Power Balance

[Monny]

Six years ago, I gave up my job to be a full-time mum to my children and my OH is now the sole breadwinner. My youngest is 2. My OH is getting quite controlling as he ‘earns the money, etc.’ to the point where he has engaged pretty major building work and the first I know is the knock on the door. The best thing I can do really is be proactive, go back to work and get some sort of control over my life. However, until I land that job, does anyone have any suggestions on how to sort this power imbalance in the relationship? He’s not necessarily one to listen if he’s not in the mood and is pretty good at shutting down and telling me I’m nagging/bullying him if I try to get somewhere with him verbally.

I’m feeling pretty miserable to say the least and any help is much appreciated.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would think he has always been controlling but abuse like this is insidious in its onset and he's probably "nice" sometimes. This is cyclical but its a continuous cycle.

Even if you do manage to regain some semblance of power back which I doubt, he will not relinquish control of you willingly. Such men do not let go of their victims easily. You may well find a job and he may well go onto not let you go to it or take all your wages.

I would think that if you were to examine your relationship in more depth you would find that you are being abused in multiple ways; emotional being just one and perhaps financially too. You have no say at all in this relationship and he will never let you have a say, you are not equal to him and such types actually hate women, all of them. These abusive men always but always blame someone else and you are being told that you supposedly nag him.

He's probably very plausible to those in the outside world, you are the primary target of his abuse. Such men do not change.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to emulate to your children; this is no ideal model at all to be showing them.

I would talk to Womens Aid in your particular circumstances.

Thanks so much for coming back to me AttilatheMeerkat. TBH I felt a little ill as I read your words as you don't know me but you just described my relationship. I don't know that I'm ready to contact Womans Aid (yet...) But I am also at the point of realising this is never going to end and I have had enough of picking myself up from the bottom of the pit of misery, only to get knocked back down again.

However I am also sick of being a victim and floundering around. I could moan about 15 years of this and that. However, it's not going to change things, so I have to. And it starts with a job. So in the meantime, I need to find a way through this and keep my chin up for the interviews and asking H for money for this and that. I won't let him see me cry anymore.

It's true that I don't want my daughter stuck like me, and TBH my Mum. My gift to them both is finding a way out. I have no-one else to turn to but myself.

Well, the example of the building work sounds more like very controlling, not just 'quite controlling'.

You've recognised the problem, and identified an excellent solution. I think that you can get back to a place where you can tell him to shape up or ship put. I think practical steps will help now.

Is you CV up to date? Do you have a wardrobe of suitable working clothes? Are you able to meet old colleagues and tell them all that you are starting to job hunt? Have you any skills gaps you could do something about? Can you do relevant (or any) voluntary work - both to boost your CV and also to get you out of your domestic setting and back into the company of people who will interact with you as an adult?

Even little achievements in those areas will lift your self esteem, and give you points of reference other than your DH.

Going to see a solicitor (or at this stage just reading up) about your rights in the event of a separation might be worth it to. You don't have to decide about that now. But knowing your options puts you in a position of greater strength.

Do you really think that he'll change once you get a job? Or do you think he'll just shift the axis of power (im)balance to something else?

It's fine to get a job, if that's best for you and your DC, but what he's doing is not normal for SAHM/Working DH relationships. Nothing to say he'll be 'normal' in another situation.

But if it gives you a chance to get self-esteem and ££ then a job could be great.

Do contact WA though, they are very good at helping and listening.

Monny,

This is not just some power imbalance; he wants absolute power and control over you. He has and is putting you in a cage of his own making.

I think that getting a job will be a good idea but I also think he will do everything in his power to stop you from achieving that aim. You may only ultimately get work when you are free of him.

He could well deny you his so called "permission" to work, call you awful for wanting to work and supposedly abandoning the children to do so and also try and take all your earnings. That and more is what he could throw at you.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him. However, you need to stay safe too.

I would make plans to leave him asap and use outside resources like a Solicitor and Womens Aid to do so; these men do not change and in the meantime you still live with the controlling abuse he metes out to you and by turn your children who are seeing and learning from the two of you about relationships. This is a role model that is unhealthy and abusive.

I would also suggest you read a copy of "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft and leave this in a safe place where he cannot and must not find it.

You get nothing out of this relationship with him do you.

Monny

May I ask what the finances are like in that presumably he controls all the finance. I would think you have no say in that either and have to account for as well as ask for any money. Does he have a sole account in his name, do you have your own bankcard?.

I hope I am wrong but I would not be surprised if the above was happening.

Monny you have fantastic strength and attitude. You are proactively looking for concrete solutions, and steps that you can take. Bravo.

May you find that job quickly, I wish you all the best.

I would also like to point out that contacting help services, like Women's Aid, Citizens' Advice, or a free half-hour consultation with a solicitor, are also all proactive, concrete steps that you can take towards getting yourself and your DC out of this marriage. These services are here to give you information and advice. Knowledge is power.