Re-establishing contact with in laws....any success stories?

[BetterNotBitter]

We haven't seen my in laws for almost a year. Our decision, both myself & my husband agreed. Mostly down to rude and unbelievably selfish attitude of mil, and both mil & fils attitude of 'you're our son and you'll do as we say' (their words to the 29 yr old with good job, own house, wife & one child!). This is our second period of estrangement, the first I persuaded husband to end after a few months and we regretted it

Im not naive enough to think that they will have changed into amazingly wonderful people but our ds is now almost 3 and we have another on the way and I'm wondering more and more (probably pregnancy hormones) if we should give them another chance. We had never intended on not ever seeing them again, but had thought perhaps that as most problems got unbearable when ds was born, that maybe it would be best to get the baby phases out of the way and mil would calm abit.

Of course, re-establishing contact now won't achieve that as we are going to have another newborn in the summer. We were always gutted that they overshadows our first ones first year by bring stress and misery onto us and I don't want to regret letting them back in but I can't help feeling the urge to.....? Am I crazy and pregnant and silly?

They don't know about number two being on the way yet but were are intending to let them know by way of a pregnancy announcement card, mainly so they don't hear off anyone else, which they will at somepoint once it gets out. I anticipate that once they know about it they may attempt to build bridges. What do we do if this happens? Could it work out this time? Has anyone got any experience?

This time, don't try and "persuade" your husband into anything.

You're saying "we" a lot, but is it really both of you? How does your DH feel about this? Let him take the lead on whether steps are made to re-establish contact.

Yes it's really both of us. I haven't mentioned it to him yet. We will make the decision together as it impacts both of us. I have taken the approach 'your family, your call' before but he wasn't comfortable with it and it led to arguments as he constantly wanted to know my opinion. My opinion is usually softer than his and his probably a touch too harsh so meeting in the middle has seemed best in the last. We will continue to do this as it works for us. Thanks for your thoughts.

Betternotbitter,

Re your comment:-
"Im not naive enough to think that they will have changed into amazingly wonderful people but our ds is now almost 3 and we have another on the way and I'm wondering more and more (probably pregnancy hormones) if we should give them another chance".

In a word, no. They've already had a chance last time and they blew it. No more. Where's your own boundary with regards to such people; to think this at all makes me think its set far too low to begin with.I would put money on it as well that your ILs have never apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions. They were not good parents to him and they remain poor grandparents to your own children.

I also think that pregnancy hormones are clouding your judgment. What do you hope to gain from a relationship with such disordered of thinking people?. They have fundamentally not changed at all. Have they actually apologised or even accepted any responsibility for their actions - I daresay not.

If they are too difficult and toxic for you to deal with they are certainly too difficult and toxic for your both vulnerable and defenceless children.
Some people really should not be allowed access to their grandchildren.

You likely come from an emotionally healthy type family which is therefore quite unlike your DHs. His birth family is not and actually never has been emotionally healthy. The rule book goes out the window when it comes to dealing with such toxic families, "normal" rules of familial interaction simply do not work or even apply. You persuaded your DH to resume contact last time and it went on to (unsurprisingly) become a decision you regretted (the first part of my paragraph is probably why you decided to resume contact at all and also out of societal convention). I can tell you now that if you resume contact again at all you will bitterly regret your decision for doing so. It will bite you on the bum again; the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again over and over again and expecting different results!!.

If they cannot or will not behave they do not get to see any of you, its as simple as that. If your DH wishes to maintain any sort of relationship with his parents that is up to him but you and your children do not have to drag yourselves into their dysfunctional web of lies, secrets and deceit.

Your DH seems very much in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) with regards to his parents as it is. MIL is the driving force and her H is her willing enabler and bystander who acts out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He will always put his wife before his son.

NC is not contact so that also includes not sending them ANY communications from yourselves. Any communication from you opens the door to further unwarranted contact from them, they will see any contact as a reward.

And remember, it’s always much easier to change your mind after deciding not to allow contact than is to change your mind after allowing it. You've seen that already. If his parents were not good parents, err on the side of caution, and if at all in doubt, say no. Your children are counting on you.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward so you can further understand the dynamics more.

And also, it is NOT your fault they are like this. Their own birth families did that lot of damage to them, do you have any idea of their own backgrounds?.

I'm kind of in the same position and your PILs sound abit like mine. MIL is toxic. She is selfish, very childish, plays guilt trips alot, manages to create drama and then play the victim etcetc.

We had our 2nd dd in August and they way she treated me towards the end of my pregnancy/labour was vile...she then told people i had an eating disorder and that was that. done. still managed to make herself the victim

Anyway. She last saw us when dd2 was 1 week old. Its been 6 months now. She was missed dd1 starting pre school, christmas and dd1s birthday is next week etc. She has made no attempt to build bridges.

We're getting married in April and i have been thinking about getting intouch....but then i remember the things she's done, things shes said, how she has treated my children, how she has treated my dp, how our life had to revolve around her visits, how she made me feel...
and i think why?
We arn't missing out on her. We're alot happier. Dd1 hasnt even asked about her in 6 months...

If she was normal, and knew she'd upset her son and his family, normal people would say sorry, fight to change etc. but she isnt.

She has made no attempt to see her only son and her only DGDs who she apparently loves so much.

Dont do it. They won't of changed.