Trial separation - Long

[Stumbelina]

I am a SAHM with 4 year old and 5 month old DDs. I'm breastfeeding so am pretty much tied to the little one so don't get much time off. My partner commutes to work, 2 hours each way. I asked him to get a new job a year ago as I knew I would struggle with two kids but nothing has happened. He leaves at 6.45 and gets home at 7pm so I do most things on my own. We then spend the evening sitting in the same room but rarely talk. He has his laptop open almost constantly and despite asking him to switch it off he continues to do it. It goes on as soon as he wakes up and off at bedtime. I feel I am in a realtionship with the back of a computer.

We moved to a new house just before our second DD was born and so far I have had to fix a multitude of problems with the house (we rushed the purchase because he was planning to give up his job and we needed to get a mortgage before that happened, we have some money set aside for taking time out but he still hasn't left the job.) So much of my time is spent trying to fix the house and looking after a 5 month old. He is happy to write the cheques but does not want to get involved.

The problem is that I feel so lonely. I feel like I have no emotional support. We haven't had sex since DD was born and he shows no interest in it despite my having asked.We never sit on the sofa and cuddle. We never go out as a couple unless I arrange it all. Whenever I need help I have to ask for it, he never offers which makes me feel like he doesn't care. I recently put my back out and am currently suffering from PND which he seems to find annoying rather than being supportive about.

We have a poor relationship. I am not perfect and have plenty of faults but I feel as though I am having to beg for scraps here. He is not really interested in me and only enjoys being the kids when he can take them somewhere he is interested in going. There is no fun or laughter in our relationship and I am worried that this will be my last chance for happiness.

I am thinking of asking for a trial separation to see how we get on living apart. It kills me to think that I am taking the girls away as I know he really does love them but I don't know if I can live like this for much longer. We have been through this many times and despite temporary changes it always reverts back to this scenario.

Does anyone have any experience they can share?

I don't blame you, how soul destroying. You want and expect a relationship where the two people involved are actually involved with each other. He seems to deliberately step out of family life as well as any romantic time with you. I couldn't live like that, I would feel so resentful and frustrated. I actually would give the trial separation a go, you've already been here with him and things just revert back to the boring way they are, the fact he sits in front of a laptop all night instead of actually communicating says it all really, who would want to be with someone who acts like they don't even want to be in a relationship. You could possibly get the fun and laughter back but only if he is willing to change and make a bloody effort, he's not, I don't see what else you can do.

Thank you Jan. I just had a phone call with him stating that i was unwilling to put up with it anymore (the laptop, not leaving the job, leaving everything to me). He says he will make changes but I feel like it will be temporary. The thing that really kills me is the lack of love. I am a tactile person and need physical affection which is something I know he finds difficult but I hate being the one who has to try to get it all the time. He told me that he backs off from me when he can feel me being resentful towards him but he does not see that I am being pushed to that place by his behaviour. I think he withdraws when he feels pressurized which has the effect of making me feel punished and unloved. He keeps telling me that I should make it clear that he should leave the job he is in but when I did he still didn't leave. We are going to talk tonight. Thank you for being kind enough to reply. I sometimes feel I am going mad and wonder if it is me.