7 Years of sacrifice and Im pushed aside

[Playedlikeafool]

Hello all, I'm new to mumsnet and desperately looking for support. My husband and I have spent the last 4 years of our 6 year marriage trying to resolve our issues. In the last 2 years he has left me twice, saying he couldn't do it anymore. I gave up my professional, well paid career to dedicate more time for our family (2 children) and enable us to buy a house. Coming up to just 2 years in our house and he left me again. Just walked out. Now he wants me to sell, half the equity and simply pay what the CSA decide. Basically, I am left with all the hard work and he gets a delightful day every sunday taking our son out for the day! I have to spend that day catching up on housework!
Im tired, angry, financially dependant and feeling so betrayed.
I gave up my way of life to give us a better family life and he just gets to walk away. Why is it so unfair and why do men get it so easy? No doubt he will now be out at every opportunity playing the field while I get to wash school uniform on a Friday night!!!!!!

sorry to hear you're going through this. Does he have a well paid job? if so & you're married then he'll have to pay you more than CSA I think. Also, maybe later on you could go back to your job?

It feels terrible now but later you'll be able to see some pluses - mainly not having to live with an arse, not having to feel insecure about when he's next leaving, and building the relationship you want with your children from a position of freedom. You can make yourself a lovely life in the future. He's missing out by not seeing his children the majority of the time

Try to make sure when you do have a day to yourself that you do something nice like go for a coffee and read paper. Do housework when dcs in bed in week so that you can have some nice time to yourself/see friends/exercise etc

Sorry OP. as another LP who gets 3 hours off per week, It is tough to get left with the dcs while they get the bachelor life BUT you do get the dcs. They will love you and drive you mad and when they are older they will appreciate what you have done for them but they probably won't have much time for him.

Can you get back into working?
And don't waste your Sunday doing housework, go out do something for yourself. get the kids to help you with the house when they are there....

1 yr on I have lovely kids and a good work life balance. and he us a lonely bitter twat who kids barely give him a second thought.

Maybe not what you are looking for but your post reminds me of listeners calling the radio phone ins this week regarding extending school hours. The common view was that 9-5 or 6 was for people who never want to see their kids. I have always worked and always will. Girls should be taught- having a breadwinning husband and being able to stay home with your kids is fantastic - but - husbands can disappear. What then? I maintain my career to make sure I can support myself and my DD if my DH decides to trade me in for a younger model or for any of the other reasons given to OPs on active threads this week. And btw, I spend every weekend and evening with my daughter and most of the school hols. She may stay with my mum one night a month but that's it. She does not miss out and i work to make sure she never will - even if it all goes to pot. No wonder you are fed up OP. Every single woman in your circumstances would feel the same. You need some legal advice about maintenance for yourself - spouses have a duty to maintain one another until divorce. See a lawyer ASAP. Good luck

I know I've said this before elsewhere, but make sure you know your rights regarding the house. If you're a joint owner, it's very unlikely he'll be able to force you to sell if dependant children are living there.
I think I'd be a bit relieved if he's gone for good tho; 4 out of 6 years trying to make it work sounds exhausting.

No woman should ever be financially dependent on a man, but that thought is not much use or comfort to you now OP. I'm sorry you're going through this.

DH and I separated for about a year when the DDs were 5 and 2. I was the one to leave the family home. Yes the little bit of freedom and independence was quite nice, but I missed the girls terribly. It was awful not being there for bedtime, not being there when they woke up after a bad dream, not being able to go and gaze at them sleeping...

It sounds like you and your DH have had some rocky times (four years of trying to resolve differences sounds exhausting) so maybe this is a chance to have a nice peaceful time to yourself for a little while.

Thank you for the kind, and honest, responses. Before the H came along, I had been in my career for 8 years and was a SP to my now 17 year old daughter. At 14 years, I was able to leave my job and get a good sum to put towards buying a house and my H's wages (in an equally good job) covered our expenses while I worked part time.
Im a big believer in being a hard working mum. I did it long enough. But I cant go back to that job, because of the nature of it, when you have left there is no going back. And I wont beable to earn that money again anytime soon and enjoy spending time with my children. It took a lot of courage to leave and he helped persuade me to leave, so he could focus on his career without us both being under career pressure.

Im so cross because when he left last time I said we needed to resolve all this so it doesn't happen again. I foolish for taking him back, should have got out then while I was stronger.

Im floored, and cant get up

Phoolani is correct, you should pursue spousal maintenance and being able to stay in the house. Worst case re house- you can request an unequal division of equity as the parent with care. Max what cash you can and then celebrate being liberated from 4 years of hell.

phoolani, HeartsTrumpDiamonds

Exhausting - yes, it really was. Especially as I was the one who took responsibility for every aspect of our lives. He tried to get away with doing as little as possible. I don't even think he likes, let alone loves his son.

BUT, I do have the better deal. And I get the breathing space now, quiet and alone, but better than with him here.

I would see a solicitor. He can't just force the sale of the house. It's not about what he wants but what a court feels is best for the children.

Thank you guys! Feeling so much better already. FOUR YEARS of exhausting, bitter hell. He made me feel unattractive and unloved and im so glad it is over, finally.
Its the divorce and the money and the house..... so much stuff to do and im not exactly in the best frame of mind to push through it. But I was strong before, Im sure I could be again!

X post - don't feel foolish OP. I'm just lucky enough to have been the breadwinner in my first marriage. No kids. H cheated and we split. I felt I'd had a lucky escape with no kids and possible career slow down as a result of marriage. I never thought H1 would cheat. Can't be sure H2 won't cheat- breakdown- fall out of love. When I read threads on here it reminds me that I've done the right thing (even though some people no doubt think I'm a crap mum)

If you are Pt and an LP you will probably get tax credits. And yes try gore spousal maintenance. any settlement should take into account your loss of career for the sake of the family.

Onwards and upwards OP. As soon as you don't have to listen to him belittling you, your confidence will come back. Life begins again. It did for me (despite my cynicism!)

Tax credits are sorted. If he cant make me sell that's great, but I cant afford the mortgage unless he pays up. But he wants a clean break, which I suspect means he's with someone else, which would explain the sudden move out after Christmas.

Actually I think if he has found someone else, it makes it easier for you to move on. It was bad enough when he was "just" emotionally abusing you. Cheating as well should give you strength to push for as much as you can money wise. No feeling guilty for taking him to the cleaners - no feeling sorry for him. No wondering if you might have been able to sort it if you'd given it another (20) year. All power to you PLAF

LadyHH, I like your style. You are right, and I wont feel guilty if I get all that im entitled to. I am feeling very betrayed though, cause he is backing down from every promise to make sure im not left high and dry.

Yes, it's funny how the cold light of empty wallet has breadwinners thinking that DW &DCs can survive on the minimum - "afterall she'll get tax credits" - sorry mate - your DW and DCs are still your responsibility even when you decide that responsibility is no longer your thing. Keep strong OP. The cloud of hurt will lift. Hugs from your little darlings are worth more than any man. Just keep comparing how much you love them to how little you like him. You may feel you still love him, but you can't truly love someone you don't like. You can't like someone who has made you feel like he has. You will get there.

You could probably wager he has someone else.

I only have a basic understanding of the law around the house situation, so do some research, but I'm pretty sure as well as staying in the house, you could get a court order making him contribute to the mortgage. Try the shelter website for starters.

You should also check out this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1984556-Hello-everyone-I-have-a-tale-for-you-long-long-long? For a bit of good news.