I've been thinking about where I currently am in my life and would really appreciate some perspective from outsiders about this even though I don't think there is necessarily a right or wrong answer. I have name changed as my ex knows my regular name on here. This might be lengthy and very boring so a big thank you to anybody who manages to read all the way through.
I met my recently ex partner 5 years ago when we were both 20, I fell for him pretty hard and we did rush things a little by moving in with each other almost immediately. The reason for this was mostly logistics, he was at the opposite end of the country to me and agreed to move in with me so that we could spend time together and also because we would not have been able to sustain the relationship financially if we had to pay to visit one another every weekend etc.
The past 5 years have had ups and downs, we've moved house a few times to different areas of the country and shared some fantastic adventures as well as some really trying situations. We always some how managed to muddle through and have constantly got on well with day to day living, we laugh a lot and share the same sense of humor etc and our views always seemed to gel quite well together and we managed to respect each others differences in opinion. There have been arguments that have been awful at times but mostly it had been good and I look back on the time fondly.
For the past 6 months or so the relationship has floundered, not arguments or anything drastic, he just seemed a bit more distant and as if he had fallen out of love with me (which he now admits he had). We carried on together but I made my position clear that if the way we were heading was all that lied in the future I didn't want that. I know relationships sink into routine after the honeymoon phase but this was literally just like having a house mate, we shared bills, chores, responsibilities and chatted a bit in the evening but there was just something missing.
With this his attitude also changed, he became increasingly obsessed by financial issues, moaning about me buying things when we should be saving, nagging all the time about the expense of our pets and other things. We had always got by and managed to pay our bills etc, sometimes finding the cash was a bit difficult but I think most people live like this. He began to resent the fact that it seemed every time we managed to have some spare money to spend on ourselves something seemed to come along that needed paying for, family emergency, vet bills, washing machine broke down etc. He also with it seemed to think that we should be living more comfortably but was bitter about having to work harder for it. He also became more stubborn and it was obvious he had lost a lot of respect for me. He treated me like a lesser person as well as making the occasional snide comment about me (unprovoked I should add).
Over christmas he went to visit his parents and I said to him that I did not want him to come back unless things were going to be different and he was willing to make some changes. At this point he belittled me by saying things like "you can't cope without me... I know you will be on the phone every night as soon as I leave" ... and other comments to this effect that I found insulting but I chose to ignore. After he left I didn't call him, for the first week he didn't seem to mind but after that he began to call me and say that I never even bothered to contact him. I told him that I didn't want to talk to him at the moment, in truth I was trying to find my feet on my own a bit and think about what would happen if I told him to just stay there.
I offered him the chance to come back but only if he changed, he said he would never change for anybody and he liked himself how he was. Fair enough I thought, I told him not to come home and said we would still be friends.
A few weeks passed and we spoke to each other online a bit, I went out and saw friends and generally had a good time. I wasn't as upset as I expected to be but I think it had been a long time coming so I had already prepared mentally.
Now he is saying that he loves me, he can't imagine life without me and that he has fallen back in love with me. He says that all the things he thought he wanted seem trivial now and that it all means nothing without me in his life... and things to this effect. He has not coped without me very well at all which is ironic considering what he told me. He has managed to get himself a job there, but he has said he hopes to visit when he can and eventually move back closer to me at his own place though. He says he will do anything to prove he is sincere in what he says and that he understands why I didn't want him back.
I'm torn really, he is a trustworthy person so I do feel he is being honest that he will do what ever it takes etc, but I don't know what it will take? I don't want to go through this all over again in a few years time if he does sink back into old habits but at the same time I do know how difficult it is to find somebody who is on the same page as you and wants the same things from life, as well as being compatible in all the other ways that can make a relationship work. It's hard to say if I love him as I love who he was when we met, but not the person who he was becoming more recently. I will be seeing him again next week as he is coming to help me sort a few things out with the house and collect a few of his things, so I will probably know more about how I feel about him after seeing him.
Either way I plan to be on my own for a while as I want some me time and also I've arranged a few things (like going back to uni) that I want to sort out so I can see where I am with the things I'm doing for myself before I involve anybody else or any extra commitments.
Any thoughts appreciated.
Thanks for reading all this. Sorry it's so long and dull.