Can DC really come through parents' separation well if it's handled properly by both parents?

[pinkflaming0]

If parents behave like adults with the DC's best interests at heart can the DC come thru their parents' separation and be happy afterwards?

DH and I are not on the surface unhappy but we have problems that mean I am thinking our marriage may not be forever. I'm starting to contemplate a future in which we are not a couple. If it weren't for the DC that would be almost definite. But, there are DC and the thought of tearing apart their world upsets me deeply.

Sometimes even better.
My dc say they prefer it now.
But then it must have been hideous for them living in the house with an undercurrent of resentment, aggression and unhappiness.

Yes, of course they can. It's not divorce/separation itself that causes the problems, it's warring parents. And you don't actually need to separate to do damage that way, sadly.

Which isn't to say it's easy and there won't be problems. Children dislike change and any change forced upon them that strikes at the heart of their living arrangements will make them feel unsettled and a bit anxious. You need to accept and understand that. But as long as you keep reassuring them that it's not their fault, that you both still love them as much as ever, and that things will be ok, they will adapt to a new way of life with no scars.

THe danger of staying for the sake of the children is that children tend to pick up on this message at some level, internalising it and feeling that it's their fault their parents are so unhappy (and believe me, if you are your children will know, no matter how much you think you can hide it). Children should never be used as a reason for staying together IMO - you should make the decision to stay or go based on the relationship. Which isn't to say that I don't think it's worth exploring whatever issues you have at fault in your relationship to see if you can repair your marriage. Do you want to talk about those?

Good luck.

absolutely - without a shadow of a doubt.

I am a single parent - my ex-p left when my daughter was a few months old so for me it is slightly different as this is the life my daughter has always known but she is happy. My DP split from his ex-wife when their children were 5 and 6 and there have been a few bumps along the way but everyone is so much happier now.

I find that it is the adults fear rather than the childrens actual feelings that stop people leaving. I am not going to downplay the massive upheaval it will be especially if it involves a move, new school etc but this is only temporary and it is important to remember that and keep an eye on the bigger picture.

There will be times when the children will want their parents to be together but if handled correctly by the adults it is so much more preferable and better for the children if parents who are not in a healthy relationship separate and continue to be actively involved in their child/rens lives.

I think as parents we need to be aware of the messages we give to our children about being in a loving and intimate relationship as we are creating a blue-print for the rest of their lives.

what are the issues that you are having?

Well, it's early days for me (split October last year), and only one of us has been acting reasonably wrt the children consistently (that would be me, in case you were wondering ); and my children, 6 and 3, have coped remarkably, amazingly, I would say.

I have found that my worries about tearing their world apart, as you say, were unfounded: their world has changed slightly, even though my ex was a dick re contact in the first month or so (he went totally awol for 9 days straight once, to get at me, but only succeeded in hurting the children. They have now forgotten this, thankfully), he has now settled into a routine where he sees them twice a week.

So, if you're both amicable and adult from the word go, I would say you have an even better chance of keeping things stable, (albeit a different routine) for your children.

I hope so!

I hope so! My dh is overseas and won't see the dc til summer, but he talks to them on Skype pretty much everyday. He was never there when we lived with him, so apart from country move, school move, house move, and all that entails life rocks by as normal.

With no shouting, no atmosphere, no having to pretend its all ok. Both dc accept it. We are currently amicable ( as I have no idea what he is doing and he doesn't have to pretend anymore).

I think it depends what role he played in their lives to start with. If, like my dh he was incredibly hands off, its easier. They don't miss him for day to day stuff like breakfast, meals, activities, bath and bed, home work etc. Christ that sounds awful but its true:(

It can work out well, and you'd be amazed how much the DCs already know.

A close relative knew her marriage was over when her DD (5) asked "when Daddy goes, can we have a kitten?". Up to that point, they thought they'd been discreet. After some twattery from her STBEX, they settled into polite cooperation. Her DCs are now happy confident adults, she married a chap we all think is the bee's knees and she has 2 more charmers.

Yay all round.

Thanks for your replies.

Lavenderhoney He's very involved in their lives. Does the school run with the younger two every morning. Especially involved with middle one taking him to football training/matches four times a week. Works from home so always around.

There is no shouting between us though he does shout at the kids.

PeppermintPasty I'm sure he wouldn't be a 'dick' about contact at all. I'd like to think we would co-parent pretty much as we do now. No change of location (hopefully not even of house).

tangledzebra The issue we are having is that for years now I haven't been sexually attracted to him. I've gone along with sex because I've seen it as my 'fault' and I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to upset people. And, when the kids were smaller I had no mental bandwidth to deal with anything other than getting through day to day life.

Now I've gone back to work, have more time to myself, am approaching 50 (48 this month), have had two friends die last year, my mum has been critically ill - all things that are making me re-evaluate what I want from life.

And, unsurprisingly given the circumstances (several classic risk factors in my life), I've had a brief relationship with a colleague that is absolutely over but has made me think 'is this it?' about my marriage. The relationship was most definitely a symptom not the cause of my/our problems. However, before I was thinking 'it's good enough' and 'that's what long term relationships are like' but I know now it's not.

I've read with interest the threads on MN on the topic of sex and love in long term relationships and I know that not everyone feels like they're settling for good enough.

My struggle is that honestly most of the time things are fine and I think 'this is OK, I can do this' then he wants sex and I feel awful and it all comes crashing back into my mind.

He has known for a long time that our sex life is not right but I think he's just resigned to it. Neither of us is addressing the elephant in the room.

He doesn't know about the relationship I had.

I don't know if I want to sort our sex life out, I can't imagine fancying him ever again. I know we will both need to be motivated to sort it out if there's going to be a chance of succeeding. I still think about the guy I had the relationship with a lot but it's getting less and changing over time. I think maybe I need to get that out of my system first? I am getting counselling on my own - he doesn't know.

How would you feel if he didn't feel sexually attracted to you anymore and actually had an affair with someone at work... and didn't tell you?

I'm sorry but I just don't think this is fair on either of you, or your kids. It seems to me your marriage is over, just not officially.

To answer your title question: yes. Kids are resilient - if you approach this as adults and emphasise that you both still love them very dearly but this is a change that will happen, it's nothing bad, it's nothing they've done but it's happening, etc. they will be more than fine. Best of luck to you, I hope you find a path that leads you to happiness.

Yozora I would probably feel relieved because that would mean we felt the same and could move on from our marriage and each hopefully find happiness elsewhere. I know that's not the point you are trying to make but that's the truth.

Also, I know the advice in here is generally that the unfaithful partner must confess the affair but from what I've read that's not the professional advice and my counsellor's first response was 'You're not going to tell him are you?'. Same from the one friend I've confided in in RL who is a counsellor though of course we were speaking as friends.

You seem pretty certain that the marriage will end only on your say so. Are you sure that your H isn't unhappy and thinking of ending things himself?

You seem to be already aware of the tendency people have to project unhappiness on to their marriage when the real problem is something else entirely.

Most people just trudge along until something happens that offers a glimpse of excitement. If that's another person, it's so, so easy to justify exploring those new, exciting 'alive' feelings by rewriting history and making your marriage the reason why you feel flat/unfulfilled/unhappy, etc. In doing so, you reduce your spouse almost to a bit player in your life and it becomes easy to forget that they are a person in their own right, with their own thoughts and actions and their own agency. That's why so many people are shocked at their betrayed spouse's refusal to take them back when they try to return to the marriage after infidelity has been discovered. The fact that the cheater sees their spouse only as a spouse - i.e. a person defined in relation to themselves - rather than as a person in their own right, may actually be part of the reason the marriage is having difficulties.

So I ask you again, how would you feel about your H and your marriage if you felt he would leave you?

If you feel relief, ending things is probably the right call. But if it makes you feel anything else, seriously question whether calling off your marriage would really do anything other than add a lot of stress to your life.

The thing is, you could leave and never meet anyone else. How does that make you feel?

If the idea makes you feel free and full of possibilities for other areas of your life - e.g. a new job, a new friendship circle, a great new hobby - then why can't you do those things inside your marriage? If the answer is because you H will be awkward about it, then that's definitely good enough reason to leave. But if he'd actually be supportive of you doing any of those things, what do you hope to achieve by leaving your marriage that you can't achieve by staying - save the possibility of a relationship with someone else that may or may not happen.

I'm not downplaying the importance of relationships. It is, for most people, a natural instinct to want to have a meaningful relationship with a partner. If you feel your marriage can't be described like that and won't ever be, you don't need any further justification to leave if that's what you want. You wouldn't be human if you didn't hope to find that with someone new. And while you may not ever find the relationship you want, being in a bad one can blight your life and it is better to find happiness alone.

But I urge you to be absolutely sure that you've identified the correct source of your unhappiness before you do anything, because you'll save yourself a lot of heartache and give yourself a much stronger shot of building the life you want.

Most definitely.

I only have one example but dds best friend comes from this type of family.
The dd is 10 now and parents split when she was 3.
I had no idea they were separated tbh, they turned up to every event together, school open days, parents evenings, award days, concerts.
They both have new partners and her mum is expecting a baby with new dh now, but they are still there, constant.
It is lovely to see and I know the child benefits from this, she is so secure, happy and its far better than some of the awful stories you hear where poor dc are stuck in the middle.
Of course I know it isn't always possible for many reasons, but wanted to share an example of it working out fine.

In my case it has not been great for my kids ( 13 & 10) but that is partly down to their age and partly down to the circumstances surrounding the split and the way my ex has handled it.
I definitely think the younger the children the easier they easier it is on them in the long term so if you are thinking of doing it the sooner the better for their sake.
Also you seem to be thinking that your DH will be as accepting as you are that your marriage is over. If that is the case it will make it much easier but if not you may find that you have less control over the fallout as you cannot control your Oh's behaviour or his reaction to the split. I think you need to start talking to him about this.

Dahlen thanks for taking the time to write such a lengthy and thoughtful reply. I saw my counsellor tonight and you and she have said some of the same things and both asked the question about how I would feel if he wanted to end the marriage.

I am 99% sure he isn't thinking of ending it himself, 99.9% actually. I don't think he's actively unhappy, he'd like more/better sex I know but I think he's in 'it's good enough' territory.

I was trudging along before last November (affair ended and double bereavement - worst month of my life ever) and I am sure I'm not rewriting history though I know we are prone to doing that.

I would feel relieved if he felt the same way as I do because it would mean we could move on without me having to be responsible for breaking everything up and causing all the hurt. I'm fond of him, I care about him, I don't want to hurt him.

Because I care for him and because of the children I feel that I must try to improve things, that I must get up the courage to speak to him. I'm just afraid that when I do I will start off a chain of events over which I don't have control.

I'm more ready each day but I'm not ready yet.

I'm not expecting him to compete with the OM in terms of excitement but he doesn't show me much (any?) affection, no hugs, touches or kisses, he never compliments me either on how I look or what I do/how I am - this is what I got most upset talking about this evening, I think I'd forgotten all that.

The core of it is the sex - that's meant to be the barometer of a relationship isn't it? I don't feel sexually attracted to him any more. Why? It's been eroded away by the resentments of everyday life, the lack of affection etc. described above, he's put on weight. He wants me but I don't want him and every time I give in and 'grin and bear it' it makes it worse.

This has been a bit of a stream of consciousness I'm afraid, not sure if it makes sense but it's helping me get my thoughts straight I think.

It doesn't look good does it?

Absolutely yes, my own dc are proof of that. They are the most loving, caring, happiest kids that I know, full of life and love for everyone in their lives.

And that means you hide your pain from them in the early days. You enable them to enjoy their separate life with dd as you want them to enjoy their time at home. No interrogations, no guilt, no tears and you will all reap the rewards.

My parents broke up officially when I was 9 and my brother 7. They had splits and constant arguements for a couple of years leading up to that. They (eventually) remained good friends, although more because my dad took my mum for granted, but that also meant because my dad was still around the house alot, it was a little dysfunctional for us and we still had to witness lots of arguements even though they wernt together!!!
Neither my brother or myself let it affect us though and as adults are fully functioning!! Much more so than some of our friends who's parents are still together even.
I had a period of disappointment and anger at my dad at about 19 but that wasent really connected to their split, more just his general behaviour. We get on great now though.