Desperate situation - need help!

[ssalvato]

I have no one to talk about this. Despite coming from a large family, I have no support and therefore no one who understands what I am going through. My father died in July last year and since then, mum has changed. I got married in September (after rushing everything so my dad would make it and he died weeks before). My mum is adamant that my husband is turning me against my family and her and tells me I am brain washing her, aggressive, have changed etc.

She cannot see beyond her own grief. She just tells me how desperate she feels. She is down on my husband because she thinks he slammed the door in her face (although he didn't). My husband had put up with her snide comments and nastiness for weeks whilst in the US (where he is from), never responding to her snideness. So he reacts after everything by asking not to be put on the card/presents and doesn't attend with me the 'xmas present exchange'. She is insulted, says she can't believe how he is treating her (despite the fact that he two weeks off work to look after my dad during his last days, cooked, cleaned and comforted her). She does not acknowledge anything he has done and she is adamant that he is making an enemy of her.

Now, my husband has had to fly back to the US because he grandma is dying (with whom is was extremely close to). He is acting as head of the household and has decisions to make such as turning off life support. I call my mum, ask her to have our cats so I can be with him and support him and she says no. It's not my problem. With this I vow to cut her out of my life, but the next day she calls back and says she will. Fine. Great even. But then follows with streams of insults about what a terrible person he is, how badly he treated her, how much her life is like hell and how she isn't coping. She sees nothing but her own grief. Naturally I told my husband who is so hurt by this and at this time. Today he has the decision to make and I bring this to his door. I am therefore filled with guilt:

1. I shouldn't have mentioned anything to him today but my mum got me in such a state I felt I needed to.
2. I feel guilty that I haven't seen my mum since the end of December (because I don't want to be around her terrible comments, negativity and self hatred).
3. I feel like the best action is to cut her off but I know she wants a relationship with me.
4. She feels like she can say anything to me and about my husband and I will take it.
5. I am now feeling like I can't take this, I am seriously considering self-harm again as a way to control and actually want something to happen to me so that she realises the impact of her actions.
6. I have taken to asking strangers for advice because I am completely lost. I am so close to giving up.

Sorry it is so long, but I know there will be one person who will read on and may be able to tell me this isn't my fault. (Forgot to mention my mum controls me with guilt).

It's not your fault.

Your relationship with your mother is conditional on the basis that she slates your DH at every opportunity. You don't have to put up with that, it's abuse. Personally, I'd go "no contact". She sounds grief stricken and manipulative, not a good combination and not one you can deal with right now.

Its sounds like she can't handle you being married and in a relationship when she has lost hers and she is projecting that on your dh. Its sounds terrible for him especially is she is seeing things through her own grief. I think you need to set some clear boundaries with her, tell her you want a relationship with her but you are not willing to listen to her put your dh down when he does not deserve it. If she starts doing it, walk away and leave things until she learns that she is the only one who is going to lose out by her behavior. Hopefully with time she will be ok. Grief does affect people differently. Is she minding the cat?

Your mum sounds like a basket case. Just ignore her. You're not 6, you don't depend on her anymore.
If you feel like she is getting a grip on you again, remember in a few years' time she will be dependent on you. Enough with the mind games, you turn the table and set boundaries now.

I've been there.

Hurting yourself is not going solve anything here.
You say she has changed.
People handle grief in very different ways.
If you cannot sit her down and have a conversation with her about this then you could write her a letter.
As you have in your OP - outline everything your DH has done to help and hope she realises.
She may be anxious or depressed, in which case she needs to see her GP. Have you suggested this to her?
Don't forget you are no doubt still grieving as well.
If your mother is hurting you with these actions, adding more hurt to yourself will only double the impact this is having.
Can you suggest you go to the GP together to ask for help?
If however, she has always been like this and it's now just escalating then maybe just minimum contact from now on.
I hope your DH is OK. It must be awful for him.

I'm sorry your dad died.

Your mum doesn't not control you with guilt, you allow yourself to be controlled. She can try her hardest, but she can't make you feel anything.

To be honest, you both sound like you're given to grand gestures and drama - even phrases like "bringing this to his door" sound a bit OTT, but perhaps that's just me. It's hard to say without being right there in it, but leaving his name off cards seemed childish and inflammatory. Although not attending present exchange perhaps fair enough.
But on the drama - all the cutting her out for not taking cats stuff... again, seems like a big response.

I think advice depends on the back story... If grief has made her behave in an unusual way, you should forgive her.

If this is more of the same - minimise her in your life. But I don't think that needs big drama, just a quiet but firm withdrawal. You can exert control that way.

Please don't self harm. Do the ice cubes on skin thing perhaps, if that works for you. But do see your GP to talk about that need coming back. It's horrid for you. xxx

Just remember, that you do have control here.

Book a cattery or just get a neighbour to pop in and feed them, and go and be with your husband.

You mention self-harming as a way of responding. I think it would be worth writing a list if other possible responses. We could help you with it here.

Thank you for your comments. I can't quite believe there are people who would give up their time to respond to me. I don't feel worthy.

@Keepithidden I think you're right but how do I go "no contact" when I feel like I'd be abandoning her?

@Neitheronethingortheother funny you should say that. She spent a lot of time while we were in the US for second wedding reception saying to me " you can text your husband, I can't text mine". "You're lucky you can see your husband, just wait until you're in my shoes and he dies". She resented the fact that I have a husband. Like I should apologise. I have just got married! But I loved my dad so dearly, I can't see why she would say this.

@Dilidali HOw do I set boundaries. I have been controlled by her for so many years. IT's only now I am out of favour because I have started saying no. I thought by telling her I am not happy about the things she says would be enough but the comments don't stop, the negativity doesn't go away and she doesn't consider me.

@hellsbellsmelons Thank you but she has always used guilt to control me. I don't think antidepressants are the answer, we have both been there and done that. I think minimum contact is the only way but unfortunately she will never realise the impact she has. She went so far as to say I have anger issues with my father which is why I am behaving the way I am. I had to put her straight and tell her that SHE was the reason. I have tried to communicate with her and it resolves nothing, the same arguments and issues come up again when we decide to draw a line under it. She just never looks in the mirror and thinks I am responsible for this, I am the reason she isn't here, doesn't call. I am at fault. I don't know how one person who claims to love you can make you feel so worthless and disgusting and full of guilt and selt loathing. It's good going 'mum'!

@Cabrinha Thank you for your brutal honesty. I can see how it may appear melodramatic. Trust me I do everything in my life to minimise that. I have just had the carpet ripped from under me. From waking up on Monday morning expecting a mundane day to having an empty house, alone and faced with such heart ache from my husband's family who have always shown me respect, love and care. Then my mother shows no sympathy and exacerbates the issue by running him down when she should be helping me through this. I did bring this to my husband's door to which he is angry with me. He thinks I don't consider how he is feeling and how difficult the situation is for him. When he dropped everything to help me through the agonising 2 weeks watching my father die, he left all the issues with my mother and family alone. He kept his mouth shut and said nothing. I didn't do him the same courtesy by trying to deal with this alone. I am weak and I should be focussed on how he is feeling. As for the self harm, I haven't heard of the ice cubes, I will read up on this, thank you.

@Logg1e Thank you. Other possible responses:

1. Drink until I fall asleep - I know I know, also not constuctive
2. Throw myself into something else as a distraction

I don't know
I want to punish myself for being a terrible wife, for making my husband feel so much worse by telling him what went on with my mum. I should have protected him like he protected me. He was my haven and I can't be his. I am weak and I feel like I want to hurt. I want to feel pain because I feel like I deserve to. I am nearly 30, educated and stable most of the time. I haven't self harmed seriously in a long time. I know it achieves nothing but I feel hopeless. I looked into overdosing and what happens if you get it wrong. It's not pretty. Deep down I don't want any of that. I want a life and I want to be happy. I guess this is a cry for help to people who won't judge. Like I said, I can't talk to anyone else. I am alienated by the rest of my siblings, my 'mother' and cannot depend on anyone now.

I thank you all for your support. I am blown away truly, that there are strangers out there who will give up there time to write a few lines for another stranger that may help them see the situation differently and ultimately help. So thank you all.

It sounds as though you're dealing with some really difficult behaviours and events. It's telling that your coping suggestions are quite negative and damaging too.

Could this be an opportunity to explore some more positive alternatives?

I don't understand how your H didn't respond to her snidiness if he was in the US. Have you been telling him? I think he is being horrid, just after your dad dies he decides hes not going to even wish his MIL happy christmas on a card or go a visit her. I think she may not be going about it the right way, but she may be right about him, She has even offered to have your cats so you can be with him.

I thin there may be more to you relationships if you have all this angst, You have self harmed, want to commit suicide and feel you are a rubbish wife as you haven't protected your H.

You have fallen out with your family so maybe you have difficulties communicating. Have your had counselling so you don't have to share everything with your H or DM?

How would you self harming or overdosing affect your OH? Surely you need to think of this. This is the last thing he needs at the moment.

The resolution is simple if you want it to be:

Sit your mother down an warn her that if her behaviour continues you will go NC with her. Make sure she understands you mean it.

... Sorry posted too soon

... Set yourself a deadline in your mind (a short one) of when you expect her to change. If she continues acting unreasonably after this deadline then go NC.