How would you feel if you found out your Dad was doing Cannabis?

[AhoyMcCoy]

Just that really. I'd suspected it for a while- I could smell it strongly sometimes when around him (pregnant with super sense of smell) but no-one else could.

I live with him- moved in 9months ago. He's only early 60's but I've always had that feeling he can't take care of himself well. Doesn't wash his clothes often, hasn't washed his bedding or hoovered his room since I've lived here. His bedroom looks like one of those "horder" programmes. He sleeps 16+ hours a day. He has never cooked for himself and won't eat meals I've cooked either. He gets takeaways instead most nights.

We're selling the house (him and mum separated a while back, and she's pushing the house sale. He is too lazy to do anything), and I'm worried he won't 'cope' living on his own. Has been bothering me for a while, but I only confirmed the cannabis thing tonight by checking his phone (awful of me. I know. But I knew something wasn't right).

I know nothing about drugs. Should I be worried about cannabis use? It sounds like he is depressed when I write it all down, doesn't it?

It does sound like depression. Will he visit his GP if you ask him?

I think the break up with your mum has left him unable to cope and he's burying his head in the sand, pretending it will go away and turning to cannabis to stop it hurting.

No. Definitely not. He has that "old Irish man" mentality, where you never talk about if you are sick, and it's "shameful" to visit the drs. Do you know what I mean? He has an under active thyroid and I don't think he's great at taking his mediation. I try and nudge gently about that (he'll just grunt) but when he did go drs when he had been ill for a while, he wouldn't tell me anything. Had some blood tests and muttered about vit D deficiency. Depression would be a load of made up bollocks to him, I'm sure of it.

The cannabis use wouldn't worry me alone, but it would worry me that he seems to have lost his get up and go.

Will he talk? Has he got mates he could get out with for fishing/game of pool with?

Perhaps he needs to find out again who he is as a single mam, and find something to give him some 'meaning' back after the split.

morethan possibly. It was 4/5 years ago, mum had an affair. All kids still living at home/uni, and we all knew about it. She'd said that if dad found out, it would be our fault, he's be devastated, and she promised to end it etc. I think he's embarrassed by it, and by the fact he knew. We all stayed living in the home with him for a while- very much "team dad", and spent so much time around him. It seemed like he was pleased he 'got us' out of it, if you know what I mean? He doesn't have many friends and doesn't go out much- I remember him being much more sociable when I was younger. Life of the party.

Saying that though, mum always had to nag him to go to work every night (self employed) and she said one of the reasons it ended between them was he had no 'get up and go' and no energy, and she wanted to live her life and not just sit around and sleep/watch tv, so that makes me think it's not just mum leaving that triggered this, and that he was a bit like this before.

I feel like I worry about him like he's a 90 year old, not a 60 year old. So many 60 year olds are young and active and independent, and he's not.

I found out mine does about a year ago and it just amuses me to be honest because he goes on about how terrible smoking (tobacco) is.

But, it's occasional rather than habitual and I would be concerned in your position. TBH, more about the mental health issues than the actual drug smoking, because IMO if you're hurting nobody and it's not causing a problem for you in terms of general competency at living then I don't think it's a problem. If he's not responsible for DCs etc then it wouldn't worry me. It's a coping mechanism like any other, and if it helps him then that is a good thing.

However the worry would be that it was feeding into the depression rather than being the depression causing him to want to smoke. And that sounds like it could be a huge can of worms to approach him about and a large mountain to get over in terms of his attitude to boot.

I am in the Netherlands and have learned to become much more relaxed about cannabis use. It's his personal choice to smoke weed and he is a grown man able to decide what he wants to do. Presume he does it on his own and not around dcs/in others' homes...

His underlying health problems would be of much more concern to me and he should be getting support from that. I do understand your concern but you may have more luck focusing on the depression and thyroid problem - which causes depressive feelings. It would be interesting to see if the depression lifts once he medicates regularly - the change for me was immediate.

Good luck and I hope he gets better.

The "no get up and go" is absolutely typical of thyroid issues though isn't it? Perhaps you could be a bit more naggy in terms of his medication and see if you can get him to take it regularly and see if it helps.

I mean, yes, weed can cause apathy but it doesn't necessarily cause it generally. IMO it's probably more likely to be the other way around ie person feels apathetic, oh, I'll have a smoke, it takes the guilt out of the apathy and makes you feel like you're doing "something" (e.g. relaxing) because the apathy you are feeling can then be attributed to the weed and felt more as a "chilled out" or de-stressed sort of feeling rather than a "I don't want to do one single thing. I'm so useless and rubbish, I'll just stay here." That can be caused by depression and/or low thyroid, definitely. (and/or because sometimes the depression is caused by low thyroid and sometimes it's standalone)

Sorry X post. Imo the thyroid not being treated properly could be a major cause. I found it impossible to move at its height - it can go undiagnosed for many years. Your poor dad. It's totally debilitating. I guess he's not listening to what the doctors have told him? It sounds quite self destructive. No real words of wisdom unless you can appeal through the impact on your and your children if he doesn't get better?

Sorry to read that it is so tough

I'd think my dad was having a late life crisis if he started smoking the weed, unless of course he was suffering with chronic backache and it was for medicinal purposes. Chronic for the chronic, so to speak.

I'll count his thyroid tablets and see how often this week he takes them then. I'm not sure it's 100% not taking the tablets though, my mum is a nurse and when she lived here she used to nag him to go to the doctors and keep on top of things. He wouldn't have got away with not taking his tablets then, but he was still sleeping late, not eating much, not taking great care of himself etc even then.

Bahhhhh. I just don't know how I could ever bring it up with him. We just don't 'talk' like that. And for the poster that asked if he has friends etc, not really. The ones he does have are alcoholics. Spend all day in the pub. Dad isn't a big drinker so doesn't see them too often.

He didn't come home from work last week, I woke up in the morning and he wasn't here. I rang his phone for hours and it just rung. I genuinely thought he might have killed himself. I spoke to my sister once we found he was safe, and she said she'd thought he might have killed himself too. I don't want to do nothing and for things to get worse, but I know he won't ever acknowledge there is a problem, and it will make our relationship so awkward for me to suggest there is.

Just on the thyroid point, if he's not taking it properly then it's not going to work eg eating and then taking the tablets or taking it on an empty stomach but then eating immediately after. They have to be taken 1st thing on an empty stomach to be effective and then no eating for at least 1/2 hour after. Otherwise it's pointless or so I have been told by my doctors and I see a thyroid expert who looked horrified when I said I mixed medication!

It does sound like he needs professional help as the divorce must have knocked him for six. The problem is how do you help someone who won't help themselves? You can't do it for him. Your mum must have found it exhausting. He's got to want to make the change. Sounds as if he is used to being looked after first by your mum and then by the kids as far as you can. That sounds super harsh and it's not meant to but it must be very stressful for you

can you go and see his gp to discuss what could be done?

Thanks all for your help and advice, I'm feeling so much better about things today.

Got a plan sorted in my head now. Going to keep an eye on how regularly/how well he takes his thyroid meds and get that sorted first. I can pick up a pill box and say "I saw this today, what a great idea for someone who has to take frequent meds!" , and make sure he takes them regularly.

Going to speak to my siblings and get things sorted so that we have actual plans with him at least once each weekend- theatres, walks, museums etc, so we can ensure he's getting up/washed/dressed for something at least once a week. He does love his days out with us when we organise them (albeit not usually as frequently as weekly) so I reckon he'll like that.

Then I need to sit down with DH/sibs and discuss what will happen when the house is sold- who will live with him, or who will ensure he's taking care of himself etc, and then if things get worse, we will cross the GP bridge then if needs be.

Thanks so much all for all your thoughts, it really helped me get things straight in my head

Cannabis had a lot of health benefits, it's really not harmful.

Ahoy, you're a lovely daughter.

I'm in the Netherlands and there is some fantastic and very nice sheltered housing available. Not sure what it is like back home but that could be a compromise solution? Sounds like he's at the age he would qualify for it. He'd have people keeping an eye out and might also get the chance to meet new people but still live independentlyish. If he's not washing regularly or taking care of himself that sounds quite serious :(

Aside from that you all sound like great children and I really hope you can get it sorted out.

I wouldn't be worried about the cannabis use, I'd be worried about everything else though, he's either depressed or just in a rut, either way, the non washing etc is pretty inconsiderate towards you having to live in that stench, I'd put my foot down about that, it will help him in the long run.

I'd also like to know where he gets the money for cannabis and takeaways most nights.

Cannabis had a lot of health benefits, it's really not harmful. THAT is one of the most stupid, ignorant and frankly idiotic statements I have ever seen on mumsnet

Cannabis does have health benefits and is prescribed regularly. Like any drug, it has harmful effects too.

It's not ignorant. It can cure cancer and many other illnesses, it lowers blood pressure, is a natural anti depressant and more people die from caffeine than cannabis. In fact, no one has died from cannabis. (In the news last week apparently the first ever woman died of cannabis use, in actual fact the coroner couldn't find any reason to why she had died, and couldn't show how the cannabis killed her, but as she smoked half a joint a day they have assumed it was cannabis) it also doesn't cause mental health issues as stated, the results of the previous study not showed that people with mental Health problems are more likely to use cannabis, and that is the only link. Studies and statistics can be easily twisted. So again, cannabis has a range of health benefits and isn't harmful.

Erm bloodynora your comment is based on what exactly? Cannabis is not the demon drug it is made out to be. The issue is a cultural one.

Who's more likely to get into a fight, someone stoned or someone drunk? Alcohol is far more antisocial than cannabis ever could be and costs the NHS far more, yet there is no problem with people downing their sorrows on a regular basis is there??

Sorry op don't want to turn your thread into a drug debate, I just don't think you need to worry about that side of things so much. hope you get it sorted with your dad.