that this is tough love:

Having sex woth someone who is asleep, or so drunk that they cannot react or communicate in a normal, responsive manner sexually, is rape. This is not opinion, this is the law. He felt like a rapist because he knows that he raped you. It doesn't matter that you flirted with him, or tried to initiate sex with him before you fell asleep or got very drunk, none of those made him act the way he did - everything he did was his choice to do to you.

You are trying to deny to yourself what happened - you're saying that maybe he didn't know you were asleep, and yet he said something like "you're asleep now, baby, we might as well take your trousers off'. So he KNEW you were out of it.

Normal, loving, decent, men who respect women and their bodies do not even think about this type of sex, never mind even being able to get turned on by the idea of having sex with a woman who is asleep or unable to respond or even move normally. That idea repulses them - because it is rape. Him saying that you were coming on to him all night is shows a worryingly immature, selfish, blaming and sexist understanding of sex and women's rights.

You really shouldn't pretend this was okay and normalise it. He is getting drunk today and saying he can't handle it, etc., is because he knows what he did. He feels guilty. He wants you to pretend it wasn't what it is. Do not fail yourself by doing this. If you let him get away with it, it will not be the last time.

I'm so sorry Spinningmind, this doesn't sound good :-(

He clearly knows it too hence going out to the pub to avoid the reality. He crossed a line and that should not happen with someone you love.

You need to talk to him but I know it's excruciating and awful for you both but if you don't confront it, it will always be there...you need to establish your boundries and then decide if you trust him enough to stay with him.

It is different. Because he crossed a line and you both know it.

I would see someone completely differently if I knew that they enjoyed having sex with someone who was practically unconscious.

I honestly dont know what to say to you love. Has anything like this happened before? He has deffinately crossed a line IMO and you need to make him aware of this. He has no excuse at all he was sobur and fully aware of what he was doing

Spinningmind how are you doing? I haven't been able to get your thread out of my head all day. I hope you're ok xx