Hand holding needed please-dh is awol

[fatandlonely]

He has form for this.
He has stormed out after he got in a strop about a cable for his printer.

He's taken the car and his phone is off. He said on leaving that "I could show a bit of fucking interest in his problems" - I am trying to do two college assignments for next thursday.

I would like to leave, but it's really not that simple, I live overseas so leaving would mean I have to come back to the UK (I have no residency rights here without him), dds are in the middle of exams and I have no money. I have been overseas so long I wouldn't be entitled to any benefits, I am not qualified for anything (hence the college course which I really want to finish). All my friends and my life are here.

He is an emotional abuser, he has just called me a fucking stupid bitch in front of my 15 year old.
I know this is wrong and I should stand up to him, but I am scared of him.

There is no WA here. I am in Asia.
It is also CNY so everything is closed down like xmas, everyone is away

Can any of your friends support you in any way?

Sorry this has happened to you. He sounds absolutely awful. Glad you have recognised he is abusive.

Short term, ignore his absence, don't bother chasing around after him, look after yourself and DDs and get on with your college assignments. How old are your DDs?

Longer term, I don't know how to advise you but I'm sure someone on here will be able to.

Ignore his strops and start squirreling money away somewhere he doesn't know about

I am squirreling money away, but it's slow going.
I have read all the EA threads on here. I'm doing a teaching course so when I do go I have a fighting chance of getting a job that can actually support us.
My kids are 12 and 15 (plus a grown up dd back in the UK)
My few friends that I could call on are all away- it's Chinese New Year, my local friends are having their equivalent of xmas day with family, all of my expat friends are away

He goes through long periods when he's fine, which is when I feel guilty about having the secret bank account, and making plans to go. he obviously knows about the college course.

I just really really hate it when he goes awol and turns his phone off. I'm especially worried because he has taken his passport

His hanging this over your head and enjoying it. Think about it rationally if you can, he is unlikely to leave, how would that benefit him? If the worst came to the worst is their anyone you could stay with in the UK (your DD?) I doubt this will happen as I am sure he likes the set up the way it is, he just enjoys watching you squirm.

Dd 1 is at uni, so couldn't stay with her.

I could possibly go and stay at mum and dad's but dds would really struggle, and it couldn't be a long term thing. I was so hoping i could stick it out til at least dd2 was at Uni, so would only have dd3 (now 12) to worry about having to move school etc, and I had a bit more money stashed away. I can barely cover the flights at the moment

He has to come back by Monday, MIL is coming to stay-I'm really looking forward to that

What is your relationship with MIL like? Is she aware of his behaviour?

MIL is an old school, "my family is perfect" pearl clutcher. She doesn't like me, and I will get no support from her at all. Her ds is marvellous.

From what you say it doesn't sound as if you are in immediate danger? If that's the case, just ignore his tantrums and going AWOL.

I imagine he gets a kick out of having you fret about his absence. Perhaps he's had a plan for a while about going off somewhere over the new year holiday and just started off the strop to give himself an excuse to go?

Just go on as normal, chat on here if you have no one around at the moment in real life. How much longer do you have to go on your teaching course?

DDs are here, we are watching a dvd.
7pm now and still heard nothing from him.

Finish my course in March, will qualify me to teach English to foreign students, so I can get a job in a language school.

I don't think he plans these things, he was absolutely fine earlier on, he just blew up over nothing (after he stropped off I went to look for the cable and found it in five minutes)
The last strop he threw like this was NYE, when there was a piece missing from the camera. (a small piece, which doesn't affect it's function at all, have since had that replaced for a fiver)- he didn't strop off then though, he just didn't speak to us all NYE. (MIL was here for that too- that was fun, all hand wringing and what is wrong with her prince)

It really is best to leave him to get over it, but it's very hard to not keep trying his phone

Well done on the course! Only a couple of months to go. When you qualify will you be able to get a job where you are living now?

Are your DDs upset that he's gone off? Try to make the most of the peace and quiet. DVD evening sounds good.

No they are fine, they are kind of used to it (which is a bad thing I know!)
They know he will come back and it will be fine (well, not fine, but you know what I mean)

I will be able to get a job here but it won't pay much, but it will give me the chance to save some more money.
The one thing h doesn't do, which most EAs do, is he is not tight with money (but I know once I leave he will not allow me anything and being overseas I will not be able to pursue him though the UK courts or the CSA. This is why I can't go now. But he doesn't notice small stuff, and he does give me enough money to run the house, so by cutting corners and not spending stuff on myself I can save.
Plus, and this is something I am really not proud of, he always has quite a lot of cash on him (usually 100 pounds worth plus)- every now and again I take a note out of his wallet and add it to my stash. As long as I don't do it too regularly, he never notices. It gives me a sense of power too when he calls me names and shouts at me.
Sorry if that makes me sound awful

That does not make you sound awful - actually very practical and regaining a bit of control. I used to do it with an old boyfriend after another night when he had come home late etc. so don't feel at all guilty

Life is too short.

Is there any way your mum and dad could pay for your return flights??

Honestly, get your kids, come back to the uk and be safe.

He's back, still stroppy

He was never going to be any different on return.

The problem you also have is actually saving enough cash; getting out of this could take you some considerable time to achieve. You need outside help and support to escape this man.

Your children are learning from the two of you about relationships and they are certainly being imparted some very damaging lessons; one which they may carry over into their relationships when they are older. For that reason as well you need to leave asap.

That is the one big thing I worry about.
DD1 is in a healthy relationship in the UK
DD3 is daddy's girl and sees the behaviour but dh is very loving to her.
I do worry about dd2 though. She is more like dh in personality than the other two and will still fight with him (I have become compliant)

He's gone to bed, not talking to anyone and slammed the door.
But I'm glad he's not out in the car anymore anyway

I guess the immediate thing to do is look at why it stresses you so much when he walks out. He's in no apparent danger, why not just let him go and have his little tantrum and completely ignore it? I appreciate this is not the solution but it might at least make it more tolerable whilst you wait it out.

He goes AWOL precisely because you hate it so much. It means nothing to him.